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Aug. 13th, 2004 02:10 am![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
malgrep.livejournal.com posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
techrecoveryAbout a year ago I wrote a story/essay thing for another website. I ran across it tonight and thought that it would be a good fit for this community.
I am sitting at work and I am trying to figure out why I went into IT. I like computers, but dealing with users is a bit more than a slight pain in my ass. I am not a people person, yet I spend all night fielding their questions. This job is not nearly as bad as when I used to work for an Internet Service Provider (if you are unfamiliar with this term, WHAT ARE YOU DOING ON THE INTERNET?), so I consider myself lucky.
Now, things are tough for me, but when you work for an ISP, you require a few things:
1) Technical Knowledge
2) Patience
3) A need for being abused by complete morons
4) Drugs
5)* A cache of weapons
(* - purely optional)
The average call for an ISP tech goes something like this:
"Thank you for calling technical support, my name is (insert name here), how may I help you?
"Is there something wrong with the email?"
"No, actually there is not, what seems to be the problem?" Notice: we only start out friendly.
"Well, the email. It don't work."
"Hmm. Could you be a bit more specific?"
"Um, uh." (insert general brain grinding to a halt sounds here)
"Well, do you know what email program are you using?"
"Windows, I think."
I sigh. "That is your Operating System. What do you use for EMAIL?? Outlook Express? Netscape? Eudora? Smoke signals?"
"Um."
At this point it becomes completely apparent just exactly what I am dealing with. This person has no business owning a PC, but they got one for Christmas and wanted the "Intarweb" - and the sad part is, I'm not making a joke here! People have actually said it to me, and were SERIOUS. There is only one way to deal with them - you treat them like their mental age of 5.
"Ok, what little picture do you clickity click on to get your email?" Yes, I said that.
"It says Outlook Express."
Ah, finally! We are getting somewhere!
"Ok, now what happens when you click on the 'send/receive' button? Are you getting an error message? If so what is it?"
This is what I ask them - knowing full well that they have no fucking clue what the term "error message" actually means. By this time, the anger level has risen past "grr" and moved fully into "ARRRRRGH!". Usually at this level I am rolling my eyes at my coworkers to let them know how dumb the person is.
"Um, when I try to get my mail it pops something up on the screen, but I don't remember what it said. There is nothing wrong with my system anyways, it is something on your end."
There are not adequate words to describe how much this pisses me off.
I have to remain nice to the user, so the reply would go something like this. "We have not had anyone else call in about this and I can get my mail without issue. Why don't we try and get that error to pop up again and see what it says."
At this point the call can go one of two ways. Either the user will comply and get the error to pop up, or they can be a complete prick and decide to give me more shit. The latter is the more common.
"My computer is brand new so there cant be anything wrong with it"
"Just because the computer is new does not mean the settings for the Internet are configured correctly." At this point you say to yourself, through clenched gums, "So, THIS is what powdered tooth enamel tastes like."
Now the user will get pissed off and start ranting about how shitty our service is. This usually sounds likes a monkey that has its left ball in a vice. I won't go into what the user actually says because, well, at this point I have stopped paying attention.
By this time my coworkers are all looking at me funny. This is either caused by them hearing the ranting coming from said user, or from the fact that I am trying to beat myself into blissful unconsciousness with my shoe. It always strikes me as funny that they look at me this way, seeing as how we all deal with the same pool of users. I would go into a story about the conspiratorial nature of my coworkers and how they seem to make sure I get all the wackos, but that's another story for another time.
After a few more minutes I can usually get a handle on things. I can get them to comply with my every demand. How do I do this you may ask? Easy: I look up their address information in the system, drive to their homes and beat them with hammers.
At least, that's what my dreams are like.
More time will pass and they will calm down, or we will mysteriously get disconnected *grin*. When the phone system is not having issues we will continue on our little journey.
At this point I will overwhelm them with techno babble to make them feel oh so good about themselves (I never said I WAS nice). This will usually make their brains turn to mush. Now the only thing they can say to you is something along the lines of "flurf, gurgle, shnock". This is how I want them, confused and broken. Now I can get on with the arduous task of walking them through the settings for OE.
Checking the settings in Outlook Express is easy - so easy that I can still do it in my sleep. This is not a particularly interesting thing to read about, much less write about, so we shall skip ahead a bit.
After correcting the settings that the users cousin set up. For some reason all users have a relative that is "good with computers". This usually means that they have a lot of experience looking at porn and pretending to be a lesbian in a chat room.
Once that is done I will have them test it and make sure that everything is in working order. The last thing I want is to have them call me back, or another tech for that matter.
Now multiply that by 8 hours and you can see why the life of a ISP support tech is less than perfect. And people wonder why I am somewhat bitter.
I am sitting at work and I am trying to figure out why I went into IT. I like computers, but dealing with users is a bit more than a slight pain in my ass. I am not a people person, yet I spend all night fielding their questions. This job is not nearly as bad as when I used to work for an Internet Service Provider (if you are unfamiliar with this term, WHAT ARE YOU DOING ON THE INTERNET?), so I consider myself lucky.
Now, things are tough for me, but when you work for an ISP, you require a few things:
1) Technical Knowledge
2) Patience
3) A need for being abused by complete morons
4) Drugs
5)* A cache of weapons
(* - purely optional)
The average call for an ISP tech goes something like this:
"Thank you for calling technical support, my name is (insert name here), how may I help you?
"Is there something wrong with the email?"
"No, actually there is not, what seems to be the problem?" Notice: we only start out friendly.
"Well, the email. It don't work."
"Hmm. Could you be a bit more specific?"
"Um, uh." (insert general brain grinding to a halt sounds here)
"Well, do you know what email program are you using?"
"Windows, I think."
I sigh. "That is your Operating System. What do you use for EMAIL?? Outlook Express? Netscape? Eudora? Smoke signals?"
"Um."
At this point it becomes completely apparent just exactly what I am dealing with. This person has no business owning a PC, but they got one for Christmas and wanted the "Intarweb" - and the sad part is, I'm not making a joke here! People have actually said it to me, and were SERIOUS. There is only one way to deal with them - you treat them like their mental age of 5.
"Ok, what little picture do you clickity click on to get your email?" Yes, I said that.
"It says Outlook Express."
Ah, finally! We are getting somewhere!
"Ok, now what happens when you click on the 'send/receive' button? Are you getting an error message? If so what is it?"
This is what I ask them - knowing full well that they have no fucking clue what the term "error message" actually means. By this time, the anger level has risen past "grr" and moved fully into "ARRRRRGH!". Usually at this level I am rolling my eyes at my coworkers to let them know how dumb the person is.
"Um, when I try to get my mail it pops something up on the screen, but I don't remember what it said. There is nothing wrong with my system anyways, it is something on your end."
There are not adequate words to describe how much this pisses me off.
I have to remain nice to the user, so the reply would go something like this. "We have not had anyone else call in about this and I can get my mail without issue. Why don't we try and get that error to pop up again and see what it says."
At this point the call can go one of two ways. Either the user will comply and get the error to pop up, or they can be a complete prick and decide to give me more shit. The latter is the more common.
"My computer is brand new so there cant be anything wrong with it"
"Just because the computer is new does not mean the settings for the Internet are configured correctly." At this point you say to yourself, through clenched gums, "So, THIS is what powdered tooth enamel tastes like."
Now the user will get pissed off and start ranting about how shitty our service is. This usually sounds likes a monkey that has its left ball in a vice. I won't go into what the user actually says because, well, at this point I have stopped paying attention.
By this time my coworkers are all looking at me funny. This is either caused by them hearing the ranting coming from said user, or from the fact that I am trying to beat myself into blissful unconsciousness with my shoe. It always strikes me as funny that they look at me this way, seeing as how we all deal with the same pool of users. I would go into a story about the conspiratorial nature of my coworkers and how they seem to make sure I get all the wackos, but that's another story for another time.
After a few more minutes I can usually get a handle on things. I can get them to comply with my every demand. How do I do this you may ask? Easy: I look up their address information in the system, drive to their homes and beat them with hammers.
At least, that's what my dreams are like.
More time will pass and they will calm down, or we will mysteriously get disconnected *grin*. When the phone system is not having issues we will continue on our little journey.
At this point I will overwhelm them with techno babble to make them feel oh so good about themselves (I never said I WAS nice). This will usually make their brains turn to mush. Now the only thing they can say to you is something along the lines of "flurf, gurgle, shnock". This is how I want them, confused and broken. Now I can get on with the arduous task of walking them through the settings for OE.
Checking the settings in Outlook Express is easy - so easy that I can still do it in my sleep. This is not a particularly interesting thing to read about, much less write about, so we shall skip ahead a bit.
After correcting the settings that the users cousin set up. For some reason all users have a relative that is "good with computers". This usually means that they have a lot of experience looking at porn and pretending to be a lesbian in a chat room.
Once that is done I will have them test it and make sure that everything is in working order. The last thing I want is to have them call me back, or another tech for that matter.
Now multiply that by 8 hours and you can see why the life of a ISP support tech is less than perfect. And people wonder why I am somewhat bitter.
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no subject
Date: 2004-08-12 11:36 pm (UTC)trust me, it's not isolated to ISP techs either
i work for [insert goddamn massive hardware company here] and some of the (l)users we get defy words...
especially after hours or on weekends, when it's all "home users" - usually a grandad whos grandson bought him a computer so he could talk to his kids in Uzbekistan. he speaks only an obscure dialect of russian. he thinks "email" is the opposite of "female" and his IQ orbits somewhere around the single digits.
that's before you take into account senility....
*groan*
IV
no subject
Date: 2004-08-12 11:52 pm (UTC)Some days I am really surprised that most of them can find their way back to the office.
no subject
Date: 2004-08-12 11:42 pm (UTC)IV
no subject
Date: 2004-08-13 09:22 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-08-13 04:52 pm (UTC)"So, what happens when you try to connect?"
"Nothing."
"What kind of nothing?"
"It just doesn't work."
I usually give them a penalty reboot at this point.
no subject
Date: 2004-08-13 05:39 pm (UTC)