Tech support fail and the Phantom Luser

[mel-redcap.livejournal.com]

Hi there. I'm not in tech support, but I try as hard as I can not to be a luser. I troubleshoot up to the limits of my understanding (and no further), I write down error messages, I do what techs tell me ("Yes, I restarted already. Honest.") and I don't poke things I don't understand. You can break sh!t that way.

Am I the only person out there who follows these rules? It would explain why I can't get our company's techs to believe I do. We have an absolutely fantastic onsite IT guy. He rocks. He fixes things quickly, he gives great explanations, he can walk me through fixes on the phone when he's out of the office. Love that guy.



Phone 'help' (anyone who reads "Note to Asshat" will probably recognise this one)...

Tech: "So, first, what model of phone are you using, a [BBBBB bbbbb]?"
Me: "It says [AAAAA] on it."
Tech: "Uh, I am not getting you. It's a [BBBBB], right?"
Me: "No, it says [AAAAA]."
Tech: "There should be a logo on the front..."
Me: "It just has [AAAAA] on it."
Tech: "It's black, right?"
Me: "No, pale grey."
Tech: "Oh... what does it say on the display screen?"
Me: "It doesn't HAVE a display screen."
Tech: "But it's a [BBBBB], right?"
Me: "No! It says [AAAAA] on top, it says [AAAAA aaaaa] on its underside, that is all it says on it. It's not a [BBBBB]!"
Tech: "Oh..."

Dear Phone Tech Guy: If I am not giving you the answer you expect, please do not assume I am incurably stupid and misunderstanding the question. Get your script out of your ears and listen to me.


MFD/printer 'help'...

We have three big multi-function devices, combination fax/scanner/printer/photocopier things that are the light of my life and usually make my job much easier. One is currently out of action because it needs something internal replaced, cause unspecified but after this week I'd be willing to bet on "user stupidity". One was working but producing very dirty-looking prints and copies, black toner streaks and smudges everywhere, so I reported it for a fix. (Oh... apparently I'm practically the only person who ever reports anything that needs to be fixed. Everyone else just switches to printing from a different machine.) A tech arrives; after about 40 minutes of cleaning and poking and so forth he produces some beautiful clean test photocopies and rides off on his white horse, leaving a silver bullet behind. I skip off to start a large, fairly urgent print job that the tech's visit has delayed, happy that it will be pretty.

Tech has somehow killed the MFD's ability to print from the network.

I swear. I troubleshoot. I swear some more. I phone our local help guy (not our IT guru wonder boy, this is a man who generally does a good job but giggles disturbingly whenever he speaks).

Help guy: "Oh... have you turned it on and off?"
Me: "Yes."
Help guy: "Have you checked to see if the cable is plugged in?"
Me: "Yes."
Help guy: "Both ends?"
Me: "Yes."
Help guy: "Are you sure it's something the tech did?" *giggle*
Me: "I could print to it twenty minutes before he arrived, so..."
Help guy: "Can you print to other printers on the same network?"
Me: "Yes, I checked."
Help guy: "Can other people print to it?"
Me: "No, I got E to check and the job fails the same way as mine."
Help guy: "Have you tried deleting it from your printer list and re-adding it?"
Me: "No, hang on..." *fiddle click type print? ERROR* "Still getting the same error."
Help guy: "Oh... well, I'll call $company to send somebody back. They won't arrive today, you know." *giggle*
Me: "I figured." (It's half an hour past close of business.)
Help guy: "Well, I hope it's not going to inconvenience you..." *giggle*
Me: *deep breath* *reaches for calm* *explains large, urgent print job*
Help guy: "Ooh." *giggle* "Can you switch to a different printer?" *giggle*
Me: "That's the only colour printer on the secure network. I can copy SOME of this stuff to the other network, but it's going to be a pain."
Help guy: *giggle* "Oh, well, good luck. I'm not working tomorrow, you know!" *GIGGLE*

OH YES IT'S REALLY FUNNY. *stab!*

I copy documents to our other network. (The two-networks-and-never-the-twain-shall-meet thing is a tale in its own right. I understand the need, I just hate the execution.) I start them printing on the LAST printer available to me that will do double-sided and colour. I wait a while and then go check on it.

It has stopped. Paper jam. I can handle this, I read instructions. I'm steaming at this point, but I still read the d@mn instructions.

[Paper jam in fuser, path B, follow diagram]

*open shift turn tug* *jam cleared*

[Paper jam in paper feed, path A, follow diagram]

*open shift wiggle lever tug*

[Paper jam in paper feed, path A, follow diagram]

*What, more? grr... open shift wiggle lever oh look there's another piece of paper coming out*

At this point I want nothing more than to grab the stupid piece of paper and reef it out of the machine at maximum velocity, but we all know what happens when you do that sort of thing, right? So I wiggle the lever a bit more, like the nice diagram shows, until the paper is most of the way out; then I start to pull it out gently.

A large section of the paper guide falls into the machine. WTF?!?!

Further investigation reveals that some unmitigated ASSHAT, hereinafter known as the Phantom Luser, has broken the paper guide, seen no witnesses, balanced it back in place and sauntered off whistling to print to another machine. I would not be surprised to find out that this is the same person who somehow borked our other MFD, and if I discover their identity NOTHING WILL SAVE THEM.

I log another &^%$@( helpdesk ticket, go home, and read some Tech Support Hell to reassure myself that there's someone out there having a worse day than me.

Comments

[mel-redcap.livejournal.com]

Hee, thank you! *blush*

*snorks at icon*

[bamatone.livejournal.com]

Agreed.

[kizayaen.livejournal.com]

"designated point of contact"

[fnordx.livejournal.com]

I like to refer to them as "those who shall live".

[mr-scoot.livejournal.com]

Too bad "guser" (good-user, great-user, etc) just doesn't sound right. It'd be convenient.

[kuang.livejournal.com]

I remember the paper support in the tray of HP4000s, which had a habit of just snapping and falling to the back of the tray. That always went unreported, but it was funny to tell the users we'd blue-tacked it back into place and that it'd be fine :) 'What, you mean we're not getting a new one?!?!' Not unless you think it's reasonable to buy a new car each time you get a flat tyre, no.

Anyway, congrats on dealing what sounds like lazy ass-hattery - I wish I'd had a few more like you in my last job :)

[arkady.livejournal.com]

I've been known to use judicious application of gaffer tape in that situation. That paper support would snap if you so much as looked at it funny, I swear.

[bamatone.livejournal.com]

Man, same thing happened to me a few weeks ago. An HP 8100 had a paper jam error each time anyone tried to print. My underlings worked with for about a week, then gave up. I spent 15 minutes with it and pushed some flap back into place and secured it. Shazam, fixed.

The response? "What, you mean we're not getting a new one?!?!"

... You're welcome.

The VERY NEXT DAY, I saw a request by that office for a new printer, which of course I had to install, put on the network, etc.

I mean seriously, if you're going to replace it anyway, why bother asking us to fix the old one? (Which still works perfectly fine, btw. But no, it's off to a surplus warehouse now, ever to rot.)

[tx-cronopio.livejournal.com]

yep, I've been in your shoes!

I have one advantage -- part of my job involves ordering lots and lots of catered meals and treats. I always make sure there is enough extra for all the IT gals and guys.

For some reason, I get really prompt service on my tickets :)

[cirobi.livejournal.com]

Our receptionist always stops by our IT hole when there's extra free food. She gets prompt support as well. Well, as much as we possibly can with the other crap coming in, haha. :)

[celyste.livejournal.com]

You are right, you know? My days are made of endless streams of people that need step-by-step instructions on how to 'left click'. People that will tell me they powercycled their router (but don't) just so that I will magically fix their problem... even though it's just their router needs to be powercycled. Sadly, even people that need a map to find the "@" key (a verbal map via phone, that is).

By the time I get to the end of the day, I am having customers triple check their work just because I've been lied to (intentionally and not) so many times that it's just habit.

So thank you for following directions, thank you for trying to help us help you, and most importantly, thank you for not screaming in frustration when our records get stuck at "device BBBBB"?

[mel-redcap.livejournal.com]

I was making aggravated faces and strangling hand-motions and trying really hard to not let it show. :P :) I screamed (quietly) later!

[cirobi.livejournal.com]

Bless your heart and all those like you who get it and try to work with us instead of against us. I support some folks who, like you, do their best before calling us or before possibly breaking things further and I always make sure to thank them for it.

So, thank you for being one of those rare gems in a sea of nasty people. This post was a refreshing reminder that people like you do, indeed, exist. You rock. :)

[mel-redcap.livejournal.com]

Being nice to techs often gets me a much happier tech and a faster resolution. :) I say thank you, too! :D

[dave-iii.livejournal.com]

This one post (and a quick skim of your main page) really makes me want to add you as a friend. You clearly think and react in ways that I want to continue reading about. ^_^

Would that be too forward?

[tauren-wardrums.livejournal.com]

I second this.

[mouser.livejournal.com]

I refer to people like you as "Power User" and "Primary point of contact"


You will note that the titles are singular; they are rarely bestowed.

[jimbojones.livejournal.com]

Ditto.

[erunamiryene.livejournal.com]

I troubleshoot up to the limits of my understanding (and no further), I write down error messages, I do what techs tell me ("Yes, I restarted already. Honest.") and I don't poke things I don't understand. You can break sh!t that way.

I love you, in a totally non-creeper way. I'm the network tech for a metric ton of engineers, who don't seem to understand that just because they have an awesome degree in civil engineering, that does NOT mean they know how to fix computers, copiers, or MFDs, and will futz with it until it's REALLY broken. And then say, "I don't know what happened, I didn't do anything to it!"

[mel-redcap.livejournal.com]

Oh. Yeah. The "I didn't do anything" people. The ones to whom "I didn't do anything!" really means "I didn't do anything except [insert incredibly stupid action] and [even stupider attempt to fix the results of stupid action #1]."

Like the Phantom Luser at one of my previous jobs (they're everywhere, I swear!) who broke a large, practically antique photocopier that was so massively overbuilt that it was nearly invulnerable. Nearly. Phantom Luser managed it. I had just started two weeks of holidays at that point and came back to discover that nobody had reported it... so I did... and the tech discovered that it had run out of toner (I was the only person who ever changed toner, too), and instead of following the clearly diagrammed instructions on the flippin' toner box the Phantom Luser had opened the front door and started turning handles and pulling things at random.

They had pulled out the FUSER UNIT, DROPPED it, shattered the drum, and pulled the standard Phantom Luser trick of shoving everything back into place and departing at speed. I got to write a viciously sarcastic note to put on the poor photocopier, informing everyone that it would now be another fortnight before the replacement part got delivered.

And then there was the one who actually had the guts (or oblivious stupidity) to come to me and report that the photocopier (a different one) "had a paper jam"... after he'd broken a paper tray by pulling it out without releasing the BIG RED BUTTON lock on the front, and then snapped off two paper guides by opening the side paper feed and yanking at anything that looked movable. But yeah, he "didn't do anything to it"!

[yanni85.livejournal.com]

I just wanted to add to the love-fest here for a user who does her best to work with us. Keep on rocking the awesome!

[mel-redcap.livejournal.com]

*starts checking iPod for good tunes to rock on to* :D

[guinevere33.livejournal.com]

I, too, have been a victim of tech support fail because they assume my total stupidity in the face of evidence to the contrary, but I'm fairly sympathetic knowing what they deal with. However, I've also been lied to on several occasions just to get rid of me, and THAT SHIT IS NOT COOL. I had a Comcast guy tell me that it was impossible for Comcast's regional DNS servers to have gone down the day before (they had) "because that - do you know how the internet works? - that would take down the entire internet!" I had a Dell rep tell me that the reason my replacement laptop battery had *also* died was that "the iron inside has oxidized and once that happens they don't work anymore." I lost my shit on that one. I yelled at him that I was a chemistry major (not technically true - biology), and I wasn't going to buy the excuse that the reason my LITHIUM ion battery had borked was that it had fucking RUSTED, and transfer me to your goddamn supervisor right now. Asshat.

[dave-iii.livejournal.com]

Oh my Lord, I would have paid good money to watch that. Heck, I'd have worked the concession stands and swept up afterwards for THAT privilege.

[mix-hyenataur.livejournal.com]

*GIGGLE*

[mel-redcap.livejournal.com]

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!

[kizayaen.livejournal.com]

Much with the other folks here. Thank you, oh thank you, for not being a stupid mouthbreathing assclown waste of oxygen.

And yes - phone techs who can't work outside a script irritate the piss out of us at LEAST as much as they do the sane users. It makes us all look bad and makes our job a dozen times harder when it undermines the knowledge and professionalism that a great many of us do have.

[docskurlock.livejournal.com]

Hear hear. I love users like you, and everyone is right when they say that you're a rarity. If I had an office full of people like you when I was in tech support, it would have made my job SO much easier.

Welcome to the club.

[mel-redcap.livejournal.com]

If I had an office full of people like me right now, it would be making my current job much easier. :)

[grrltechie.livejournal.com]

Ya know, we could always use somebody like you. A little hands on training and you'd be a welcome addition to my Help Desk any way. :)

[mel-redcap.livejournal.com]

Level 0 tech support! Boldly going and intercepting the worst of the stupid before it reaches you! :D

[linguafranca.livejournal.com]

My GOD, I wish I had co-workers like you. I get tech requests that say things such as "Scanner is having difficulties." Then I go to see what they're on about, and the thing isn't plugged in.

[mel-redcap.livejournal.com]

These are just such obvious things! Is it plugged in? Is it switched on? Are any necessary network cables, etc, plugged in? At both ends? Does a powercycle get it to behave? Does it have paper and toner? Is it, in fact, blinking lights and popping up messages desperately trying to get someone to actually read the bleedin' obvious error message that states precisely what's wrong and how to fix it? Has someone been a complete Luser at it?

"Could you put in a service request for the fax machine? It's sending faxes with big white streaks down the page."
*look at original he just sent*
*pop open paper feeder and look at scanner bar*
"In future, please wait for the whiteout to dry BEFORE sending your fax... mmmkay?"
*get cleaning supplies to clear blobs of whiteout off scanner bar*

[mr-scoot.livejournal.com]

Mostly, my clients are good users. They try a few things (sometimes digging themselves deeper, but most back off when they reach the abyss), then they call me. I'll ask them if they did X or Y, and usually believe them if they say yes. I do, however, do the "both ends" routine. Every damn time.


Last week:
Her: "I moved my office. Now I can't print. Can you look at it next time you come down?"
Me: "Sure." Remembering last time for this person, I asked "Is it plugged in? Both ends?"
Her: "I **know** how to plug things in!!!"
Me: "Alright, see you soon."
…
…
Me: Checks printer. It has power and USB plugged in.
Me: Checks other end of cables. Power good. USB? Dangling.
Me: "Here you go. Works now."
Her: "What did you do?"
Me: "Plugged it in."
Her: !!!
Me: "Both Ends."
.

[the-s-guy.livejournal.com]

So often I've wished for little remote-controlled mobile waldoes. Something the size of a shoe box, with tank treads, a webcam, and a pair of grippers, which could live in a charging cradle in the machine room at remote sites when not in use.

[the-s-guy.livejournal.com]

Tech: "So, first, what model of phone are you using, a [BBBBB bbbbb]?"
Me: "It says [AAAAA] on it."
Tech: "Uh, I am not getting you. It's a [BBBBB], right?"

I've learned that there's only one way to cut these conversations off at their source.

Just.
Say.
No.

Don't elaborate, don't explain, don't use more than the single word or it will be lost in the mental shuffle.

"No." - it's the best way to slam the door shut on whatever possibility the other side of the conversation is assuming. Eventually, they're going to have to ask what the actual detail is, and that's the first time they're going to be listening to the answer.

[seaofdestiny.livejournal.com]

Unless their mindless script-reading little brain goes 'User refuses to cooperate in troubleshooting. Case closed'.

[emsporter.livejournal.com]

I have a few users like you at the company I support. With the occasional exception (usually when I've been dealing with unmitigated mouthbreathing morons from the lowest circle of dumb), I actually listen to what they say, their tickets get worked / closed quickly, and they are my favourite people. Without exception.

One of them gave me cookies last Christmas...