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techrecoveryI work tech support over the phone for $ISP. Several personal gripes (a few rather more sheer human suck than anything else, but eh) from recent days.
1. MSN Messenger. No, we don't support it. No, seriously, we don't. No, the program isn't even ours, so I have no obligation to help you deal with your error message. Stop it already! Call Microsoft. No, I assure you. Really. MSN Messenger isn't ours. And NO. I don't have Microsoft's number. FOAD.
2. Replying with monosyllables or grunts to everything I say.
2a. Adding another word to your vocabulary, would it be that hard? I get the twitches at the 20th 'mhh-mhmm' (no exaggeration, I think it was way over that number). Goddamnit! I'm a human being! Just because I'm on the other end of your phone line, it doesn't make me anything other than human! You don't talk to your co-workers like that, now do you?
2b. Also, to those who think 'Yes' is an acceptable reply to every bloody thing I say, you're just lucky I can't make certain comments during your call. The mute button certainly gets them. When I say 'Are you using MS Outlook, or is it Outlook Express?' It's a either/or question, stupid. 'Yes' doesn't tell me a thing.
3. Fine and dandy through 30+ minutes of troubleshooting. I cleared it all up for you, was kind and even offered future recommendations. Why do you hang up on me after TS without even a 'thank you' or 'have a nice day'? Again, I'm a human being. After a dozen calls like that, I won't be in the best of moods underneath my glued-on voice-smile. So, consider that you may have to call back... And it may well be me who gets your call. I will not like to have you again on my end, asshole.
4. I know the standard resolution time for malfunctions sucks. Really, believe me, I do, and I'm sorry. I'm $ISP's customer as well, so I feel you. But no, I can't add any more urgency on your malfunction ticket. I understand a moment of indignation when I tell you the standard time, but no more. Get over it, don't whine. It won't get you anywhere. And why, Baby Jesus help me, would you be any more than any other paying customer and get pushed to the front of the line? You're just a regular customer. Tickets get solved according to their issue time. Get over or get out.
5. Why do you threaten me with contract termination? I'm a tech support person who in no way gets paid according to the total number of $ISP's customers. I'll gladly forward you to the termination department without further ado, and be relieved to have you off my overworked brain.
6. The exact words of a customer, today, after I asked him to test filters: 'So I now have to be $ISP's technician?' I happily informed you, sir, that if you want to call back and inform my team that you have performed the tests (without actually doing them)... Well, you're free to do so, we can't keep you from doing it - and we don't have mad clairvoyance skillz. But be aware that when the technician goes to your place $days later and finds out that it was, indeed, the filter, you're going to be pissed you didn't perform the tests earlier on. It's your own fault if you thought you were too good to do what everyone does. The tests are there for a reason, sucker. Not to make us laugh at you.
7. Why do you sound condescending when I'm running you through a series of troubleshooting steps? You obviously have no clue what you're doing, and I'm trying to help you. Trust me. I know what I'm doing. You called us for this, right? When you refuse to perform tests 'because the computer is off', I can't pull your access from my ass with magic. Don't do that shit. If you're not available to perform tests and don't like troubleshooting, you'd better not call, oh, you know, technical support!. a) Call us later. b) Get a special contract and have a tech at your beck and call at home; pay for it. c) Bear with me and be nice. I do this shit every day, if anybody has something akin to a right for condescending are us, your techs. Not you, self-anointed Lady Queen of the Cosmos. -- Yeah, just went through this call, needed to vent. Arrogant bitch.
On the other hand - one of my calls today was absolutely fantastic. It took about 40min, with me helping an elderly lady - she sounded over her 60s - setting up her router. She paid attention to everything I said, followed all my instructions without a single mistake, found exactly what I was talking about in her computer screen. You get points, ma'am. Thank you so much, you are one of those that makes my job worth doing.
1. MSN Messenger. No, we don't support it. No, seriously, we don't. No, the program isn't even ours, so I have no obligation to help you deal with your error message. Stop it already! Call Microsoft. No, I assure you. Really. MSN Messenger isn't ours. And NO. I don't have Microsoft's number. FOAD.
2. Replying with monosyllables or grunts to everything I say.
2a. Adding another word to your vocabulary, would it be that hard? I get the twitches at the 20th 'mhh-mhmm' (no exaggeration, I think it was way over that number). Goddamnit! I'm a human being! Just because I'm on the other end of your phone line, it doesn't make me anything other than human! You don't talk to your co-workers like that, now do you?
2b. Also, to those who think 'Yes' is an acceptable reply to every bloody thing I say, you're just lucky I can't make certain comments during your call. The mute button certainly gets them. When I say 'Are you using MS Outlook, or is it Outlook Express?' It's a either/or question, stupid. 'Yes' doesn't tell me a thing.
3. Fine and dandy through 30+ minutes of troubleshooting. I cleared it all up for you, was kind and even offered future recommendations. Why do you hang up on me after TS without even a 'thank you' or 'have a nice day'? Again, I'm a human being. After a dozen calls like that, I won't be in the best of moods underneath my glued-on voice-smile. So, consider that you may have to call back... And it may well be me who gets your call. I will not like to have you again on my end, asshole.
4. I know the standard resolution time for malfunctions sucks. Really, believe me, I do, and I'm sorry. I'm $ISP's customer as well, so I feel you. But no, I can't add any more urgency on your malfunction ticket. I understand a moment of indignation when I tell you the standard time, but no more. Get over it, don't whine. It won't get you anywhere. And why, Baby Jesus help me, would you be any more than any other paying customer and get pushed to the front of the line? You're just a regular customer. Tickets get solved according to their issue time. Get over or get out.
5. Why do you threaten me with contract termination? I'm a tech support person who in no way gets paid according to the total number of $ISP's customers. I'll gladly forward you to the termination department without further ado, and be relieved to have you off my overworked brain.
6. The exact words of a customer, today, after I asked him to test filters: 'So I now have to be $ISP's technician?' I happily informed you, sir, that if you want to call back and inform my team that you have performed the tests (without actually doing them)... Well, you're free to do so, we can't keep you from doing it - and we don't have mad clairvoyance skillz. But be aware that when the technician goes to your place $days later and finds out that it was, indeed, the filter, you're going to be pissed you didn't perform the tests earlier on. It's your own fault if you thought you were too good to do what everyone does. The tests are there for a reason, sucker. Not to make us laugh at you.
7. Why do you sound condescending when I'm running you through a series of troubleshooting steps? You obviously have no clue what you're doing, and I'm trying to help you. Trust me. I know what I'm doing. You called us for this, right? When you refuse to perform tests 'because the computer is off', I can't pull your access from my ass with magic. Don't do that shit. If you're not available to perform tests and don't like troubleshooting, you'd better not call, oh, you know, technical support!. a) Call us later. b) Get a special contract and have a tech at your beck and call at home; pay for it. c) Bear with me and be nice. I do this shit every day, if anybody has something akin to a right for condescending are us, your techs. Not you, self-anointed Lady Queen of the Cosmos. -- Yeah, just went through this call, needed to vent. Arrogant bitch.
On the other hand - one of my calls today was absolutely fantastic. It took about 40min, with me helping an elderly lady - she sounded over her 60s - setting up her router. She paid attention to everything I said, followed all my instructions without a single mistake, found exactly what I was talking about in her computer screen. You get points, ma'am. Thank you so much, you are one of those that makes my job worth doing.
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re customers of win
Date: 2009-01-09 06:44 pm (UTC)One of the highlights of that call: "Sounds like your Windows XP installation is having some pretty severe problems. I don't normally ask people this, but have you tried Linux?" And then when he said he thought it was illegal, I explained to him what open-source software was. :)
no subject
Date: 2009-01-09 07:46 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-01-09 11:11 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-01-10 01:42 am (UTC)Honestly, I can see Blaxploitation Jesus and Drunk and Bitter Jesus finding lots of support in the Tech World.
no subject
Date: 2009-01-10 06:07 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-01-10 06:54 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-01-11 05:30 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-01-09 08:33 pm (UTC)Also, "I don't think that's what the problem is."
Well, if you think you're in such a great position to troubleshoot this yourself, why the fuck did you call me?
no subject
Date: 2009-01-10 01:40 am (UTC)"NO! I don't think it's that!"
"Alright then. What is the problem?"
"Uh uh uh..."
"That's right. If you knew, you'd have told me by now, or fixed it and not gone through voice mail hell. Now, here is how you fix the issue you have described to me."
Hey, what do you know? I WAS RIGHT!
My Supervisor later pulled me over as he overheard it, but it wasn't a monitored call. "Tough. We don't have a 'Customer is always right' policy here. This is Tech Support. The Customer is usually wrong, usually inept, and usually an idiot. Tell me otherwise with a straight face."
...
"Just don't get caught, Ray."
no subject
Date: 2009-01-10 06:07 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-01-10 06:53 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-01-10 12:10 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-01-10 12:44 am (UTC)I'm trying a new thing today where I be positive instead of negative.
It's because I don't have to work today.
no subject
Date: 2009-01-11 01:31 am (UTC)