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techrecoveryThis was emailed to me by one of our ex-support guys... he's moved on to bigger and better things. Feel free to add. I thought you all would appreciate this too. :)
When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.
Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.
When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 700 screen saver passwords.
When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power up at all.
When I.T. support sends you e-mail marked "high priority", delete it at once. We're just testing.
When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.
Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.
When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.
When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer support. We can fix your telephone line from here.
When you have a dozen old computer screens to get rid of, call computer support. We're collectors.
When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.
When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, contradict us. We love a good argument.
When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" THAT motivates us.
When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.
When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.
Don't learn the proper name for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "My thingy blew up".
Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.
If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed to have 20kg of computer sitting on top of them.
If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the mail upgrade. Keyboards are actually very happy with half a pound of muffin crumbs and nail clippings in them.
When you get a message saying "Are you sure?" click on that Yes button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren't sure, you wouldn't be doing it, would you?
When you find an I.T. person on the phone with his bank, sit uninvited on the corner of his desk and stare at him until he hangs up. We don't have any money to speak of anyway.
Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing about that computer stuff". We don't mind at all hearing our area of professional expertise referred to as stuff.
When you need to change the toner cartridge in a printer, call I.T. support - hanging a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and Hewlett-Packard recommends, that it be only performed by a professional engineer, with a master's degree in nuclear physics.
When something's the matter with your computer, ask your secretary to call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a third party who doesn't know anything about the problem.
When you receive a 30mb (huge) movie file, send it to everyone as a mail attachment. We've got lots of disk space on that mail server.
Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller chunks. Somebody else might get a chance to squeeze a memo into the queue.
When you lose your car keys, send an email to the entire company. People like to keep abreast of what's going on.
When you bump into an I.T. person at the grocery store on a Saturday, ask a computer question. We do weekends.
Don't bother to tell us when you move computers around on your own. Computer names are just a cosmetic feature.
When you bring your own personal home PC for repair at the office, leave the documentation at home. We'll find all the settings and drivers somewhere.
When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.
Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.
When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 700 screen saver passwords.
When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power up at all.
When I.T. support sends you e-mail marked "high priority", delete it at once. We're just testing.
When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.
Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.
When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.
When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer support. We can fix your telephone line from here.
When you have a dozen old computer screens to get rid of, call computer support. We're collectors.
When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.
When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, contradict us. We love a good argument.
When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" THAT motivates us.
When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.
When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.
Don't learn the proper name for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "My thingy blew up".
Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.
If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed to have 20kg of computer sitting on top of them.
If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the mail upgrade. Keyboards are actually very happy with half a pound of muffin crumbs and nail clippings in them.
When you get a message saying "Are you sure?" click on that Yes button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren't sure, you wouldn't be doing it, would you?
When you find an I.T. person on the phone with his bank, sit uninvited on the corner of his desk and stare at him until he hangs up. We don't have any money to speak of anyway.
Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing about that computer stuff". We don't mind at all hearing our area of professional expertise referred to as stuff.
When you need to change the toner cartridge in a printer, call I.T. support - hanging a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and Hewlett-Packard recommends, that it be only performed by a professional engineer, with a master's degree in nuclear physics.
When something's the matter with your computer, ask your secretary to call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a third party who doesn't know anything about the problem.
When you receive a 30mb (huge) movie file, send it to everyone as a mail attachment. We've got lots of disk space on that mail server.
Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller chunks. Somebody else might get a chance to squeeze a memo into the queue.
When you lose your car keys, send an email to the entire company. People like to keep abreast of what's going on.
When you bump into an I.T. person at the grocery store on a Saturday, ask a computer question. We do weekends.
Don't bother to tell us when you move computers around on your own. Computer names are just a cosmetic feature.
When you bring your own personal home PC for repair at the office, leave the documentation at home. We'll find all the settings and drivers somewhere.
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no subject
Date: 2008-10-24 01:43 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-10-24 03:04 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-10-24 03:12 pm (UTC)Get in the chatroom >_>
no subject
Date: 2008-10-25 12:39 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-10-24 01:51 pm (UTC)Also might I add this is awesome, I deal with a lot of these said issues often. Especially the Print 20 times one.
no subject
Date: 2008-10-24 02:25 pm (UTC)Now everything has at least a note on it.
no subject
Date: 2008-10-25 02:00 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-10-25 04:42 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-10-24 02:28 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-10-24 02:31 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-10-24 06:50 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-10-24 09:52 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-10-24 02:35 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-10-25 09:29 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-10-24 02:38 pm (UTC)Personally I have too much to do at work, and too much of a life to stay late to work on someone's home computer.
So now if someone brings in a computer it sits on my desk until they take it away. When they ask why I didn't fix it I refer them to a local residential repair company and inform them if they'd like to pay me their rates, plus overtime since I'll have to do it after work, I'm happy to fix it.
no subject
Date: 2008-10-24 03:45 pm (UTC)There's an unwritten rule here that we fix coworkers computers, it's part of our company culture. We don't get it often, and they understand that its not priority, so that part is fine. My problem is when they take it back home and have an issue. I can't do anything, it worked when it left here, sorry!
no subject
Date: 2008-10-24 06:16 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-10-25 02:03 pm (UTC)"It works SO MUCH BETTER now!"
no subject
Date: 2008-10-25 09:30 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-10-24 03:45 pm (UTC)Your parents killed Santa.
Your science teacher made you unable to fly.
And your tech support person is the reason you can't store the internet on a CD.
no subject
Date: 2008-10-25 02:05 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-10-24 04:03 pm (UTC)When something's the matter with your computer, ask your secretary to call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a third party who doesn't know anything about the problem.
FUCK...I hate this. Whenever this happens to me, I tell the secretary to have the boss call me. If the goddamn President of the College can call me, so can everyone else. I don't take that shit from anyone. This is also why I call everyone by their first names, e.g., the President is "Tom."
They're calling me for help, after all.
no subject
Date: 2008-10-24 05:35 pm (UTC)bahahhaa do they not realize this works the opposite way as they intend
no subject
Date: 2008-10-24 08:17 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-10-25 02:09 pm (UTC)"Yeah? So, why's the CD tray broken and covered in coffee stains again?"
alternatively
"Oh really? And here I thought you had a degree in animal husbandry since 'Program Files' was deleted and replaced with seventy gigabytes of girl on horse porn.