found in my personal journal, copied here

[dudeitsawesome.livejournal.com]

All of these stories have happened within the last month.

We are able to check our paycheck stubs on the intranet here.
So I get a call from a lady who is getting an error message saying her social security number is wrong.
So I check the terminated employees list (there is a REAL PROBLEM here with HR terminating people who aren't actually terminated... yeah...)... she's not on that list.
So I start trying to troubleshoot.
When suddenly (and sometimes stupid users are super helpful without even realizing it), the lady says, "Well, why does this page say 'Hello Kathy?'" Her name was Donna. Yep, she wasn't even signed in to the site... And she's like, "Well, I never!" But I just know she's one of those people who if, God forbid, anyone else ever was able to view HER paycheck information she'd pitch a big ol' shitfit about it.

---

Then I got a call from a guy who couldn't get his computer to come on. It seems like I get one of these calls a day anytime I work on the weekends. So I walked over there and.. the power manager wasn't turned on. He's all, "I checked all the cables!" And I'm all, "Dude, it's not your cables... but you should be fine now." I don't like making people feel stupid, but seriously??? Don't call me.

---

I work with the functionally illiterate
Don't get me wrong - I am by no means a pretentious intellectual grammar Nazi.

However...
I got an email when I got to work this morning from a co-worker, and its about the most retarded assed thing I've ever read.

Some things have been omitted from the text of this email (like, names...)

And I quote.. (spelling, punctuation, and verb tenses have been untouched by me)
Hi all,
Over the last 2 days we have been experiencing problem's with user's receiving a (redacted) pop up message. If they press ok it will take them to their programs. However; alot of user's have been missing their (redacted) so we were instructed to tell them to reboot and TURN THE COMPUTER OFF and in most cases everything have been restored. K just came by and told me to telling them to reboot completely so here's the heads up just in case. Also the problem was with the software and k have been working very hard with the vendor to get this problem resolve and stated it should be fixed. If not then here's the protocol for now or just ask k.



WHAT IN THE HOLY MOTHER OF FUCK IS THAT?!

---

Today I got into an argument with some random dude who doesn't work here because I would not troubleshoot why his personal laptop would not connect to the free wifi.

Dude... The wireless network is fine. That's all we have to support. I am not about to open myself up to the liability of troubleshooting random people's personal property. I mean, they have free wifi at krystal's too... Would you try to bully the cashier there into making your computer connect to it? I don't think so, and for all you know I'm as clueless as that cashier would be.

It was a shitty day and it was pretty satisfying to give someone a big resounding NO, I will not help you! Usually I have to be nice and compliant... It was rather nice to get ornery. I could, however, shoot the operator who transferred him to me.

---

I hate it when I get an email from a user, and email them back specifically asking for certain information and they don't give it to me. Example:
User: I have a pc that needs to be moved.
Me: where is the pc now and where does it need to be moved to?
User: its down the hall.

Oookay lady. Awesome reading comprehension skills there!

---

Also... I mean, okay, I've worked in an office as a secretary before, not associated with IT in any way whatsoever. I NEVER CALLED THE HELPDESK, EVER. And it kills me that people would rather just call us than even try to fix their own problems. They hate it when they call and I'm like, "Did you try rebooting?" They get so irritated. But seriously, if I tried to open, say, Outlook, and it wouldn't open? The first thing I'd do is reboot. Like, before I called anyone. I also get people who call and they say "I got *weird random error message* in this application, WHAT DO I DO?" "Have you tried closing and re-opening the app?" "No, the error message is still ON MY SCREEN!!!" "Um.. try closing and re-opening it." "Oh, okay, I wasn't sure if I should do that or not." WTF? Why wouldn't you do that? That's what I'd do in that position. ALSO, though, don't get me started on the fact that the hospital still uses OFFICE 2000. NO, I am not kidding. It has been so fucking long since I used Office 2000 that it sucks trying to support it. We used Office 2003 at my last job. I think we had a couple of users who were still stuck on Office XP (and I used to LOVE IT there when I'd upgrade someone to 2003 and then they'd cry because they didn't have an Office toolbar anymore... seriously, use the Quick Launch bar in Windows, it's the same fucking thing, it's just in the opposite corner of your screen, asshole).

---

Why do people call at like, midnight on a Sunday, to say they have no credentials to sign into some application?
I had to go back in last night (I love my job) for like 2 hours and my dumb ass picked up a ringing phone. Bad idea. This girl was like, "I've never been able to get signed in to *the application we use for tracking ER patients* and I've worked here for six months." Uhh, ok, why are you calling at midnight on a Sunday night to find out about it? I mean, if you work for any sort of large company, there is usually some big "proper avenue" you have to follow in order to get access to any application -- especially at a hospital, where everyone is OMG CONFIDENTIALITY and OMG HIPAA! And this is one of those big OMG applications. So I sign in to it, and sure enough, chick doesn't have a userid for the system. So I check her user access checklist (everyone has one, it's how your supervisor requests for you to have access to whatever you need access to) and her supervisor has never requested for her to have access to this system.

The girl was cool about it, but a) why don't you ask your boss first why you don't have access and b) why is this only occurring to you at midnight on a random Sunday when you've worked at the hospital for SIX MONTHS?

---

Yesterday I got a call from a nurse who said "I have a computer I can't get to come on." so I walked up there and hit the power button. It came on. She said, "oh, that's probably what I forgot to do.". Um, yeah? What the fuck else WOULD you do? Seriously?

Today I just spent like five minutes explaining to a user how to click on a link on our intranet site. I had to say, "click on the WORDS" like three times and she finally got it.

What in the world is wrong with people? Why are the users at the hospital all retarded?

---

Comments

[ptstech.livejournal.com]

"What in the world is wrong with people? Why are the users at the hospital all retarded?"

It ain't just them, trust me.

[ravenofdreams.livejournal.com]

Dude, I only wish I could get my users to leave their error messages up. Or write them down. Or something.
Instead, they close the message, and call me when it errors again (after quitting it again) to tell me that it said something, some error, and there were numbers, and maybe it said $gobbledegook. Then I have to figure out what popped an error, why, how, and why the fuck everything is now in Spanish.

[samldanach.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I'm there with you.

I also wish I had users who would contact me when they got the errors. I'm continuing to do support for an app I developed at a past employer, and have given all of them my email address. I never get emails about problems. Instead, I get blindsided in a quarterly status meeting with "Yeah, this function totally doesn't work, it always gives me some error, so I just don't do that anymore." I mean, WTF? They can't tell me what the error is. Often, I can't replicate the error, because it usually involves them forgetting some step on a previous screen. And, it's totally killing the data integrity, because half the people are using the system wrong! But, they didn't want to "bother" me with something as trivial as an error that prevents the proper use of the software.

[tohanry.livejournal.com]

I have the same thing....and here it's like instead of telling me...they will let it stew for 6 months and then go to my supervisor to get me in trouble....Cause I am supposed to be psychic....

[agmlego.livejournal.com]

Writing programs which email me on errors is great. Of course, seeing as I am the only user...

--
"Memento Mori Ergo Carpe Diem"

[jecook]

I feel your pain.

We tried to implement a spiffy asset tracking system last year. Part of the install process for it is to fill out a screen requesting various bits of data from the spreadsheet that we sent to all the support staff when we assigned out who was doing what machines. I also wrote documentation that explained exactly how to fill out the screen as well. Once it was ready to go and tested, we got the entire support team (15 people in total) to crank on this thing.

As a result, the database got populated with 15 different variations on a partially filled out screen. half the fields were left at the default values, half were left blank, and some were just plain wrong.

We ended up abandoning the project due to other reasons, but it still annoyed the piss out of me that these people could not read and understand how to fill out a form. it annoyed the piss out of me more, however, that the program decided that "oh! I'm going to keep a locally cache copy of what I was told, and blindly upload it to the database when I run and overwrite some poor bastard's 2 solid days of correcting the data so that it looks right!"...

[mouser.livejournal.com]

"I got *weird random error message* in this application, WHAT DO I DO?"

I agree. The number of bodies I've had to hide because I've heard "Oh, I closed it out. Why would I have actually read it?" would....

Um, wait - I'm not admitting to anything!

[the-s-guy.livejournal.com]

I love these. "So-it's-working-fine-right-at-the-moment-Call-me-if-it-happens-again-BYE." Five-second call, woo!

[dudeitsawesome.livejournal.com]

Point taken, and you are correct.

I guess I was referring more to random internet explorer "out of memory at line 63" errors than to errors in any of our actual applications.

I was being overly grumpy, though, because I also get the users who can't or won't read error messages to me... My bad!

[jcaswell.livejournal.com]

/signed.

We get teachers sending the kids to our office on a daily basis with various problems. "Is there an error message?" you ask. "Yes", they reply. "What did it say?" "I don't know"

I get a perverse sort of pleasure out of telling them in no uncertain terms to return to their classroom, try it again and write the error message down before coming back to me. Especially if they've come from the other side of the school :D

Just don't get me started on the teachers who send kids to us saying "None of the computers are working!!!!!", when what they mean is there's *one* computer won't sign on because the stupid child is incapable of remembering the password they set the day before.

[crazycatlady.livejournal.com]

I had a user just last week whose computer blue screened daily for about a week and a half before she thought she should tell me, and another one who somehow got all his monitor settings in German.

[redqueenmeg.livejournal.com]

Heh, the moving a computer one reminded me of an incident where a guy called me (I'm in Florida) and said he needed a new desk phone. So I wrote up a ticket and figured the local techs would probably need to know where to take the new phone, right? This guy was in Maryland, as I knew by his area code, and we have tons of locations there, and each location has several buildings, with hundreds of people in each one.

"OK, and where is your desk located?" I ask politely.
"Maryland," he says, in a tone of "GOD, you are so stupid."

Um, thanks?

[penguindreamz.livejournal.com]

"So do you want the tech to just stand in the middle of Maryland shouting 'here's your phone', or do you want to tell me where your desk is located?"

I used to work for a local phone company in customer service, and I can't tell you the number of people who would give me their PO Box when I asked for their address. When I asked for their physical address, they would insist that it was the PO Box. So I started telling them if I use the PO Box then they're going to have to go to the post office to use the phone. As if by magic, they would suddenly remember their physical address.

[redqueenmeg.livejournal.com]

HAH! YES!

And all the people who cannot remember their area codes...

[mariasama16.livejournal.com]

I actually had someone yesterday, when I asked them for their area, they only told me the building. "Within that building, where are you located?" seems to work well to get them to think about what I really need.

[redqueenmeg.livejournal.com]

Yeah, unfortunately, most of the people I would talk to would respond to a question like that with one of the following:

1. "What do you mean?"
2. "How should I know?"
3. "You should already have that information." (how?)

[geekgrrl-ca.livejournal.com]

I tend to get snarky with people that say #3 and respond with "Well if you want issue to get fixed you'll have to give me that info again, otherwise I can help the next person"

[jjjiii]

ICBMs have been redirected to Maryland.

Only way to be sure you can close ticket.

[penguin-attie.livejournal.com]

Re "OMG IT'S AN ERROR MESSAGE WHAT DO I DO?!?!?!!!", I had a teacher that was like that. Once she had a stupid pop-up with a bad script, and when trying to close the window IE showed an error message with "ActiveX content still running, interrupting may corrupt some files somewhere or something, be afraid! Really close window?" And she actually paid a support person to come in and close the window for her, because she was too afraid that she might lose some data if she closed it herself. Really.

I don't know what's worse, clicking all error messages away without ever reading them, or freezing whenever one shows up and getting someone else to deal with it. Although I might recommend not using Windows for either kind of person.

[mattcaron.livejournal.com]

Although I might recommend not using Windows for either kind of person.

Fixed that for you. :-)

[goose-entity.livejournal.com]

A+, would shop here again ;)

[computer-girrrl.livejournal.com]

"Why do people call at like, midnight on a Sunday"

I the same twisted logic why everyone calls like two minutes before the end of the office day on a Friday because something hasn't been working for X months.

[mattcaron.livejournal.com]

Thank you, you've shown how non-mission-critical it is. I will make a ticket and it will be handled sometime next week. Thanks for calling!

[jrho.livejournal.com]

Oh, hi. Clearly you are spying on my work environment today. The problem in this app must have been broken since January at least, but no one tells me about it until today. I think I'll take my sweet time getting that problem fixed.

[mattcaron.livejournal.com]

Don't get me wrong - I am by no means a pretentious intellectual grammar Nazi.

Careful relating people to Nazis. You'll trigger a shitstorm. See? (http://community.livejournal.com/techsupport/1819027.html)

[jecook]

*laughs*

I'm still pondering over that thread, actually... oh well.

[mattcaron.livejournal.com]

I think a lot of it is folks taking things way too seriously.

But then again, I'm an engineer and a volunteer fireman - I have a kind of different view as to what really matters, which generally comes down to "if people aren't getting hurt, it doesn't really matter all that much now, does it?".

[bamatone.livejournal.com]

File sizes for .xlsx are much, much smaller than .xls and that's one of the main reasons I moved to 2007.

[goose-entity.livejournal.com]

and OpenOffice is better and open source :-P

[bamatone.livejournal.com]

Hehe. If I could use it at work, I would. The program I use most for my job exports reports to an Excel book, and it's extremely Microsoft-centric, I'm afraid. *thumbs down*

[goose-entity.livejournal.com]

I still use OO.o, even though work has also drunk of the MS kool-aid. "Save as" is my friend, and as soon as OO.o3 is out of beta, I will be a happy camper!

[polarbee.livejournal.com]

Completely OT:
Is your icon from a avatar generator somewhere? I'm been seeing similar avatars popping up around.