my first venture into community posting..

[azaezelya.livejournal.com]

Hello all. After my friends poking at me and telling me to come over here, I've joined up to share some of my work stories. I could make the obligatory, "OMG I'm a n00b to your group, plz don't flame me!!!11" - but then I'd sound like the people I get on my phone every day, now wouldn't I?

None the less, I'm obviously a phone-jockey, or nanny for the braindead, drooling masses that wake up one day and decide to register domains, setup websites or even go as far as buying a dedicated server when they have no business being let out of their padded rooms. I hail from the frying pan that is Phoenix, AZ...and my employer..well, they're pretty known, but of course can stay nameless.

I've got several posts I've made in my personal LJ, so I'll post some of those here. I'll start with the latest one I made, that brought on another round of "GO JOIN AND POST NOW!!" from my friends. This was my entry of short calls that I posted in lieu of making a post of some of the longer stories I've got in my arsenal just waiting to be written out.

Without further rambling:

A.K.A., short but amusing calls from the last few weeks.

1. This call is a figment of my imagination.
Me: Can I have your customer number?
Mr. Fucktard: How about my email address? I need to talk about my email anyway. Its *******@********.com
*checks the system*
Me: I'm sorry, I'm not finding anything by that email address.
Mr. Fucktard: Well I guess I don't exist then. Time to find a new email provider. *click*

2. Difficulty Rating: Old
*gives opening speech, pulls up account*
Me: Can I confirm the last four of your credit card to open your account?
Geriatric Assclown: Can you tell me what type of card I have on file?
Me: No, I only have a little box to type the number into.
Geriatric Assclown: You are MAKING THIS TOO HARD ON ME!!!! *click*

3. I'm in Austrailia!!
*customer tells me her problem is an email we've sent her with instructions*
Idiot Angry Australian Banshee: I don't know what to do with this email! I'm in Australia!
Me: Well, all you have to do is click on the link---
Idiot Angry Australian Banshee: I DON'T WANT TO CLICK ON THE LINK, I'M IN AUSTRALIA! I WANT A SUPERVISOR! I'M IN AUSTRALIA!!
Me: Please hold.
*transfers after leaving her on hold for five minutes to ensure racking up more international minutes*

4. Illiterate Douche
Me: Okay so in order to do this, do you see that heading in the box?
Lazy McShitface: Can you read it for me? I'm too lazy to read.
Me: I guess you're all set then, I'm sending a survey, have a good night.

5. Too drunk to internets.
*this is the fifth time the customer asks this*
Beer-swilling Cockjockey: How long ...before I can..set this up?
Me: The propigation time is 24 hours, but it may be available sooner than that.
Beer-swilling Cockjokey: *whines* Pleeeeaaaase don't tell meeeeeee that aaaaaaaaaaagaaaaaaaaaaain!! I'm soooooooo tired!!! *mumbles incoherantly* How long before I can do that?

Comments

[wxgeek.livejournal.com]

wow. awesome. :D

[taleya.livejournal.com]

ahh, welcome. The pool of beer to drown yourself in is to the left.

[jecook]

And mind the Ultra-Black safe.

[ravenofdreams.livejournal.com]

Wait, wait, update me here - do links work differently in Australia? I didn't think they did, but maybe I'm wrong....
:snerk:
Welcome! Be careful, though, whatever it is we've got around here seems to be catching.

[bitterfun.livejournal.com]

They do. They open in a counter-clockwise pattern rather than the normal clockwise way of openning.

[ex-deliveryboy.livejournal.com]

you beat me to it.

[omg-teh-funnay.livejournal.com]

You love your new icon, don't you?

[bitterfun.livejournal.com]

IT'S JUST SO DAMN HAPPY GO LUCKY!!! I CAN'T STOP BEING HAPPY!!! WHY CAN'T I STOP BEING HAPPY!!!! WWWWWWWHHHHHHAAAAAAIIIIII??????????

[omg-teh-funnay.livejournal.com]

Does it burn? The absence of bile, I mean.... does it burn?

[bitterfun.livejournal.com]

No, but It burns when It's happy. Burn!! Just like the leprechaun told us!!!! Burn!!!

[mattcaron.livejournal.com]

Is it tempura bacon? :-)

[kizayaen.livejournal.com]

"Oh, I'm SO SORRY! Can you please hold for a moment so I can verify the Australian instructions for you?"

[dreadw0lf.livejournal.com]

I feel for you. I used to work there 3 years ago...

*shudders with nightmares*

I worked in the Scottsdale office ;)

[azurelunatic]

Gilbert here, escaped 3 weeks.

[hazelite.livejournal.com]

^5 Arizona IT

[yanni85.livejournal.com]

Can you read it for me? I'm too lazy to read.

At least they can admit their problems. I'd say it's a first step but that's a but useless when it's obvious they won't be taking any more.

[ex-deliveryboy.livejournal.com]

about fucking time!


:)

[phirefly.livejournal.com]

One of my least favorite customers was one of the nicest onces. He was pleasant, loved chit-chatting. Took up hours of my time, including an hour of overtime, even though he wasn't entitled to technical support due to my company's policies. After all that time on the phone, getting nowhere, I sent him an email that said, essentially, "This is your problem. Click the link below to fix it." Two days later, at the end of the day, again, I get a call back from him... and find out that he's spoken to everybody else in the company and their uncles over the last eight hours trying to fix the same problem I sent him an email about days ago.

Me: Did you read the email I sent you?
Him: The long one?
Me: Yes.
Him: No, it was long.
Me: (After taking a moment to recompose myself to avoid yelling at him), Let's go look at that email.
Him: (Several minutes later), Okay. I've got it open.
Me: See that link there? The long blue one?
Him: Yes.
Me: Click that.

Never heard back from him, and I hope no one else did either. My gods. If you aren't going to use the help we give you, just go the fuck away, people!