Tech Support Drinking Game

[lordchaos.livejournal.com]

I work for a local computer retail company. I've gotten rather sick of hearing the same old stuff over and over. So I decided to make a drinking game out of it. I figure you just make a tally and take it home at the end of the day and make up for it there.

1) Take 1 drink(s) if a customer says that their computer isn't that old.
1a) Take an additional drink if their computer is old than four years. running anything older than Windows ME.
2) Take 1 drink(s) if the customer can't get online.
2a) Take 1 shot(s) if the customer isn't even connected.
3) Take 1 drink(s) if the customer can't get email.
3a) Take 1 shot if the customer isn't even connected.
4) Take 2 shot(s) if the customer didn't backup 'critical data.'
5) Take 2 shot(s) if the customer wants you to walk them through a Windows Reload over the phone.
6) Take 3 shot(s) if the customer blames you for Vista sucking.
7) Take 1 drink(s) if the customer refers to their desktop as their 'home page.'
8) Take 2 drink(s) if the customer responds "I hope so!" to "Can I help you?"
9) Take 1 drink(s) if the customer says "I'm not very computer literate."
10) Take 2 drink(s) if the customer says "I'm not very computer illiterate."
11) Take 1 drink(s) if you find porn on the desktop.
11a) Take 2 drink(s) if there is a pornographic image set as the background.
11b) Take 4 shot(s) if it involves bondage, whips, needles, or coke bottles.
12) Take 1 drink(s) if a customer thinks a computer costing more than $199 is outrageous.
13) Take 4 drink(s) if a customer thinks they can buy a high end gaming machine for under $400 (and it's not an xbox)

Anyone want to add to this?

Edited: 1a and 13.

Comments

[djbp.livejournal.com]

5 shots if the damage is due to a fossil embedded in the screen.
2 drinks if the damage is due to acid.
2 drinks if the damage is from liquefied gas.

[evilbutcute.livejournal.com]

fossil? Is there a story attached to this?

[compwizrd.livejournal.com]

2b) Take 3 drink(s) if the customer doesn't have a computer.

[ptstech.livejournal.com]

BWAHAAHAAHAA!!!

(Got that one once - user signed up for cable internet and was stunned, shocked, and stupefied to learn that a computer was actually needed to access it)

[glitteringlynx.livejournal.com]

Re 1a.. I dunno depending what you're trying to do, 4 years isn't necessarily old for a PC. I have an Athlon 2500+ XP which is 4 or 5 years old now and it does what I need it to, save for some of the newer games that require higher specs.

I'd change it to "user is running Windows 95, 98 or ME"

[cirobi.livejournal.com]

i'd have to agree with this. my own PC at home is probably technically 4-5 years old and doesn't skip a beat. granted i've upgraded a few parts along the way and made sure the video card was high end when i built it, but still. you can have a name brand PC under warranty for 5 years if you extend it. going with old unsupported OS types is probably a better qualifier.

[mouser.livejournal.com]

11c) Take two drinks if the porn involves the customer.
11d) Take two drinks if the porn involves animals.
11e) Get VERY drunk if the porn involves minors, but wait until AFTER you talk to the nice federal agents.


14) Take a drink for each $100 of software the user wants you to pirate for them.

[lordchaos.livejournal.com]

What have you been asked to pirate for a customer?

[aylinn.livejournal.com]

fit in as needed:

Take 1 drink if user can't print something.
Take 2 drinks if printer isn't connected to computer.
Take 3 drinks if printer is connected but is off-line.
Take 4 drinks if printer is off-line because it is out of paper.

[ravan.livejournal.com]

Take 1 shot if the user is trying to print a big personal job to the color printer
Take another shot if the user is not allowed to print to the color printer because of too many wasteful personal print jobs.

[bitterfun.livejournal.com]

11c) Finish the bottle if the customer is trying to remove the desktop porn before his/her parents get home.

14) Take 2 drinks if the user's son/daughter/grandson/granddaughter installed a linux distro for their computer illiterate parent.

[evilbutcute.livejournal.com]

And the epidemic of unexplained alcohol poisoning across the nation of tech support personnell begins...

[celyste.livejournal.com]

tell me about it. I think I'd best call in dead to work. *L*

[sirxaph.livejournal.com]

2c) take 4 shots if they have no modem or router, have no idea what one is and are blaming you for them not having ordered the one that they had to specifically deselect to say they didn't want it.

1b) take 3 shots if they just bought the computer from a 'friend' for $500, and it's a 486 running win3.1

15) take a shot if they can't get their mouse to work
15a) take 2 shots if they have no mouse connected.
15b) take 3 shots if they don't understand the whole concept of mouse/cursor control.
16) take a shot every time they call their computer case the "hard drive".
16a) take two shots whenever they call their monitor "the computer". Unless it's an imac.
16b) take an extra shot if they claim not to even have a computer case when you try to describe it to them.
17) Finish the bottle if, when you ask them to check things are plugged in, they disconnect the phone.

[whitewolf3399.livejournal.com]

18) Take a shot if the customers responds "But sales weasel 'x' told me you could do this"

18a) Take two shots if the above sales weasel 'x' calls you directly

[caira.livejournal.com]

18a) Take two shots if the above sales weasel 'x' calls you directly

Only if you miss them the first time . . .

[10001110101.livejournal.com]

OH MY GOD! Do you SERIOUSLY have any idea how wasted we'd all be at the end of EVERY SINGLE DAY if we actually DID this?

Well, I do. And I have every intention of doing so.

Also:
14a) Take 1 drink for every user account that doesn't require a password.
14b) Substitute 1 shot for every aforementioned account with administrative privileges.
15a) Take 1 shot for every time someone refers to hard drive space as "memory".
15b) Finish the bottle if that person is a fellow technician.

[cirobi.livejournal.com]

due to my commute length and the stupidity of drivers on the way to work i'd save up for the weekend. i'd be willing to bet i wouldn't be completely sober until well into monday. XD

[ihateemo.livejournal.com]

13) Take 4 drink(s) if a customer thinks they can buy a high end gaming machine for under $400

You can, it's called the Xbox 360. ;D

[lordchaos.livejournal.com]

Doh! I didn't think about that one.

[harry-whodunnit.livejournal.com]

16) Do a shot if the customers refers to the desktop screen as their screensaver.
17) Do a shot if the customer that called you an hour ago for a password reset has forgotten their password.
18) Do two shots if a customer who insisted on a convoluted identification procedure now insists that you set aside the security process they demanded because they can't remember their passphrase.
19) Do a shot for every five times the customer says "but it's really me" when you explain why they have to identify themselves when asking for new services on their account.
20) Do a shot if a lonely old man/woman finds enough excuses to continue the call past its logical end that your call stats blow out, killing your chance of earning a bonus this month.

[lordchaos.livejournal.com]

You mean the desktop isn't called the screen saver? I thought it was, because it saves it from the dark side.

That is a new one that I haven't heard. :)

[kyalesyin.livejournal.com]

Take a drink every time customer's email to you consists of simply 'why doesn't my computer work?!'

Take two if customer is claiming in the email that they can't connect to the internet.

[catsidhe.livejournal.com]

Small correction: it's more likely to be something like
“why dose'nt my Cmupter wokr???!?!"

[miertam.livejournal.com]

21) Finish the bottle if the customer wants you to move their OE icon to the other side of the desktop so they can find it.
22) Take a drink anytime the customer says "It was working fine yesterday."
23)Take a drink anytime the customer wants you to personally deliver the machine(anytime if your shop doesn't have in house service, or after hours if your shop does) because they are too busy to come pick it up.

[ptstech.livejournal.com]

Take a drink if they argue with your assessment of their problem because their son/daughter/niece/nephew/paperboy/dog walker/horse whisperer is "good with computers" and told them something else.

[10001110101.livejournal.com]

I have a special hatred for this sort of thing, so I'll substitute "take a drink" for "head straight for the nearest bar, and don't leave while still able to under your own power".

[teriwyn.livejournal.com]

Take 1 drink if the problem is resolved by a simple reboot.
(b): Finish the bottle if the customers still swears they "already tried that" in spite of evidence to the contrary.

[the-s-guy.livejournal.com]

Take a drink if you have any of the following workplace policies or commonplace events:

* Maximum call times
* Not allowed to hang up on a caller no matter what
* Bonuses or penalties based on things you have no control over
* Must 'attempt to help' all callers even if they've drunk-dialled the wrong number
* The customer is always right
* Your supervisor or manager will instantly override anything you've told the caller, even if you're right and they're wrong
* - and then make you do the work they said would be done
* Anything said by a salesdroid takes precedence over anything said by a tech, up to and including rewriting the laws of physics
* The only time management will back you to the hilt is when it's between your shoulderblades
* Mandatory unpaid overtime
* If a caller continues to blather on well into your lunch break, the time comes out of your break

[phrogg.livejournal.com]

I'm lucky...only the last line affects me. My lunch gets cut short, but i still get paid for the time i lost. And it turns into OT. So i don't know if i'd have to drink on that one. >_>

[onyxrising.livejournal.com]

Multiple drinks for every customer that calls tech support because they want you to teach them how to be a hacker.

[lordchaos.livejournal.com]

Ever had someone call up and want them to walk you through how to write a X11 config file?

[110billion.livejournal.com]

I'm going to be paralytic by the time I complete this.

[deaddoloreshaze.livejournal.com]

take 2 shots if the customer can't find their "start" button

[laviededavid.livejournal.com]

i see that and a myriad of other lack of common sense issues DAILY....like just because it's a box with a screen doesnt make it intimidating or challenging to learn if you just F-CKING TRY!!!!

[shirenomad]

Take a drink if the caller doesn't have the computer turned on when they call.
...a shot if they're on a phone nowhere near the computer.
...three shots if they're calling from a different building.

Take a drink if they say "there was an error message" but didn't bother to write down or remember a single word from it.

Finish the bottle if you're a female techie and the caller insists on talking to a guy. (Then smash it over the bozo's head.)