Bag of Hammers Anyone?

[ohmyhead.livejournal.com]

SHE IS BACK. Actually, she has never left, unfortunately. But my first 30 minutes at my desk this morning were aaaaall her. The following is the absolute truth.

Her <--- Executive Assistant: Can you fix my chair? It's too far forward! (She struggles with the levers, violently shaking in her chair)

Me: You haven't mastered your own chair YET? It's been like 6 months.

Her: We have Gremlins in here, I am telling you.

Me: I fix her chair. Receive zero thanks.

* 10 minutes pass *

Her: Do you have a stapler? Mine is out of staples.

Me: I spin around in my chair, point to my stapler, then spin back to my screens.

Her: *struggling* Then, "Alan. I was trying to staple my papers in here. *Points to the Cordless Drill Battery Charger With Battery IN IT* THEN complains that we don't have any electric staplers!

* 5 minutes pass *

Her: She approaches me with a bagel in one hand and a tub of cream cheese in the other.

Me: What, you want me to spread cream cheese on your bagel for you??

Her: She holds them out in front as if to say "YES".

Me: What is it now?

Her: My e-mail...

Me: E-mail has been restored just now.

Her: No it hasn't.

Me: Yeah, it has. Just now, while you were on your way to my desk. Again.

Her: No it hasn't!

Me: Dammit, you are starting to piss me off! Now go back to your damned desk and see if your email is working!

Her: Utter silence.

Me: You're email is connected, isn't it.

Her. Yes.

DIE, BITCH!

I swear, her boss, the big kahuna here, is sitting 10 feet from all of this, door wide open, and he is utterly clueless how moronic this woman is. Now, I know my tone with her here isn't the smartest thing to do, but Jesus, ENOUGH ALREADY. Fix my chair??!!

Comments

[mathsnerd]

Oh wow. Spread my bagel with cream cheese??!!

I suggest you start talking to her in Dr Seuss-isms like Green Eggs and Ham. Maybe then she'll get it. :P

Sorry you're having to deal with that at work. There really should be some clause against "cruel and unusual punishment" for techs.

*offers cappuccino and e-cookies*

[ohmyhead.livejournal.com]

Thanks! That's very kind of you. :) Now, she didn't actually want me to bagelize her, she was just being a smart-ass in the face of MY smart-ass. When really, there isn't much "smart" going on, but plenty of ASS.

[dusktodawn.livejournal.com]

you should record one of these conversations and let your boss listen to it....O.o otherwise, i commend you for that having already ripped her throat out.

[dusktodawn.livejournal.com]

for not having*

[ohmyhead.livejournal.com]

Well, all he would have heard had I recorded our exchanges this morning was a fed-up ME, being mean to his beloved moron assistant eye-candy.

As for ripping her throat out, I just can't. I mean, if she couldn't talk, I wouldn't have much to post about in here, would I! :D

[greeklady.livejournal.com]

When she needs her chair fixed, have her call ERGO (if you have a ergo department like we do) or facilities. Chairs do not fall under IT category.

And you allow walk ups? Unless it is an emergency for the big boss, her ass needs a ticket. And a clue by four to the head.

[ohmyhead.livejournal.com]

There is such a thing as an ERGO department? What a trip! She sits right next to me, and we sit right next to the boss. She knows she needs to put tickets in, but somehow, when she loses her mind, no tickets get entered.

I should enter one for her about that chair. Yeah! Thanks! My IT Manager will shit a Miata when she sees that. hahaha!

[peace873.livejournal.com]

Are you sure she doesn't want to mate with you?

[ohmyhead.livejournal.com]

Nah. Although I'd surely go there if I had a ticket.

[vortex.livejournal.com]

My thoughts exactly!...

[wherdafux-d-cat.livejournal.com]

Yanno, that would be another explanation for the offering of cream cheese.......

[the-s-guy.livejournal.com]

Print out a bunch of request forms. Make 'em look all businesslike. Places for name, date and time of request, who's making the request, what they need done etc.

Every time they ask you something, have them fill out one of the forms and sign it (if they balk, fill one out with what they tell you, and then have them sign it). Tell them it's to help you track your time and return maximum gains to the company, or some such buzzword bingo.

Bonus points if you can get them to sign a bunch of pre-filled forms for all the wacky crap they've requested so far.

On each form, add the amount of time taken out of your day holding this person's hand this time, the total unnecessary time taken up by this person so far this year, and the form number you're up to. Have little boxes for these things. Extra bonus for having a box with "Is this the job of IT to handle? Yes/No", with NO being carefully circled each time.

After a week or so, paperclip copies of them all together, add a cover sheet asking for more staff to cover the surge of additional requests which have cropped up, and put the whole thing in your boss's intray.

[mathsnerd]

That is so evil it just might work! Of course, the OP might just get crap from the boss for not being able to handle the "normal" workload. But still, I love the idea!

[ohmyhead.livejournal.com]

Ok, that sounds...labor-intensive. I'll just put in a ticket in the system on her behalf requesting chair adjustment. That will have quite a significant effect if I know my boss.

[vortex.livejournal.com]

Dude!

She's playing "Dumb Blonde" to get your attention!
I think she wants to "Get It On!" with you and that is the only way she knows how to convey it!

I say go for it!...

[ohmyhead.livejournal.com]

Fucking the handicapped is a felony if I'm not mistaken.

[tragnon.livejournal.com]

Hmmm...Maybe you should 'fix' her chair...then when it tips and dumps her on her caboose, you can say, "sorry, I tried as a favor, guess I'm only qualified to fix technical stuff', and she can nurse her aching backside and contemplate calling the appropriate repair personnel.

[ohmyhead.livejournal.com]

She'd probably sick some gangbangers on me. I'm not even joking. Especially after I wet myself laughing at her when the chairs gives out.

[siliconshaman.livejournal.com]

Dude, you're I.T !

Fubar her computer, then tell her it'll take at least the afternoon/morning/however-the-hell-long-you-think-you-can-get-away-with, and tell her to go home/away/to hell...

Enjoy the silence, rinse and repeat whenever you need a mental health break. Hell, you'd be doing the company a favor as productivity will go up without you [and whomever else she bothers] having to stop every five minutes to wipe her ass.

Best of all, you can blame her for 'breaking' her computer and nobody would be that surprised.

[ohmyhead.livejournal.com]

A plan worth undertaking! EXCEPT...the boss. Even if the squirted a tube of toothpaste into the CPU fan on her PC, any downtime would be MY FAULT.

Is it happy hour YET????

[methedras.livejournal.com]

Well at least you get to go under her desk whilst she's sitting down right?

[ohmyhead.livejournal.com]

I've seen too much Tentacle Pr0n. I'm askeered!

And hey, watch it with that saber. You could lose an eyebrow!

[ohmyhead.livejournal.com]

She has surely told me (too) many times how afraid of him she is.

Huh. You're probably right! That would explain it ALL.

[shirenomad]

Her: She approaches me with a bagel in one hand and a tub of cream cheese in the other.

Me: What, you want me to spread cream cheese on your bagel for you??

No, no, what you need to do is say "thank you!" and eat the bagel.

[ohmyhead.livejournal.com]

DAMMIT! That hindsight is 20/20, isn't it.

It was strawberry cream cheese, too.

[perfect-ruin.livejournal.com]

Kill. It. With. Fire.

[ohmyhead.livejournal.com]

I'm ready, my master.

[gilmoure.livejournal.com]

Come in early and remove chair from stand, leaving just a metal pole on wheels at her desk. See if she notices.

[ohmyhead.livejournal.com]

Oh!!!! And then blame it on THE GREMLINS she talks about! She mentions those to take the ridicule off of herself. It is so sad and pathetic. If she wqas ugly, she'd likely be homeless.

Disassemble her chair. Niiiiiiice.

But I already balked on sabotage. But DAMN I like that idea. I could always wander the premises and find a chair without all the levers and what-not on iot, replace hers with the lower maintenance version, then blame it on the gremlins.