Tech Support HELL

Why, imagine meeting you here!

Miss Lunatic is not allowed to inquire if our competitor is at least warming up the K-Y. (I can't believe I got away with this.)
Must remove all of the pushpins from the bag of cough drops before offering them to co-workers.
Not allowed to post personally identifiable details about our clients in her blog.
... Not even if they are particularly funny.
... Not even if the joke would be spoiled without knowing the domain name in question.
Should refrain from making up and passing out bingo sheets for the quality assurance violation checklist at the next team meeting.
... making it a scavenger hunt instead of a bingo game doesn't cut it either.
... and for god's sake not a drinking game.
Yes, Rev. T. got away with swearing on the phone, but that was with supervisor permission when the client asked her to read back his website to her.
Not allowed to mock the customer for making the same mistake you just had to have a supervisor help you with on the last call.
Not supposed to go to the advanced team twice in a row with the same crazy error (needing their intervention because you don't have access to fix it) on back-to-back calls.
Must not help clueless customers sort out their custom DNS woes, because we do not support it and it makes the less clueful techs look bad.
Should not groan and wince when the customer mentions Microsoft Publisher in context of creating their web page.
Should not take unfair advantage of the gender ratio.
... Especially when you have a geek fetish and don't know which way to look first.
Really should not Google the hot Tier 3 guy and leave him a message on his MySpace, even though he doesn't check it more often than every three months or so.
Should avoid the use of caps lock in account notes when at all possible, unless absolutely warranted. (Customer saying "I'm a technical idiot" is sometimes grounds for caps lock. Hey, it's not a judgment call on OUR part if the CUSTOMER says it...)
Should use discretion in selecting verbatim comments from the customers to put in the account notes.
Does not need to send an instant message to the entire team detailing the bloody painful call right now.
Should not mock the less-technical members of the team.
Should not mock the less-technical members of the team by trying to stump them with deceptively wrong-headed questions that a customer has tried asking.
Should especially not ask the former used car salesman how to switch $TEMPLATE_BASED_WEB_HOSTING between Windows and Linux, because he will take the bait. (Said product is Linux-based and cannot actually be switched like regular web hosting.)
Should never again attempt to start up a Quidditch game (Australian rules, indoor variety) on the call center floor, even if you did bring a blinky-ball.
Your supervisor does not need to know about that last caller.
Haiku should be kept as blog comments in the official team blog, and not part of account notes.
Should not attempt to cite Time Cube as a reason for letting all twelve team members take advantage of three available break slots.
Should exercise more restraint in laughing at dirty jokes from the customers.
Should not leap through the phone and deck the guys who said they must have pushed the wrong button -- they need someone technical.
Cannot prank-call co-workers.

From:

mantic-angel.livejournal.com

Does not need to send an instant message to the entire team detailing the bloody painful call right now. I'd go insane if I didn't have a few coworkers I can discuss my worst calls with. It's half the fun of the job!

Also, icon love :)

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Few co-workers, yes. They are much love. But I'm on a 15-20 person team (membership fluctuates), and initiating a group chat with the WHOLE TEAM for the purpose of complaining in detail about the current agonizing call is not quite on. (In less detail, it works. But not with three paragraphs of me getting all rantyfaced.)

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And thank you!

amberite made it.

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And you met Amberite a few years ago, Mantic. Remember your birthday where we ended up at the Unholy Trinity's place?
wow, geeks are a small, small world. I've met so many of the people who've responded IRL. I'd be curious to see how the community looks on a social map.

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May never attempt to set up a forwarding loop on any of the servers, not even to test if the safeguards against same are working.
Forbidden from passing along any of the security holes and workarounds you've uncovered, even if they could figure it out themselves from publicly available documentation.
... May point people who really need it at the correct publicly available documentation.
Must never again provide support for a product that isn't ours.
Should not speak in LOLCats to customers.
... Not even when the phrasing is appropriate in context.
... And especially should not crack up laughing when the customer calls you on it.
Must not swap horror stories with customers.
Should not get caught up in a discussion of weather, knitting, cats, Google, home, traffic cameras, or politics with a customer.
... Especially not politics.
Should not Google a customer out of curiosity.
Should refrain from visiting the website of crackpot Presidential candidates while on the job.
... Unless they are customers calling in.
... ... Must restrain self from decking customers running a "racist fuckhead" campaign.
Should not provide customers enough random data points to later find me on LJ.
... Especially not customers who have been mocked in said LJ.
... Not even if they're not directly identifiable.
All flying objects in the call center must be identifiable.
Must not organize a conspiracy to all throw balls at the same person at the same time.
... Not even on a low call volume day.
... Especially not over someone else.
... Especially not while they are on a call.
Must not hit people in the head with balls.
... Especially not while they are on a call.
... Especially not while they are trying to take down information from the customer.
... Especially not multiple times in a row.
Must use the *hold* button while cussing out a problem customer, not the *mute* button.

(I haven't done ALL of these, but I really shouldn't.)

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Should all this fun stuff be saved at Geekhousekeeper? We were talking about doing a humour section, and then we could get input from friends who *gasp* refuse to use lj.

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Oh gods yes.

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It's been so long since we toyed with that thing that I've forgotten the password. Can I get you to email it to my gmail?

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... Oh, I've got a few that I've done in my time at the old 'bring it to us' bench ...

- Not allowed to greet customer with "Welcome to McTechhelp, can I take your order?

- Not allowed to behave like I have the worst possible case of mental retardation just to make the female tech look highly competent to a sexist customer. (This story was relayed in this group previously ...)

- Not allowed to cause a very gullible customer to think that he is the star of a massive reality television movie. (Think "The Truman Show". Yes, I did that once. Yes, I am a sadistic bastard when I haven't gotten my break.)

- Not allowed to keep a crowbar in a frame behind the bench titled "Final Resort".

- Not allowed to keep a sledgehammer in a frame behind the bench titled "Final Resort, Wetware Version."

- Not allowed to suggest a trip to digital camera section to a customer after seeing very low-quality pictures *wink wink, nudge nudge, say no more, say no more!* of customer's significant other during a data backup.

- Not allowed to leave comments in tag that the (highly abusive and rather idiotic) customer should downgrade from a laptop to an etch-a-sketch in an effort to reduce tech bench employee turnover.

- Not allowed to BUY an etch-a-sketch and bring it into work to offer it to said customer.

- Training the Computer Sales Staff in proper use of firearms is not 'appropriate, constructive training in how to help reduce the number of computer returns', and should not be done.

- I am not to introduce all technicians as "Bob" when they clearly have nametags that do not indicate that they are in fact "Bob".

- I am not to procure nametags for entire tech staff that say "Bob", even if they want them.

- I am not to procure nametags that have only (false) ID numbers on them.

- I am not to declare a holy war on the sales managers.

- I am not to train the tech bench staff in the proper use of firearms for -any- reason whatsoever.

- I am not to arm the tech bench staff and suggest they find someone else to train them, either.

- I am not the god of paperwork, and cannot demand sacrifices of properly filled out work forms from the staff ... even if that is exactly what I am supposed to be doing.

- I am not allowed to rewire the phone system so that the Tech Department's hold music is Slayer's "Hell Awaits".

- I am not allowed to rewire the phone system so that the Tech Department's hold music is Alice in Chain's "Man in the Box".

- I am not allowed to rewire the phone system, period. (I had changed it to Led Zeppelin's "Immigrant Song" when the final edict came down ...)

- I am not permitted to seize floor sales staff from computers to help me handle the customers at the Tech Bench if I am the only person scheduled on a national holiday and have a 14 person line waiting to talk to someone ... even if they are allowed to seize the technicians when they're only a -little- bit busy.

- I am not permitted to declare myself the guardian of the Customer Service Girls.

- I am not permitted to allow them to declare me that, either, even if it -is- frequently true.

- I am not allowed to send the new kid on witch hunts through the store for things that do not exist.

- I am not allowed to keep a bottle of JD in the tech bench for emergencies.

- I am not allowed to keep a bottle of Sake in the tech bench for emergencies.

- I am not allowed to keep -any- alcohol in the tech bench for -any reason-.

- I am not allowed to throw out the alcohol used for cleaning based on the above statement.

- I am not allowed to impersonate The Godfather when dealing with lower-rank employees.

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- I am not allowed to impersonate Crazy Eddie over the loudspeaker system ever again.

- I am not allowed to make political speeches over the loudspeaker system.

- I am not allowed to play poker in the top-stock with other technicians.

- I am not allowed to do this even if none of us are on the clock.

- I am not allowed to carry any blade larger than a swiss army knife on my person while at work.

- I am not allowed to create department mascots. (Don't ask.)

- I am not allowed to declare non-departmental staff to be department mascots.

- I am not allowed to declare department staff to be department mascots.

- I am not allowed to point out when the sales managers make a serious error.

- I am not allowed to fail to point out when the sales managers are making a serious error.

- I am not allowed to give military rank insignia to the departmental leadership.

- I am not allowed to give candy to the sales staff in an effort to condition them to do their jobs properly.

- I am not allowed to give candy to the managers in an effort to condition them to let me do my job properly.

- I am not allowed to subvert the rules from the inside to allow us to get the job done properly.

- I am not allowed to wear a shoulder holster with my uniform, even if the gun is nowhere near the building.

- I am not allowed to wear handcuffs with my uniform.

- The Tech Manager is not 'the final authority I obey', even if he says he is.

- The new LP Manager is not 'a bit like Mussoulini, only less Italian'.

- I am not allowed to write out trouble tickets in German, even if the problem is obvious to anyone with at least 2 of the 5 senses working.

- I am not allowed to blatantly state the obvious in an insulting manner in a trouble ticket, even if there is no other possible way to describe the problem (think about it this way - you have to send a blown-up microwave to the service center. How do -you- describe the problem and condition of the unit?)

- I am not allowed to bring "test DVD's" for the bench anymore.

- I am not allowed to MAKE "Test DVD's" for the bench anymore.

- I am not allowed to discuss politics with the customers.

- I am not allowed to discuss firearms with the customers.

- I am not allowed to explain to an angry customer who says I will go to hell for refusing to allow the return on his son's broken-in-half Nintendo Advance SP that I do not fear hell because I work in retail.

- I am not allowed to take a vacation.

- I am not allowed to not take a vacation, because that makes me VERY cranky.

- I am not allowed to openly declare holy war on the Video Department for bringing me 14 open-box TV's that require repair because they set up the display rack wrong and fried the lot of them. (Worth noting, I worked there before "jihad" was a word not spoken in public or used in jest.)

.... this list can go on ... and on ... and on ...

The scary thing is I only spent ... what, 3 years there?

From:

mariasama16.livejournal.com

Oh man, you make me glad that I was only in that particular position for 1.5 years and for the company as a whole (was a cashier first), for 2 years (well, I was a month and a half away from reaching the 2 years). You also bring back some very interesting memories :)

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Mmm. If you were front registers at any point, you -might- get a chuckle out of this one

There's actually a few funny ones that didn't belong there because I was still allowed to do them, although if any higher management than the people present were there, I'd probably have gotten sacked for it. This is one of the better ones ...

I'm an airsofter. I had an airsoft PSG-1 sniper rifle. (Big, big gun. Plastic BB's.)

The cashiers would tie balloons to their register lights every time they sold a PRP or PSP.

These would stay up until closing.

One night, the inventory manager, the head of the tech bench, and myself decided to test the PSG-1 ... by setting it up in a makeshift sniper's nest in the topstock over computers, and plinking the balloons when no one was near them.

... I think we gave the one cashier who was flirting with the LP guy a heart attack. ^_^;;

(And people might have thought I was kidding about the whole 'arming / firearms training not allowed to lines ......)

- Unrelated note, NICE ICON!

From:

kayfox.livejournal.com

- I am not allowed to explain to an angry customer who says I will go to hell for refusing to allow the return on his son's broken-in-half Nintendo Advance SP that I do not fear hell because I work in retail.

Well... considering some of the units I have seen returned to Nintendo by stores...

Yes, I have seen that. Along with a DS Lite that had the touchscreen forced into the unit in a manner that dislodged everything soldered to the PCB.

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... yeah. Let's just say that when it came to returns, Management was 99% likely to back what the tech says on the "Go / No Go" aspect of a return. As a result, my store had a reputation for being 'a place not to return majorly damaged gear to', unless the gear was obviously damaged somewhere -else- in the chain of events (like the guy who brought in a TV that had been shipped to him ... the box looked fine, but the TV would have been very easily carried about in a few ziplock bags. Incidentally, that's the german trouble ticket trouble up above.)

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All flying objects must stay within your team's airspace.
Do not attempt to hack the queue board.
Even if you did bring enough snacks for the whole team, they are to be passed hand-to-hand, not hurled: see regulation about flying objects: identifiability and airspace.
"I heard about it on slashdot" does not constitute a viable excuse to QA.
May not use the notes feature on the internal IM program for anything other than professional contact information. (Wasn't me who spoiled this one for the team, but I was still ordered not to do it.)
May not taunt other departments.
Must keep a straight face while spelling customer's domain back.
May not taunt a customer for inability to spell.
May not taunt a customer for inability to type in a password.

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calriddia.livejournal.com

Dood, the 4 and 3 to last are some that we do anyway! hahah! And oh man! The domain names that people have are priceless.

Thanks for the laugh everyone, these are great!

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I don't know exactly what item in someone's communicator caused it, but suddenly the supervisor was cracking down like DOOM because there had been complaints, and now no one on my team gets to have fun quotes.

From:

calriddia.livejournal.com

That was a company thing. Everyone had to change there note.

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Alas! (Even though everybody else still has 'em, my team is new enough to obey the supervisor.)

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turningallblue.livejournal.com

I am not allowed to tell the customer that the Internet is full and to call back tomorrow because I want to get home on time to play Warcraft.

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shirenomad

I am not to act as if I have full access to their hard drive from here.

No, not even if the user entered the call already believing this.

And I am definitely not allowed to comment, "wow, does your wife know you have this much porn downloaded?"

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Even if customers have creative language, I will not convince them their product comes with free biometric anti-theft security. All they have to do is fingerprint ID their product by pressing their finger really hard on the shiny gold part on the inside.

From:

kayfox.livejournal.com

Kinda random one I have:

Kay is...
Not allowed to call "Steve, this is Steve, I need to talk to Steve." on the radio, there is no Steve.
... not allowed to answer if someone else does this.
... especially not at 3am.
... not even if it really is Steve.
Not allowed to run around surreptiously changing the channel on staff radios.
... Especially to another channel thats in use.
Not allowed to suggest to radio user to key the radio while placing their thumb on the contacts on the side.
... even if they should know better.
... not even if they have a radio licence.
... still not allowed if they should know better because they still have a burn from the last time they did that.
... especially not allowed if they are hotel staff.
... even if they are the manager that everyone wants dead.
Not allowed to use the radio while drunk.
... even if I own the radio.
... not even if I own the radio and are on my own channel.
... especially not if your using amateur radio frequencies.
Not allowed to talk to VE7KFM.
... or about VE7KFM.
... even when drunk.
... especially not if you use someone else's callsign.
... not even if you identify as VE7KFM as well.
Not allowed to use amplifier with handheld Yagi (high gain) antenna.
... even on Kae (someone who is paranoid about RF radiation)
... not even aimed away from the hotel.
... especially not aimed at SJC.
... not ever, under any condition, absolutely not.
... ok, except at Rush Limbaugh, irradiating him is ok.
Not allowed to cancel registration/location of phone customer is calling on.
... Even if customer swears their not on it.
Not allowed to print out badges with historical figure's names on them.
... or fake names.
... nor other people's names.
Not allowed to cuss into a dropped call.
... or dead air.
... not even if the call dropped 10 seconds from resolution.
... especially not if the supervisor is listening.
... double plus ungood if management is listening.
Not allowed to smile evily while tearing down GameBoy units.
... even if its fun.
... especially not when management is giving a tour.
Not allowed to race other employees at the same position (as in, trying to see who can do the job faster).
... even if you are behind and need to.

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