Definition of 'is' (head/desk moment)

[gilmoure.livejournal.com]

Customer: OMGWTBBQ!!! Network's down, dogs and cats living together, etc. (can't get email)

Hell Desk Prole: Are there any error messages showing?

Customer: No! No error messages. Just a window saying Network Cable Unplugged.

Hell Desk Prole (que Monty Python voice): That's what we in the industry call an Error Message. I will now have to shoot you. (bang) What a senseless waste of human life.

Comments

[knirirr.livejournal.com]

Aaargh!
I had a similar one recently:

User: I can't ssh into $server.
Me: What happens when you try?
User: Nothing.
Me: That's odd, as the firewall looks ok. Are you sure there's nothing happening?
User: Yes, still nothing. Oh, and a message saying "name or service not known".

[gilmoure.livejournal.com]

Just had another call; ...network down.

Any error messages?

No, just a window saying Domain server not found.

Almost makes me wish for the days of Printer says Load Letter. OMGWTFBBQ!!!

[adamjaskie.livejournal.com]

Yeah, my parents were complaining that the "printer isn't working" (I'm home for the summer, so I get to deal with this crap in exchange for free room and board). I go look at it, and the orange OUT OF PAPER light is on, which I can see from across the room. Of course, this is AFTER asking them "Does it have paper?" and "Are there any lights on other than the green light at the top?"

I guess maybe it wasn't a good idea to set them up with an old HP Laserjet where the paper is hidden in a drawer. It apparently takes long enough to go through a drawer of paper that they forget it needs to be refilled now and then if they can't see a stack of paper slowly getting smaller.

[slayne-souls.livejournal.com]

nice use of monty python.

[ptstech.livejournal.com]

Yes, definite +100 for the MP reference.

[wibbble]

I frequently get people telling me that there's 'nothing on the screen'. So I say "Nothing at all?" and when they say 'yes' I say: 'If your screen is blank then your handset's either off or it's faulty. If it's not turned off, you should take it to a service centre for repair.'

At which point they go 'oh, no, it has X and Y and Z on it...'

[the-s-guy.livejournal.com]

I've used "What color of nothing?" before with some success...

[nomoremystery.livejournal.com]

When I was on the helpdesk I'd frequently get anguished calls that email (for example) was down. First question - "is everyone else having the same problem?", at which point they'd call across the room to one of their colleagues who, naturally, would be flinging emails left right and centre with no problems.
Doesn't it make sense to ask your colleagues before calling? Oh hang on, sense... users... OK, never mind.