Viruses are not my problem... nor is spyware

[afreak2600.livejournal.com]

One of the joys of working for an ISP is that I get frequent calls about problems that have no real deal with us. Here are a few situations that I loathe:

User: My computer keeps wanting to shut down. It says something has closed and the computer must turn off.
Me: That indicates that you might be infected with a worm.
User: What is a worm?
Me: Basically, it's a virus that spreads itself around via the Internet.
User: How can that be? I have $ANTIVIRUSPROGRAMME installed.
Me: It may have gotten around the programme.

At this point, I may get this appended to the conversation.

User: Don't you guys filter for this sort of thing?
Me: We provide minimal filtering for this sort of thing. Blocking the worms outright is not possible or legal.
User: You guys should fix my problem!
Me: We're not responsible for the software on your computer.

Usually somewhere in the conversation I learn that the subscriber has not updated their anti-virus software since Mountain Dew Code Red was still on the shelves. Sometimes you can explain to them that anti-virus software need frequent updates, but you still cannot get through to all of them.

Or even better, when they get spyware!

User: Somehow I keep getting asked to buy $SHITTYPROGRAMME every time I start up my computer and in Internet Explorer, it takes me to $RANDOMSEARCHPAGE that attempts to sell me stuff when I browse.
Me: Sounds like you got spyware.
User: I keep my $USELESSANTIVIRUSPROGRAMME up to date.
Me: You need anti-spyware software.

It's even better when they get all upset over the fact that I will not dispatch to have their problem fixed.

Comments

[keithdok.livejournal.com]

Completely unrelated, but I work at 7-11 and still stock Mountain Dew Code Red every single day?

[afreak2600.livejournal.com]

It's not available in Canada any longer. It may still be available as premix, but I haven't seen any of the stuff here.

[ptomblin-lj.livejournal.com]

Just tell them to go to securitytango.com, follow all the instructions there and do them every week. And that they should spend that time that they're doing all that crap regretting that their time was valueless to them, so they decided that buying a Macintosh was too expensive.

[photosinensis.livejournal.com]

Linux: the cheap man's answer to "Get a Mac."

Full disclosure: I run Ubuntu 7.04 on a first generation MacBook.

[kyidyl.livejournal.com]

That's what I think every time I see the poor windows users on the WoW community post another "I got scammed and now I have no purplez", and the subsiquent list of crap they can do to attempt to avoid spy/virus/etc. I look down at my macbook pro and say to myself "I love you computer".

[kitschicat.livejournal.com]

Heh, does your ISP have a customer agreement that includes any kind of stipulation that if the customer does not properly maintain the security on their system so that they end up with a spam zombie, etc, the ISP has the right to discontinue service due to the security threat the PC poses? I wonder if you can hit them up with a response to the effect of "I'm sorry but we are going to have to suspend your service to prevent further security issues being caused by your PC on our network and incurring liability on your end due to a neglect of proper maintenance on your part."

Would be sweet if they could come up with something along those lines.

[afreak2600.livejournal.com]

We have a policy where if the subscriber cannot be contacted and is posing a threat to other machines on our networks, we'll lock their modem down so they'll contact us. On the third time, we will not unlock their account until we have proof that they have had their machine serviced.

[canray.livejournal.com]

"But I paid lots of money for my $USELESSANTIVIRUSPROGRAMME!!!"

"Ya, so? More expensive doesn't mean better. I personally use $USEFULANTIVIRUSPROGRAM, and it's free."

"OMGWTFBBQ!!! THEY RIPPED ME OFF!"

"I'll let you be the judge of that yourself as I cannot comment on any company while currently employed by $CRAPPYHUGEISP."

That was actually put into my contract, unforetunetly, which prevented me from warning people directly.

I strongly hinted, however.

[bynkii.livejournal.com]

User: My computer keeps wanting to shut down. It says something has closed and the computer must turn off.

"Yes sir, that's normal behavior"

"See, it's like this...computers have what we in the business call a "Dumbass Detector". When the DD reaches a critical level of Dumbass, it attempts to save itself from said Dumbass by shutting down as quickly as possible. That is what your computer is doing."

"Yes sir, it would in fact be correct to view this as your computer is committing suicide because you're stupider than a leaky balloon animal"

"You too sir, and have a nice day"

[kyidyl.livejournal.com]

Usually somewhere in the conversation I learn that the subscriber has not updated their anti-virus software since Mountain Dew Code Red was still on the shelves

*looks over at the 12 of code red on the counter she bought a few days ago*

Poor Canadians. =*(

[nykeyoung.livejournal.com]

Yeah, no Code Red. That's horrible. Code Red is made from freshly-squeezed Win.

[matgb]

What's Mountain Dew anyway? Don't think we have it over here at all.

[goose-entity.livejournal.com]

are you familiar with Irn Bru?

It's like that. Only with High Fructose Corn Syrup instead of sugar. And more chemicals.

... tastes awesome, though!

[matgb]

Irn Bru, with

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Irn Bru, with <i<more</i> chemical crap? OK, not a drink for me then. Well, ok, not a drink I'll buy regularly anyway...

[azzy23.livejournal.com]

Ooooooh... sounds like Vundo. He's skragged.

[moopet.livejournal.com]

We get this a lot (I currently work for a retail/repair shop) where the conversation proceeds:

Cust: But it's only three weeks old!
Me: Your point?
Cust: How can this happen?
Me: You download a lot of porn, right?
Cust: Never!
Me: And you "shop" for new applications via limewire?
Cust: But it's under warranty!
Me: Warranty doesn't cover that.
Cust: That's ridiculous, I paid for this, the warranty runs for a year!
Me: If you buy a car and it breaks down, it's under warranty. If you drive it into a tree because you're so fucking inept you never learnt to drive straight in the first place, would you expect your dealer to replace it free?