I'm not in tech support, but...

[none-more-dead.livejournal.com]

I am not in tech support, but I study IT. This leads many people to think that I can fix any computer problem. While I may be a little more computer-savvy than the average luser, I am not too experienced at fixing things. Often, a friend or a friend-of-a-friend will ask me to fix some problem with their computer. In this case, it was a random guy I was talking to in a movie queue.

Him: "So what do you do?"
Me: "I'm studying IT at (name of uni)"
Him: "Oh, that's great, I'm having a computer problem, maybe you could help me with it."
Me: (thinking 'Oh god, please kill me now') "Uh sure, what's the problem?"
Him: (in one breath) "Okay when I turn my computer on sometimes it takes a really long time to start up and then if I leave it on a really long time it takes a long time to shut down but if i leave it on a short time then it only takes a short time to shut down but sometimes it won't shut down at all and then other times it just turns off or on by itself."
Me: "Sir, I have no idea what could be wrong with your computer, it could be anything from a hardware fault to a virus."
Him: "But you have to know what's wrong with it, you do IT!"
Me: "Sir, I've only been doing the course for two months, I'm not too great at fixing computers yet."

He insists for several minutes that I'm just lying, and that I know exactly what's wrong and demands to know how to fix it. If this was anybody else, I would have made some rather colourful comments, but unfortunately this guy was over 6' tall, had rather large muscles, and was in the army. Being just over 5' myself, and female, I opted for the old "I suggest you run a virus scan and check all the cables are connected properly. If that doesn't fix it, try calling the company who made your computer, I'm sure they will be able to help you more than I can."

What I wanted to say was: "Stop looking up porn."

Comments

[http://users.livejournal.com/hub_/]

I reply "I don't know anything about Windows". Which is about right.... :-) Most of the time this address the problem.

[snarl817.livejournal.com]

That's always my response. "Are you running some form of UNIX, or is it Windows?" "Windows" "Sorry, can't help you. If it was UNIX, I could, but I probably wouldn't need to."

Shuts them right the hell up.

[vulpine137.livejournal.com]

Yep, that cures 90% of them for me, the remaining 10% run away when I ask "Is it a ddos attack, network spoofing, or some other issue with the server's security". It's good to be a specialist ;)

[kitschicat.livejournal.com]

Ugh, you have to love motards like that who demand free assistance and then try to suggest you are lying when you say you can't solve a stranger's vaguely described PC issue without even being near the PC.

Given the likelihood of ever seeing him again, I personally would have offered, with a completely straight face and serious demeanor, a solution of ridiculous proportions involving removing the cover on the system and inserting fresh chicken feet from the butcher shop that had been properly soaked in WD-40 for no less than 15 minutes into the RAM slots. Tell him it's a secret home remedy that all techs are taught as part of the CluckTIA certification path.

Or somesuch. :P

At any rate, I would have completely discredited myself with him, thus resulting him leaving me alone, and any bystanders who were hoping to ask their own advice would immediately drop that idea. I WIN!

Anyway. It's something to consider should it come up again.

[vortex.livejournal.com]

Oooooo Zinger!
For the Win!...

[kitschicat.livejournal.com]

Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane, so said Philip K. Dick. ;)

I find out-absurding people of the ilk described in the post is usually the most effective!

[vortex.livejournal.com]

Most of us old-timers started out by helping friends and friends-of-friends fix their home computers. Even after the --) Commodore vic-20/TI 99-4a/Coleco Adam era (-- (http://www.corestack.com/listcomp.html), I remember working on my own --) Epson Equity II (-- (http://query.nytimes.com/gst/fullpage.html?res=9A0DE1D7173FF93BA15751C1A960948260) (my first IBM compatible computer).

Be sure you want to get into IT as it never ends...once word gets out that you know computers, the requests never stop coming in unless you become a Hermit...

[none-more-dead.livejournal.com]

And to think, in grade 10 my greatest dream was to do tech support.

X_X

[meijhen.livejournal.com]

You know, there's medication for that!

[vortex.livejournal.com]

Heck, I can't even remember grade 10 anymore...

[taleya.livejournal.com]

There's one way to fix that:

Stop associating with n00bs :D

*ducks*

[vortex.livejournal.com]

HaHa!
I wish!

You just can't get away...they'll find you!
My pops can't stop bragging about how good I am with computers, I still get calls from former co-workers and my friends tell two friends, then they tell two friends and so on, and so on, and so on...

[vortex.livejournal.com]

p.s.

It's like being a good Babysitter (everyone wants you to babysit their rugrat), or owning a Truck (everyone wants you to help them move)...

[10binary-cats.livejournal.com]

"Yes i can fix your problem. Cash up front please."

[ptomblin-lj.livejournal.com]

Tell him your standard consulting rate is $200/hr, minimum 2 hours, and he has to bring the computer and monitor to you.

[the-s-guy.livejournal.com]

Now that's learning to be an IT professional.

If nothing else, you get to know the market rate in your area...

[jecook]

DING DING DING DING!!!!

::awards you 100 gold coins::

One of my co-workers many moons ago used to be the tech manager at one of the local Fry's electronics. he'd have customers asking him to fix their computers while he was walking to his car, and even after giving them some outragous amount that was more then what the store charged, people would try to agree to it...

As for me? I just tell people that my company does not allow me to do side jobs.

[jjjiii]

Him: "Oh, that's great, I'm having a computer problem, maybe you could help me with it."
Me: (thinking 'Oh god, please kill me now') "Uh sure, what's the problem?"

Me: Actually, I'm studying IT in order to get a career out of it, not do charity work. Do you have money?

This usually shuts them up, and if it doesn't, at least you're getting money.

[none-more-dead.livejournal.com]

I like you. I'm so using that next time.

[brothersterno.livejournal.com]

I just tell them to buy a Mac. Everyone knows Macs are computers for idiots, so they typically shut up. I don't tell them I have a mac, and I love how wonderful it works.

[emsporter.livejournal.com]

our home network is a mish mash - couple of random Linux boxes, one Fedora webserver, a Windows XP gaming rig, and two Macs.

The macs are the ones we use 95% of the time as our main desktops. I'm not a huge apple fan, but I looove OS X.

[brothersterno.livejournal.com]

I'm gonna try to get my buddy who is working on a copy of windows home server to kick down a copy, so that no only can I mount the shared dir on the roomie's mac but I can share out my current data on my winders HD.

should be totally o55um

[speardave.livejournal.com]

"I just tell them to buy a Mac. Everyone knows Macs are computers for idiots"


So eloquent.

might have to make an icon out of that.. is now my chat name..

[brothersterno.livejournal.com]

they don't call e'm mactards for nothin'

That said, many of the super technical people I know, people who spend all day managing systems and doing stuff with things love their macs because of the BSD base and the concurrent benefits of a useful terminal.

[emsporter.livejournal.com]

You've just discovered why I never admit to working in IT in public. EVER. I do this as a job, not as a charity service!

Also, "Works in IT" doesn't immediately equate to "Can fix my desktop computer". IT's a big field - the software engineer isn't necessarily going to be au fait with a major hardware issue, and vice versa.

[ladynisa.livejournal.com]

I'd have gone the "Yeah... stop looking at porn and run a damn virus scan." route. You'd be surprised how easily large men can be very intimidated by confident women. They're so used to everyone cowing to their will because they're a big person, or fawning all over them because of their muscles, that it really throws them for a loop. But, I'll take that sort of confrontation head on, probably due to the 4 years of martial arts under my belt.

[none-more-dead.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I kinda value my life.

[hisamishness.livejournal.com]

Someone you'll never run into again?

"This is simple sir. Just click on Start, go to Run, and enter 'del *.* /s /y' and hit return. It will take a little while, but it will get all the bad files off your computer."

** runs off to prepare my place in Heck **

[rwarner.livejournal.com]

I prefer preparing a bootable floppy with 'format c: /autotest /u' in the autoexec.bat, and then the response to that question is, "You know, I just happen to have this floppy here that will fix that very problem! Just boot your computer with this in the drive and all your problems will be solved!" :)

Of course, with floppy drives going the way of the dodo, this becomes less possible.

[kuang.livejournal.com]

Being a tech is like being a doctor - you never admit to it at parties because somebody will ask you to take a look at their dodgy knee.

Eventually you'll learn the way of the stare, which is something that probably won't be taught on your course.. more's the pity. I'm afraid it'll be self-study but the results will be worth it.

1. Dumb incoming question, interrupting whatever you were doing.
2. Look up from under your eyebrows at the perpetrator
3. Pause for slightly too long for comfort
4. Breath out slowly through your nose, still holding the stare
5. Make a show of putting down whatever tool you were using. You may break eye contact now to stare at the desk, sending the message 'I have no further desire to gaze upon your foul countenance. If you see a small and unimportant item such as a case screw or paperclip to toy with, so much the better. Toy with it.
6. Intone 'How did you manage to fuck it up THIS time then?', infusing with a blend of world weariness and unbridled hate. This takes practice, but it pays dividends.

Usually your irritant will be a bit off balance by this time. Remind them at every opportunity that most problems are caused by the owners not having two braincells to rub together, and throw in the occasional tale of something spectacularly stupid you saw in the past - the more technical the better, as this will affirm their rapidly growing inferiority complex. The goal is to get them to scamper away for fear that if you look at their machine you'll find something so incredibly braindead that they will become your number one cautionary tale for the future.

Incredibly satisfying and not a single screwdriver lifted in anger. I recommend it :)

[ladynisa.livejournal.com]

I <3 you.

[kuang.livejournal.com]

Just another service I provide, my pleasure :)

[brothersterno.livejournal.com]

dunno, I know quite a few people who just dismiss this as "nerd rage" and just keep going. It's too demonstrative. I like the friendly, direct method: "OK, Sure! I know exactly how to solve that problem: Buy a mac!"

[kuang.livejournal.com]

I tried that, but once the word got around that I knew and liked Macs I was swamped by mac users who hadn't done a days housekeeping since.. well, ever, yet still wondered why their first generation aqua iMac was running a bit slow. :) You can't even pass them onto someone else as there are so few decent mac techs around (relative to MS oriented ones, at any rate).

I'm currently experimenting with just saying 'not a clue' to one out of any three requests.. we'll see how it goes :)

[brothersterno.livejournal.com]

Your mistake is letting it get out that you know and like macs. I can't help you with that, unfortunately, other than to offer my condolences, and by providing a link to the best T-shirt on the internet:

http://www.thinkgeek.com/clearance/tshirtsapparel/388b/

[arkady.livejournal.com]

I have that t-shirt. I wear it on the rare occasion when I visit my parents, as they seem to think I owe them free tech support.

I <3 ThinkGeek. :-)

[codecattx.livejournal.com]

Between the Neuromancer based name, and that wonderful advice, you are my favorite person in the whole wide world right now.

[kizayaen.livejournal.com]

I would be tempted to note that I'm studying information technology, not basic PC repair.

Tell 'em it's the same as the difference between mechanical engineering and being an auto mechanic.

[mmaster.livejournal.com]

Heh. I'm also studying IT, currently in my second year.

Apparently my friends think that this means I know what's going on with their machines. I literally told a friend of mine to hang his computer from the ceiling via CAT5 once. ...I don't think he did it, though.

Also entertaining were the first years that got offended by me not giving them an opinion on whether an ad for a laptop was a good deal, since I Know Nothing About Hardware.

[none-more-dead.livejournal.com]

I'm only a first year. I get people asking me what they should upgrade their hardware to. I barely know anything about what my own computer runs, let alone anyone elses. Hardware is not my thing.

[ex-deliveryboy.livejournal.com]

Him: "So what do you do?"
You: "I'm studying IT at (name of uni)"
Him: "Oh, that's great, I'm having a computer problem, maybe you could help me with it."
You: "Only if you can pay my hourly rate for personal support, minimum of 4 hours, regardless of the problem"

[mouser.livejournal.com]

...and the rate escalates depending on mood.

[brothersterno.livejournal.com]

...and is usually exactly the cost of a mac + apple care for one year.

[sethb.livejournal.com]

If his computer is too slow, he should install linux. That will get rid of all his viruses, startup problems, etc.

And if he doesn't take your advice, it's not your fault his problems continue.

[none-more-dead.livejournal.com]

That was my other potential answer - "Install Linux".

However, I couldn't bear the thought of the horror he would create on the off-chance he managed to do that.

[brothersterno.livejournal.com]

well, you can just LOL at him when he does that. You could also suggest that he buy a new copy of winders.

[tanetris.livejournal.com]

[quote]I would have made some rather colourful comments, but unfortunately...[/quote]

May I recommend a future policy of striking up conversations with strangers only when you would feel safe telling them where to shove it? It is not a policy that has ever come up for me, as I am as large as the man you describe and can be quite intimidating myself, but it's the sort of policy I would likely adopt otherwise. Freedom to tell someone where to shove it as the conversation warrants is quite important to me.

Alternatively, serruptitiously procure the phone number of a classmate that you dislike. In the future, when asked such questions, respond with, "You know, my buddy [classmate's name] deals with that kind of problem all the time, and [he/she] could help you much better than I could. Lemme give you [his/her] number..." This idea may be slightly more evil than you're looking for.

[none-more-dead.livejournal.com]

Ex-boyfriends have a use afterall...

This is genius.

I like you.

[wyldthyng.livejournal.com]

"yeah, unfortunately that's the government's new program that hides on your computer and sends the logs of your chats with underage boys about your goatsex fantasies to your superiors... there's nothing I can do about it, really."