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Feb. 21st, 2006 04:27 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
the-paco.livejournal.com posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
techrecoveryThe PAco,
Workin' the OH-tee.
Cause he needs the MO-ney.
Or he can't afford to Liiiive.
Sucks.
So basically my job at 4pm turns into "Tech Hunt", where everyone who was supposed to get a field tech come out and didn't calls in. I get to consult charts, look at stars, make calls, and basically clean up after a huge business grinding along over it's customer base. As with any mega business, the cracks in the system are many, and more than a few are wide. People fall through. While this caller base is about %10 of the %15 who actually call tech support, that's still a bunch of people, in a row, who've been gangbanged by the fates.
Unfortunately for the customers, they've been fed so much propaganda bullshit that they actually begin to BELIEVE that they are truly valued and loved customers, known on a first name basis by all, and given star treatment. Couple this with the typical American mentalities of "the squeeky wheel gets the grease" and "I'm the customer! I'm ENTITLED to what I want!", and you get calls that are the entire REASON I pushed so hard to get off of post-4pm call schedules. While I agree that the customer shouldn't get pounded like an inflatable toy on Survivor Island, I don't agree with their idea in the SLIGHTEST that taking it out on me or arguing continuously with me while I'm trying my best to Buzz Lightyear myself for them (To Infinty and Beyond!) is a good idea.
I really wish they'd just let me use one phrase, just one.
"Sir/Ma'am, I'm working hard to get you fixed and I have or will shortly have the answer. To assist you as quickly as possible I need you to please SHUT UP, and I will tell you how best to help me help you."
"NO, I don't need to know what you think is going on. You'll take 10-15 minutes, your voice is screechy, and you know only half the story."
"NO, I don't care that you NEED the internet. The facts are facts, we're working as fast as we can get this written-by-the-lowest-bidder(s)-bullshit-system to get your high speed internet down these laid-out-by-the-lowest-bidders-bullshit-lines for a price that YOU bitch about yet do nothing about, and WE are told is the reason we don't get bonuses but our vice president gets a golden umbrella. So YOU NEED the internet, I NEED some kind of depressant and a new job (18 months here, still need more 'stable work history), and our VP NEEDS hellacious flood damage to his overpriced 4-wheeled penile-implant luxury sports car. What you SHOULD do rather than bugging me when you have OMFG20MINUTESZESZ!!!(!!*@!!!111!!!~ to get your report/game/school/book/porn fix is go to a friends house or Kinkos or Starbucks, get online with your bitchy self, and do your thing. Seeing as this internet connection is provided for ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY, the only things you NEED it for are JACK and SHIT."
"NO, I don't want you to call me by my first name. I call you Mrs. or Mr. Last Name when I bother to call you anything but Sir or Ma'am. That's why I tell you my name is Paco, because you are not my friend, you're not my buddy, I'm not 'building a relationship with you, the customer', and we're not going out for drinks later. Concern yourself with the problem at hand, not the flowery bullshit you'd like me to surround it with."
"NO, I'm not going to go any more out of my way for you when I find the solution. I'm not paid to fix your piece of trash Dell SpyMag 5000. I'm not touching that thing without a body condom on and a variable field electromagnet in hand. You pay me $50/hr minimum, and I'll come fix your machine."
Now all I have to do is convince the other techs to A) grow spines, B) grow brains, C) use them in conjunction, and D) keep them on but their mouths OFF when they call in to me because E) I have more of both, or I can fake it a hell of a lot better."
Workin' the OH-tee.
Cause he needs the MO-ney.
Or he can't afford to Liiiive.
Sucks.
So basically my job at 4pm turns into "Tech Hunt", where everyone who was supposed to get a field tech come out and didn't calls in. I get to consult charts, look at stars, make calls, and basically clean up after a huge business grinding along over it's customer base. As with any mega business, the cracks in the system are many, and more than a few are wide. People fall through. While this caller base is about %10 of the %15 who actually call tech support, that's still a bunch of people, in a row, who've been gangbanged by the fates.
Unfortunately for the customers, they've been fed so much propaganda bullshit that they actually begin to BELIEVE that they are truly valued and loved customers, known on a first name basis by all, and given star treatment. Couple this with the typical American mentalities of "the squeeky wheel gets the grease" and "I'm the customer! I'm ENTITLED to what I want!", and you get calls that are the entire REASON I pushed so hard to get off of post-4pm call schedules. While I agree that the customer shouldn't get pounded like an inflatable toy on Survivor Island, I don't agree with their idea in the SLIGHTEST that taking it out on me or arguing continuously with me while I'm trying my best to Buzz Lightyear myself for them (To Infinty and Beyond!) is a good idea.
I really wish they'd just let me use one phrase, just one.
"Sir/Ma'am, I'm working hard to get you fixed and I have or will shortly have the answer. To assist you as quickly as possible I need you to please SHUT UP, and I will tell you how best to help me help you."
"NO, I don't need to know what you think is going on. You'll take 10-15 minutes, your voice is screechy, and you know only half the story."
"NO, I don't care that you NEED the internet. The facts are facts, we're working as fast as we can get this written-by-the-lowest-bidder(s)-bullshit-system to get your high speed internet down these laid-out-by-the-lowest-bidders-bullshit-lines for a price that YOU bitch about yet do nothing about, and WE are told is the reason we don't get bonuses but our vice president gets a golden umbrella. So YOU NEED the internet, I NEED some kind of depressant and a new job (18 months here, still need more 'stable work history), and our VP NEEDS hellacious flood damage to his overpriced 4-wheeled penile-implant luxury sports car. What you SHOULD do rather than bugging me when you have OMFG20MINUTESZESZ!!!(!!*@!!!111!!!~ to get your report/game/school/book/porn fix is go to a friends house or Kinkos or Starbucks, get online with your bitchy self, and do your thing. Seeing as this internet connection is provided for ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY, the only things you NEED it for are JACK and SHIT."
"NO, I don't want you to call me by my first name. I call you Mrs. or Mr. Last Name when I bother to call you anything but Sir or Ma'am. That's why I tell you my name is Paco, because you are not my friend, you're not my buddy, I'm not 'building a relationship with you, the customer', and we're not going out for drinks later. Concern yourself with the problem at hand, not the flowery bullshit you'd like me to surround it with."
"NO, I'm not going to go any more out of my way for you when I find the solution. I'm not paid to fix your piece of trash Dell SpyMag 5000. I'm not touching that thing without a body condom on and a variable field electromagnet in hand. You pay me $50/hr minimum, and I'll come fix your machine."
Now all I have to do is convince the other techs to A) grow spines, B) grow brains, C) use them in conjunction, and D) keep them on but their mouths OFF when they call in to me because E) I have more of both, or I can fake it a hell of a lot better."
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no subject
Date: 2006-02-22 12:25 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-02-22 03:42 am (UTC)You are a bit underpriced there. For dealing with asshats, I usually charge no less then $75/hourly. :)
no subject
Date: 2006-02-22 03:58 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-02-22 05:10 am (UTC)