You knobjockeys.

[the-s-guy.livejournal.com]

A project team is given a whopping chunk of money to throw together a helpdesk to support a small government department. Maybe half a dozen techs in all, supporting the entire shebang from networks to servers to OSes to applications to middleware to email to hardware replacements.

Being a government department, the 'selection criteria' applicants have to match their applications to takes up most of a page, and runs to five separate subsections. Each criterion is apparently critical to the job, and must be addressed.

Except... none of them have anything to do with technical work.

Yes, you read that right. A retarded banana could apply for these jobs, as long as they had 'team-building skills', 'communication affinity', and a whole passel of other buzzword-bingo soft-skills. Nowhere does it ask if the applicant has ever actually seen a computer in their life, much less be able to pick one out of a lineup.

Wow, it's as if the phrase "doomed from the start" took physical form.

Comments

[redqueenmeg.livejournal.com]

If it's any consolation, most of the job requisitions around here list team building and other buzzwords, but they don't care if you have them (I do), only if you have hands-on server admin experience (I can't get that, I work at the f***ing helpdesk).

so maybe you'll luck out and it'll be like that!

[bamatone.livejournal.com]

Retarded banana, ha.

[akage.livejournal.com]

Doncha love HR? You could put on there that you built your own goddamn Beowulf cluster in your spare bedroom, but if you don't have the phrases "demonstrated leadership capabilities" or "strong interpersonal skills" on your resume, you're probably going into the trash bin. Because the initial culling of resumes is done by people with absolutely no technical background and wouldn't know what a Beowulf is.

Paper-pushers and bureaucrats run the world, which explains a lot about the state of it.

[annamaryse.livejournal.com]

Don't get me started. I see too many instances where they hire the retarded bananas as a matter of course, and reject the likes of potentially better candidates out of the starting gate. And they are doomed and they don't get it.

Ever.

[linguafranca.livejournal.com]

"Knobjockey" is my new favorite word.

[major-error.livejournal.com]

It's fairly interchangeable with wanker and plonker, too ;)

[shirenomad]

This entire thing needs to go on metaquotes. May I?

Corroboration...

[megpie71.livejournal.com]

I work in the same department. I have seen these selection criteria.

We have a potplant which sits very close to where I do. A spathiphylum. I am strongly tempted to put in an application for Ms Lily S Peace, and see whether she gets as far as the interview stage. So far, about the only possible objection I could find is that she wouldn't have an AGS number (Australian Government Services - the ID number which identifies you as a public servant).

[the-s-guy.livejournal.com]

Sure, why not :)

Re: Corroboration...

[the-s-guy.livejournal.com]

Fortunately, you only need to be an Australian resident, and the plant was germinated here.

surfed over from metaquotes

[strix-an-stones.livejournal.com]

Helpdesk... small government... why do I see that as a simple recipe for disaster? Oh wait, my experiences with both in the past month.

Actually considering the choas both are reknown for, the selection criteria for workers makes perfect sense. My condolences.

[jeff-morris.livejournal.com]

My brother, who works at a midwestern ISP in tech support, has a lovely word for some...oh hell, all of his callers:

"Fucknuggets"

Rolls off the tongue so easily, trust me...

JSM

Re: Corroboration...

[lintilla.livejournal.com]

Also helpful to know you're Australian for the translation of "pot plant," which means a verrrrrry different thing in the US. XD

Re: Corroboration...

[the-s-guy.livejournal.com]

The equivalent term is "potted plant", I seem to recall.

Re: Corroboration...

[lintilla.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I know. I live here now. :) The first time I heard it was at a childcare centre, so that made me laugh my ass off.

[mcity.livejournal.com]

There's still hope, I think. A director of marketing was quoted in an article I recently read about how someone applied for a position with, among other things, "Do U want 2 hire me?" The DoM basically went "WTF?!?"

Personally, they're overqualified.

[duality.livejournal.com]

since our company was bought by our largest competitor, we don't get permanent employees, instead everyone's contract. because of this, and their inability to actually run tests on them like they did when -we- were hired, i have to work with absolute morons.

case in point: one coworker actually put a user on hold to ask me what a "tower" was. another didn't know what ping was.

i'm in hell.