A small request

[wolffsekunde.livejournal.com]

Working as a webhosting Bob I have to make this request[1] to our customers[2]:

be more vague

Yes, when you call me and don't bother identifying what domain[3] we host for you, or even who you are, and then proceed to tell me "nothing's working" and that I should "fix it," I feel you are overinforming me and causing confusion. I beg you, please tell me less. I'd ask you to forego formalities but seeing as you don't bother to say "hello" or "how are you" before launching into your problem[4] I don't see the point. Perhaps leave the vowels out of your sentences, maybe that will help me solve your problem faster.

And please - pretty please even - show absolutely no gratitude when I manage to decipher your primitive grunts and squeals into a solvable problem, and then fix it. Hanging up on me, transforming your own incompetence into our issue[5] or a combination of those two is perfectly acceptable and I would hope for nothing more. I am a Bob[6] so my sole purpose in this life is to be your punching bag, psychologist and general whipping boy whenever your masterpiece[7] of a website isn't accessible for more than 3 minutes. I wake up every morning and hope you call me with your important problems, that I might solve them and make my life worth living one day longer.

So my request - nay, my plea - continue abusing me. I'm a second class citizen unworthy of the most basic of courtesies and I'd like to keep it like that. My day ends at 5pm and with it, all meaning. You, my dearest of customers, are flawless and wonderful - shining gems in this barren wasteland I call my existence. Hearing your smooth[8] and calm[9] voice is the only thing that gets me out of bed. So be harsher. Be crueler. Be more inconsiderate but above all, be more vague.

Sincerely,

Your Bob.


[1] I know I'm just a Bob, but my request is unfortunately not optional.
[2] Scum sucking retards that they are.
[3] 9 times out of 10 it's related to BBWs sitting on animals.
[4] Not our problem.
[5] Somehow.
[6] Unfortunately.
[7] Piece of shit, that is.
[8] Smooth like nails on a chalkboard.
[9] Calm like a cat being strangled while scratching a chalkboard.

Comments

[jecook]

::claps enthusiastically::

I have this one site who finally got the hints after I baleted the two voice mails that they left asking for help. (Note: my voicemail greeting states rather clearly "if you are having a problem, Please fill out a work order and submit it via the instructions printed on it.")

and in this request, they said that the machine was "recently fixed". the last request I have in my database is from March of 2005... ::rolls eyes::

[thecolorblue.livejournal.com]

*chortle*

...until i realize it's so true.

how sad.

[the-s-guy.livejournal.com]

"Oh, yeah, there's this, thing, computer, um... we can't... um... what was it? Printer? Janice, what was that thing? Yeah, see Jim about the carpet. No, no. Russell. What? Yeah. So, can we have that, um... fixed? Because the thing comes up, on the screen."