![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
fragbert.livejournal.com posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
techrecoveryFrom: CEO
To: All employees who use computers
Re: Instructions when calling the Technical Support Department:
1. If you are working in an application and an error occurs, DO NOT write it down. Also, DO NOT stop working and call Tech Support. Keep working and call them later in the day -- AFTER you've had a good nap and possibly some psychedelic drugs. We pay them a whopping $1 per hour above minimum wage to be mind-readers. They will be able to determine the issue with no information from you other than "my computer thingy broke." Be as ambiguous and obtuse as your Master's Degree allows. The only response to ANY of their queries should be an exasperated huffing and puffing. If possible, be eating 3-week-old Captain Crunch right from the box.
2. If you encounter an error with a piece of hardware, DO NOT be within 25 miles of it when you call tech support. Also, under no circumstances should you provide Tech Support with a physical description of said hardware.
3. If Technical Support tells you that you need to be connected to the company network for troubleshooting purposes, it is IMPERATIVE that you be in the bathroom, in a nightclub or on vacation -- preferably in Outer Mongolia.
4. If you are on medical/maternity leave, on vacation or have been fired - DO NOT tell Technical Support this. It's none of their business.
4a. If you have been on medical/maternity leave for the last 3 months and are not due back for another month, by all means, try to do an expense report for last week. Don't worry, if you are temporarily suspended in the system, Technical Support is a much higher power than HR and has the ability to override their suspension. Technical Support also keeps a ready supply of cash to pay out to you just because you work hard, even when you are on leave!
5. If you forget how to do the job we hired you to do, you must IMMEDIATELY call Technical Support, even if it does not involve using a computer. They have been trained to do the job of everyone in the corporation, including determining business procedures, making policy, all the way down to mopping the bathroom floors.
WARNING: Tech support will tell you that it will be impossible to fix your issue(s), most likely using one of the reasons stated above. THIS IS AGAINST COMPANY POLICY. You MUST remind them that, despite being entrusted with the care and feeding of thousands of expensive pieces of electronic equipment AND knowing how to do my job, your job, and everyone else's jobs, they are stupid, useless losers and a waste of everyone's time.
To: All employees who use computers
Re: Instructions when calling the Technical Support Department:
1. If you are working in an application and an error occurs, DO NOT write it down. Also, DO NOT stop working and call Tech Support. Keep working and call them later in the day -- AFTER you've had a good nap and possibly some psychedelic drugs. We pay them a whopping $1 per hour above minimum wage to be mind-readers. They will be able to determine the issue with no information from you other than "my computer thingy broke." Be as ambiguous and obtuse as your Master's Degree allows. The only response to ANY of their queries should be an exasperated huffing and puffing. If possible, be eating 3-week-old Captain Crunch right from the box.
2. If you encounter an error with a piece of hardware, DO NOT be within 25 miles of it when you call tech support. Also, under no circumstances should you provide Tech Support with a physical description of said hardware.
3. If Technical Support tells you that you need to be connected to the company network for troubleshooting purposes, it is IMPERATIVE that you be in the bathroom, in a nightclub or on vacation -- preferably in Outer Mongolia.
4. If you are on medical/maternity leave, on vacation or have been fired - DO NOT tell Technical Support this. It's none of their business.
4a. If you have been on medical/maternity leave for the last 3 months and are not due back for another month, by all means, try to do an expense report for last week. Don't worry, if you are temporarily suspended in the system, Technical Support is a much higher power than HR and has the ability to override their suspension. Technical Support also keeps a ready supply of cash to pay out to you just because you work hard, even when you are on leave!
5. If you forget how to do the job we hired you to do, you must IMMEDIATELY call Technical Support, even if it does not involve using a computer. They have been trained to do the job of everyone in the corporation, including determining business procedures, making policy, all the way down to mopping the bathroom floors.
WARNING: Tech support will tell you that it will be impossible to fix your issue(s), most likely using one of the reasons stated above. THIS IS AGAINST COMPANY POLICY. You MUST remind them that, despite being entrusted with the care and feeding of thousands of expensive pieces of electronic equipment AND knowing how to do my job, your job, and everyone else's jobs, they are stupid, useless losers and a waste of everyone's time.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}