I am not shitting you

[jjjiii]

Today, at work, we had a meeting, and discussed the creation of an application that will create TPS reports.

Comments

[brutalentropy.livejournal.com]

Obviously the only solution is to steal as much money as possible from your employer.

And then steal a printer and smash it in a field.

[jjjiii]

Don't forget burning the whole place down!

[axessdenyd.livejournal.com]

Maybe it's the lack of corporatization in my work background, but what the heck is a TPS report, anyway?

And yes, I know the Office Space reference, I just don't know which piece of paperwork is so odious.

[jjjiii]

Where I work, it stands for [Name of the contract we're working under, which happens to start with T] Performance Standards.

They're actually fairly important.

I really hope that I get to design a cover sheet for them. I would feel utterly fulfilled.

[darkblade1.livejournal.com]

Yes, don't forget your cover sheet or you might have to go talk to the consultants.

[jecook]

Be sure to get a red stapler as well.. ::snicker::

[brutalentropy.livejournal.com]

Sorry... I just do that every day when I leave work.

[usekh.livejournal.com]

Didn't you get the memo?

[jjjiii]

I already have a black Swingline...

[linguafranca.livejournal.com]

That would be a wondrous thing to add to your resume.

[axessdenyd.livejournal.com]

Send out some memos

[kallell.livejournal.com]

http://www.thinkgeek.com/cubegoodies/toys/61b7/

http://www.zooass.com/officespace/tps.pdf

[methedras.livejournal.com]

Yeeeeaaahhhh I'm going to need you to uhhh go ahead and come in on Saturday...

[heathwitch.livejournal.com]

You know the new coversheets go on all the TPS reports before they go out, right? :)

[pope-guilty.livejournal.com]

The TPS report from the movie, according to bradhicks, is likely a Time Productivity System Report, under which you record how you spent your day in 15-minute increments.

They help companies gauge how much time given tasks take, and are therefore useful, but ye gods, I can see how people would hate them.

You need a red stapler.

[prozacnation.livejournal.com]

http://www.redswinglinestapler.com/

[compwizrd.livejournal.com]

my brother and i had to do those once a few years ago.

i put down basically everything i did tiny job by job.

my brother did: "worked" every 15 mintues or so.

Not long after, we were told not to bother with them.

[harry-whodunnit.livejournal.com]

At my last company, I got 'promoted' to our email support desk. That was the first time we'd had one, so I was making the job up as I went along.

First they wanted me to count the incoming email.

Then they wanted me to report the numbers by topic.

Then they wanted me to fill in a worksheet to track how long it took me to count the email.

Then they wanted me to do a time and motion study to find out how long it took me to track the time it took me to count the email.

Then they wanted an itemised list of the time it took me to measure the time it took me to track the time it took me to count the email. I'm not kidding, I reported to three different managers and they all wanted reports in a different format.

Then they wanted a productivity analysis to find out why I wasn't answering as much email as I used to. At this point I was spending three hours every day filling out reports!

That's when I decided I didn't care if they fired me and screamed bloody murder at a senior manager right in the middle of the call centre. Oddly, I didn't get fired, and they decided that maybe they didn't need all those reports after all.

Re: You need a red stapler.

[jjjiii]

Hey, that's not a bad price... the Swingline model that the Red staper belongs to normally retails, I've seen, for around $34.

[jecook]

Icky. I had to do that for a month. It sucked.

[tmercenary.livejournal.com]

You know what I'd do with a million bucks?

[jjjiii]

Invest in a company that makes stupid novelty welcome mats?

[axessdenyd.livejournal.com]

Eww.

Remind me not to work in a huge corporate environment.

[compwizrd.livejournal.com]

on the bright side, when i had to do it again about two years ago, my boss and the other "computer" person had to do them too.

They were both let go shortly after.

I'm the remaining computer person out of 4, and the workload actually went DOWN, because now i'm not babysitting people above me anymore.

[wyrdrune.livejournal.com]

Had to do those at one place I worked - there was a timesheet code for time-spent-filling-in-a-timesheet.

[tmercenary.livejournal.com]

no, two chicks at the same time!

Re: You need a red stapler.

[prozacnation.livejournal.com]

I bought one of the fan kits with the mug and the stickie papers and the stapler.

The whole thing, with shipping was around $30.00. My friend loved it - I bought it for him as a christmas present. It's a hit as his office. :)

[krrayn.livejournal.com]

Fuckin' A, Peter man.

[geekgrrl-ca.livejournal.com]

At Apple some of the engineers were supposed to report how many lines of code they wrote... One of them cleaned up a project removing 2k of code and put down -2000 as the number of lines of code he wrote. www.folklore.org

[compwizrd.livejournal.com]

ouch.. line count is about the most useless benchmark they could have come up with.

sounds like my brothers coding though, when he's given someone's code, first thing he does is go nuts removing things that don't actually DO anything.. i've seen him strip a program to a third its size, and not lose any functionality.

[jjjiii]

Is this otherwise known as removing comments?

[compwizrd.livejournal.com]

no, more like(vaguely from memory)

dim variable as int

...

variable1 = variable
variable1 = 0


and then the code didn't use either variable or variable1 anyways. bad enough they defined it, didn't initialize it, assigned variable1 to be it, and then defined variable1 to be 0 anyways...

he sees a lot of stupid code like that.

or something like (again, from vague memory)

dim canadiantous as whatever

...

canadiantous = 1

if currency = "us"
variable=variable * exchangerate
else
variable=variable * canadiantous
endif

why bother doing the canadiantous thing?

another part in a different Access database converted a currency value from US to canadian.

three times in a row.. back when the dollar was around 1.50 to 1.. couldn't figure out why everything was off by a factor of 3.5...