Set Slow = True

[krrayn.livejournal.com]

"Yeah, I'm having problems with my [program], I'm trying to do [process] and it's really slow, it's taking a long time. Is there some kind of setting I have to configure or something?"

Yes. There is a system setting in the program labeled SLOW. When you install the software it defaults to On, because we don't believe in enabling our customers to be efficient with their work. Congratulations, you're one of the few people who guessed the existence of this undocumented feature.

The performance of our program on your computer couldn't possibly have anything to do with the fact that your computer is 5 years old, your network infrastructure is 10 years old, your hard drive is riddled with spyware, you have seven programs open and twelve processes in the system tray and you're downloading stolen MP3s while listening to Hillary Duff on a radioweb broadcast. And chatting with your peeps on AIM. All six of them.

Ass.

Comments

[klytus.livejournal.com]

...and all while trying to view photos on a CD on your state-of-the-art quad-speed CD ROM drive.

[krrayn.livejournal.com]

I almost choked on my mountain dew at that. :D

[klytus.livejournal.com]

Service with a smile :)

[trenthamfamily.livejournal.com]

lol good grief.

[jjjiii]

That's actually closer to true than you'd think... recall the old 486 PCs with the Turbo button.

There's often settings that you can configure that will make a system run slower or faster, and good tweakers will know what they are. So it's not that dumb of a question.

Of course, ancient hardware, software, and malware infections will help a machine to run slow, too.

[the-s-guy.livejournal.com]

"Yes. The setting is called 'Buy a new PC.'"

[floatingpencil.livejournal.com]

That sounds almost exactly like one of my favourite rants. Yes, of course there's a 'Go Very Fast' button. We're just hiding it, because we're a bunch of bastards.

Okay, we are a bunch of bastards, but that's not the point. If I get one more person saying "I've upgraded from Version Dinosaur to Version Spaceage and now everythings sooo sloooowww", I may have to take drastic action involving a road map, a ski mask, and a really, really big stick.