(no subject)

[dk.livejournal.com]

top of today's people-to-kill list:

people who call in with an issue and won't provide any information other than "i'm getting an error".

T: (for 2nd time) what does the error message _say_?
C: oh, i don't know, i clicked to close it.
T: . o O (well that was helpful) OK, do [action resulting in error] again and we should get it back.
[insert 5 minutes of customer doing unrelated stuff while i creep ever closer to an aneurysm]
C: yup, i got it again. *click*
T: ok, what's in the error message?
C: you mean the one i just closed again? *sounding frustrated* why do we have to do this, can't you just tell me what's wrong?

this isn't my first TS job, but it is the one that's helping me understand how people end up in bell towers with hunting rifles.

Comments

[taiki.livejournal.com]

oh GOD.

I know that feeling.

I'm close to just hanging up on customers who do that.

"Sir, if you're not willing to troubleshoot, you can call us back when youa re. *click*"

[said-by-me.livejournal.com]

welcome to hell

*it's broke*
*it doesn't work*
*I can't do what I need to do*


they all translate to user stupidity... if they were to correlate it to going to the doctor or taking their car to a mechanic, it would all be so different.

[das-prompt.livejournal.com]

Heh, sorta reminds me of a call I had recently. (abridged for many, many repetitions and long handholding explanations)

T: Ok, you'll need to put the IP information here.

C: It always work with "Find automatically."

T: It can't work that way. We don't provide DHCP. Are you sure you don't have a router or anything between the DSL modem and your PC?

C: No, nothing at all.

T: A direct connection?

C: Yes, directly connected.

T: Then it can't work that way.

C: It always has!

(*snip* ...over and over and over. Had her check ipconfig. It's getting a LAN address from somewhere.)

T: OK, browse to the gateway address.

C: It's Motorola's web site.

T: Do you have VoIP by chance?

C: Yeah, Vonage.

T: And where is the Vonage equipment?

C: Between the DSL modem and my computer.

T: YOU SAID YOU DIDN'T HAVE ANYTHING THERE!

C: You said "router".

T: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!

[taii.livejournal.com]

my recent favourite has been:

me: OK, what error message are you getting?
user: "your account has been locked out"
me *unlocks account* OK, try again for me.
User: same message
me: *checks account - it's not locked out* Are you sure that's the same message?
User: yes, same message
me: read the message to me
User: Incorrect username or password
me: that is not the same message...


and my personal favourite
me: and what does the message say?
user: There was an error, blah blah blah.

I've never known any error message to say "blah blah blah"

[ohhjuliet.livejournal.com]

I always like "I don't know, it's just not working!"

[krrayn.livejournal.com]

I like the emails that are short and to the point.

"I can't do X. Please advise."

... course, nobody knows to WHAT point...

Getting sufficient information from a user to diagnose the problem is like summoning a demon. There's so much ritual and nuance that has to be followed in order to translate their layspeak into meaningful information before you can even begin to unleash your mad troubleshooting skills.
And every damn one of them speaks a different dialect.

[redqueenmeg.livejournal.com]

Our computers here specifically say "blah blah blah." There is also the ever-popular error message, "It doesn't like it," and the famous, "Nope!"

[taii.livejournal.com]

We had one user that was a nightmare to try and help...

The first time I had dealings with her, the email went as this:
Subject: HELP!
body: Internet not work. help.


that was it.
Trying to get information from her was like pulling teeth. When we eventually phoned her (after about 20 mails and 6 hours), it took us over one hour to fix a simple problem - her proxy settings had been cleared.

[linguafranca.livejournal.com]

And what's the error message you get when you try?
It just says 'Error.'

[oddball42.livejournal.com]

i hate them. the magic wanders. cant you just go into my acomputer and fix it?

i hate them with a burning passion!

[dk.livejournal.com]

"Nope!"

i cringed when i read that, because the very specific and triumphant tone it's usually addressed in bugs the LIVING SHIT out of me.

[the-s-guy.livejournal.com]

I unleash the power of the Universal Diagnostic Question!

"It says $non-useful_blah"

Answer: "What KIND of $non-useful_blah?"

This can be repeated over and over and over, randomly interspersed with "Please read those words directly off the screen to me," until data is extracted or the caller spontaneously catches fire.

I especially like "What KIND of nothing?" - one I've had to use far too many times.

They want you to think for them. Content-free answers need to be quickly punted back before the caller can relax into their desired inter-question catatonia (from experience, you have around three-quarters of a second before they get their fix of fluffy warm DUH). Verbally poke the hell out of them until they realize being on the phone with you is not super fun happy mental vegetation time, but a spiky ordeal reminiscient of being swallowed by an inside-out cactus.

Hey - if calling technical support hurt, wouldn't our call times drop and unnecessary calls decrease? And let's face it: why should all the mental agony be on our side of the conversation?

[redqueenmeg.livejournal.com]

YES, I totally agree!