(no subject)

[the-paco.livejournal.com]

Hold music is the bane of my existence as a tech. I don't know about anyone else, but when I hear this low-key crap that's supposed to turn annoyed people into placid phone-bovines, I get annoyed. When I hear the perky feminine voice saying my call is important and that they're working hard to get to me, I get pissed. When I hear repeated instructions to do crap that I either A) Have done or B) can't do, along with the phrase 'you can reach us online' when I can't GET online, I have the urge to hunt down the owner of that voice and rip out her perky larynx.

The reason, the ENTIRE GODDAMNED REASON that Kenny G has a career is because of these bullshit companies trying to find 'soothing music', and yet they always seem to come up with the most gratingly atonal jumbles of sexual assaults against musical instruments that have EVER been recorded in a studio. Whoever was the genius that thought the Oboe is the underappreciated wonder of the musical world needs to be shot. Not just shot, he needs to be dragged out of bed at 3am, beaten with a giant rubber dildo, driven by hordes of howling rednecks with cattle prods into the street, made to listen to Rob Zombie's "Scum of the Earth" while being pelted by crowds with water baloons filled with monkey piss, and then have his eyes propped open while ameteur historically-conscious cannoneers use him as a zeroing target for 18th century cannons.

The people who come up with the stupid idea that when I'm on hold I want to listen to music guaranteed to brainwash me into a complete pussy should be right there, made to watch it happen to the artist whose fate they sealed. Then they should be wrapped up so they can't move an inch, locked in a completely white room, and made to listen to their hold music for 36 hours in a row. All while perky feminine voices tell them how worthless they are and how much they should die. If they survive that, release the rabid voles into the room to feast upon their eyes.

Now that that's out of the way and the world is cleansed of their filth, let us replace the music. How about first a briefing about your place in line, how long it is estimated to take to get to you, and music options? If you want to listen to Rock genres, press one, Jazz, press two, Classical, press three. If you want to listen to the national news, press 01. Etc. Give the people some choices. That's all we need.

Of course, since most of my callers have never heard of the 'stop' button in internet explorer, have the sound of beeping fire alarms in the background each time they call, and are supposedly adults who have been online for some time, I don't think I could trust them to jerk off effectively without poking out an eye.

Meantime, while they're soothed by the sweet sounds of a clarinet being violated and made into the naughty little bitch that it is, I'm stuck with the thought running through my head that if I were to find these idiot customers, perky people, executives, Yanni, and riddle their soft bodies with hot-loaded .50 caliber hollowpoint rounds, I would go to jail. Tanj.

I also know if only I were a little bit dumber, I would probably love this shit music and perky 'we really want your moneyto help you' voices. If I were a little smarter, I'd never be in a position to hear them, or I would change them.

Comments

[dr-atheist.livejournal.com]

Or instead of making us pay to listen to "your call is important..." how about letting it ring until someone is available, so we don't fucking PAY for 1/22 an hour of hold music. (assuming non toll free numbers)

[kallell.livejournal.com]

except certain carriers will disc your call after no ring for a while

[katyism.livejournal.com]

We don't have hold music, just plain silence >:) so people who can't stand to wait on hold in silence will hang up and that's fine with me....

Wow.

[jazzmasterson.livejournal.com]

I need a cigarette...

Re: Wow.

[ambitious-wench.livejournal.com]

/me passes you her ashtray full of butts.

No you don't.

[dmsalem00.livejournal.com]

And on the other side of the coin, there's the people who call in and have YOU on hold when your phone buzzes them onto the line..

That's just great. Trust me, I get it alot, dealing with the customers of a major prefab computer company.

BEEP-BEEP: Thank you for calling **** may I have your (ident # of computer) please? (soft soothing sounds of kenny g violating alto sax).

Technically we're supposed to hold the line 2 minutes. I usually turn the volume down and hold it longer, just so I can catch up on the mounds of paperwork we're required to do while taking back-to-back calls.

Then they finally come on the line, and they're pissed they had to wait. HAH.

[geekgrrl-ca.livejournal.com]

My favourite hold music so far has been "Flight of the Bummblebee" and "Twisted Sister, We're not going to take it" (musak version).

[claire-chan.livejournal.com]

Whoever was the genius that thought the Oboe is the underappreciated wonder of the musical world needs to be shot.

The resident oboist begs to differ, too. We're appreciated quite enough, thank you.

It really is frustrating, the hold music. x_X I dislike calling big companies altogether.