The email I want to send so very, very very badly!!!!

[ex-deliveryboy.livejournal.com]

Dear Valued Customer,

Thank you for your inquiry. I can certainly appreciate that you believe that your recent challenges should receive top priority. The 5 different email messages you sent at exactly the same time certainly would attest to your concern. I can also understand how you believe you should be compensated because you haven't received your daily email from your Online Dating Service.

While there was unusually high server load due to the amount of spam that is being sent across our mail servers, your email is arriving and infecting your inbox. Since you have chosen to turn off any and all form of spam blocking on the server, please do not be surprised when your system crashes due to infectious email and/or you are denied access to the Internet because your system has been turned into a Spam Whore Machine.

And in response to your original concern, which is not receiving mail from your online dating service, we no longer give a fuck. Your email address is working and is receiving spam quite nicely. The problem lies in the fact that your a 60-ish year old a misogynistic bastard who belongs on the box of a Mrs. Paul's Fish sticks box and no woman in her right mind would want to be near you. We are not refunding you; we are not giving you our "top priority". Please contact your Online Dating Service and cancel your subscription, for you are just wasting your money. Also, please feel free to cancel your subscription with us, as we have a betting pool going on how long it takes you to finally get sick of it.

Thank you for your continued patience. If you need any further assistance, please feel free to piss up a rope.

Scott McDee
Assistant Supervisor
Your $13.99 a month ISP Support

Comments

[mtlchick.livejournal.com]

*Clapping* Bravo! Well said!

[servermonkey.livejournal.com]

Ah, but can we trust the Gorton's fisherman (http://www.gortons.com/)?

[hoffman-log.livejournal.com]

Spam Whore Machine must be the BEST term I've heard in such a long time!

_MaH

[loosechanj.livejournal.com]

Excellent band name as well.

[k8mnstr.livejournal.com]

I definately feel your pain. I work for a Web Hosting company and 99% of my calls are "I'm not receiving my e-mail". The fact is that our EULA does not gurantee E-Mail Delivery. No one guarantees e-mail delivery, and heaven forbid an e-mail message not get delivered within 30 seconds, it is considered a delay. Customers get all pissy when I tell them that in order for it to be considered a "delay" the message needs to have been postponed about 3 or 4 hours, and even then all we do is say "your right, it's delayed". LoL.

I would definately like to send this message out to a few customers of mine.

[jahbulon.livejournal.com]

We don't guarantee a damn thing in our Ts and Cs. If our network causes your computer to gain sentience and try to kill you, you may end up owing US money. We also provide some of the most detailed home support in Australia, for free.

So when someone calls me and starts babbling crap down the phone line in a high-pitched whiny voice, and ends her first tirade with "So ever since you people put a shortcut on my desktop, Adobe hasn't worked, Yahoo messenger hasn't worked, my mouse isn't working and the clock is slowing down", implying in a rich emotionally-textured voice that this is our fault, that if we didn't do it on purpose it must have been incompetence, then its really hard not reach through the phone and slam the persons head into their keyboard.

...

A little off topic I guess.. I just need to vent once in a while. Thanks

[j-digi82.livejournal.com]

In times like these I remember that the company I work for logs if you push the release button on your telephone but if the phone were to accidently come unplugged it must be faulty equipment.

[dmsalem00.livejournal.com]

If my computer gains sentience and tries to kill me because of your service, I *will* pay you money.