Things I Am Not Allowed To Do At Work, Part 3

[delta_mike]

(Previously. Recap: Newly-minted sysadmin, university setting.)

• Install red lights in the Systems office for use by the Night Shift.
• ... or airhorns for surprising the Night Shift.
• Add additional functions to the text-to-speech agents on the undergraduate lab machines without prior approval from Management.
• ... or configure them to reproduce GLaDOS's speech-patterns without approval from Management.
• ... our your own speech-patterns.
• ... especially that god-damned laugh.
• Change the speaking fire-alarm system to say anything other the normal "In the interests of safety, please evacuate the building" message save with express authorization from the Fire Safety Officer.
• ... We especially disapprove of the particular phrase you chose to install prior to the last scheduled fire drill, "Containment failure in Sub-basement Two; unscheduled reactant excursion in progress. You have 15 minutes to reach minimum safe distance."
  Do you have any idea how hard it is to retain good security staff?
• ... No, you still can't take over Security operations.
• Requisition Gurkhas from the MoD for any purpose whatsoever.
• ... This prohibition likewise applies to Gurkhas who have retired.
• Declare martial law.
• Resolve problem tickets of the form "Help, I am over my disk quota!" with the gleeful response, "Fixed!"
• Suggest the best way to stop students from borrowing and not returning Mac VGA adaptors is to attach explosive charges to them.
• ... and when one of the other new Sysadmins asks, "What, the students, or the adaptors?" respond with the words, "Excellent; I can see your training is coming along nicely!"
• ... This is specifically and especially contraindicated in circumstances when the student making the request is still within earshot.
• Accept bribes in any form, including but not limited to: cookies, flasks of Dr. Pepper, or chocolate, in exchange for prioritizing a user's print-job above the others on Project Printing Day.
• Accept ransom in any form, including the aforementioned, in exchange for not suspending a user's print-job on Project Printing Day.
• Reset my password to '); DROP DATABASE;-- shortly before helping evaluate the projects of, as you put it, "final year students with low karma scores".
• Your first words uttered to the new teenaged work experience student shall not be, "Ahh, excellent! Another helper! Before we begin, tell me, you don't have any serious medical conditions that I should be aware of, do you?"
• ... Your new habit of grinning manically and steepling your fingers, whilst less audible than the previously forbidden hideously evil laughter, is likewise contraindicated.
• ... In fact, we'd prefer it if you made some noise when you moved, too.

Total time elapsed in post: 24 days.

(Continued!)