Here's a great one.

[momentarygenius.livejournal.com]

This was actually yesterday, but yeah.


Luser: I installed the VPN upgrade you guys pushed out and now I have no network connection! SPAZ! FREAKOUT! THE WORLD IS COMING TO AN END CAUSE I CAN'T WORK FROM HOME!!!!


Me: (yes I already know how to fix this, it'll be like a 2 second process) Ok sir. Can I have you double click on your My Computer Folder...

Luser: I don't have one of those, where is it?

Me: Well it's normally in the upper left corner. If it's not ther-

Luser: oh ok, I found it. But it's giving me options of Open, Explore, Search, ... which do I choose?

Me: Choose Open for me. When it opens, I'd like you to go in your C drive.

Luser: D drive?

Me: no C, like Charlie.

Luser: OK S.

Me: no, C. Like cat.

Luser: ah ok. Now where?

Me: Do you see a folder called Program Files?

Luser: Yeah. Oh, but there's nothing in it?

Me: Do you see a message warning you that you should not make modifications to this folder? If so, there should be something you can click to continue.

Luser: Ok I see folders now. Where to?

Me: You're looking for one that says Symantec Client Security

Luser: Can you spell that?

Me: S y m a n t e c client security.

Luser: I dont' see it.

Me: Ok, give me your computer name and I'll remote in and help you locate it.

Luser: my computer name is $ACOMPUTERNAME.

Me: ok you should see a pop up asking if Ellis, Mary can control your desktop.

Luser: nope, don't see it.

Me: (it's telling me it's prompting him) Let me try again. (I cancel, resubmit permission request) Do you see it now?

Luser: nope.

Me: OK. Go to Start > Run and in the box there type cmd and hit enter. You should see a DOS window pop up.

Luser: Yep.

Me: great. Type in IPCONFIG for me, and hit enter. You should then see something that says your IP address. It should be a string of 4 sets of numbers.

Luser: OK, its $IPADDRESS.

Me: Great. (I remote to it that way instead of with computer name.) Now do yo usee the pop up?

Luser: Yep, I'll say yes.

Me: great. (it connects, the computer name is not even CLOSE to the one he gave me... but whatever)(I go to the explorer window he's got open....

HE'S NOT IN PROGRAM FILES. HE'S IN DOCUMENTS AND SETTINGS.)

w. t. f.

I browse to the correct location in complete silence, and run the fwexcept.bat. and he instantly is working again.

Dear Ex-Employee

[dubhain.livejournal.com]

Oh, you did not try and delete all the mission-critical data on your PC before quitting the agency.

You did?

::Sigh.:: Yeah, I'll be doing file recovery the rest of this morning.

[ObDisclaimer: Yes, I know there should've been backups of any and all mission-critical data. Tell that to the users and their management.]

::Grumble.::

Here's real security

[geekgrrl-ca.livejournal.com]

I found this over at The Book of Biff, I don't believe his IT team has much to complain about.

Dear Mr. F**knugget...

[ptstech.livejournal.com]

(x-posted to bad_driving, my LJ, and TSC)

I know this isn't exactly tech-related, but it IS venting, after all...

Dear Mr. F**knugget,

I realize that I was doing 65 instead of 85 on the way to work.  I also realize that you were in a bit of a hurry to get SOMEPLACE.  In case you're wondering, I figured it out when you tried to whip around me THREE times in the space of less than a half mile WITH TRAFFIC APPROACHING FROM THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION AND WHILE APPROACHING AN INTERSECTION!!!!

I am left with several questions:

1) Why, if you were in such a hurry, did you slow down and follow me off the street, into the parking lot, and into a parking space as if you worked there?  Wouldn't those precious seconds have been better spent trying to get back to warp speed?

2) Why, if you were itching for a fight, did you make two laps around the lot to make sure I was inside BEFORE deciding to play Billy Bob Badass?

3) Where exactly WERE you going at 6:45 in the am in pajamas and house shoes and carrying a Maglite?  Let me guess:

• You were on something.
• You SHOULD have been on something and weren't.
• Your significant other stepped out on your insane ass and didn't fix your breakfast vittles.

In any event, you are a coward of the highest order - a true heir to the throne of the King Of Idiots.  Beating up my car was lame, and stupid.  We have your vehicle on video, dumbass.  Not too many of THOSE registered and still running around here.  We have your description, too, and judging from the hole in the front of your PJs, I know why wifey booked on you - they have pills for that now, you know.

Karma will be back to bite you squarely in your tiny, malformed nuts.  Believe that.  In the meantime, I leave you with this:

You suck.  Raw sewage.  Through a twisty straw.

Die In A Fire,
Me


Edit:

Police took a statement.  Description of the vehicle (late 80s GMC Jimmy, two-tone, gray side panels, black up top) and driver (WM, 6 feet, curly hair, loungewear).  Unfortunately, video coverage was both incomplete and inconclusive in that the tag was unreadable.  My guess is that this nut will turn up somewhere sooner or later.  If it is anywhere near this plant, he'll wish it had been the cops that caught him first.

subterfuge

[ebtb.livejournal.com]

Dear Luser,

Having some Latin phrase in your email signature doesn't convince me that you're brilliant. It's overshadowed by the fact that you are complaining that you can no longer get definition updates when your subscription has expired.

ab imo pectore,

ebtb

post scriptum: age quod agis