Did anyone else see this?

[falnfenix]

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB118539543272477927.html?mod=fpa_mostpop

freaking lovely...i can't WAIT to hear the fallout from this...

(no subject)

[ianhess.livejournal.com]

me: Go into the database.
him: ok.
me: find table X.
him: ok.
me: delete line a and c.
him: ok.
me. goto table Y. delete line a and c. That data corresponds to the first table.
him. I deleted line b. Is that bad?

Remote control software = customer satisfaction.

Free clue to the trainer guy

[ptomblin-lj.livejournal.com]

If all your emails to the developers have a subject line that starts with "URGENT:", then as far as I'm concerned none of them are urgent. Especially not after the first three turn out to be your own lack of understanding of the system.

Epidemic of The Dumb on both sides of the phone

[thalionar.livejournal.com]

The Dumb, Part 1

Monday morning, I get in, get told. "Oh, X application is giving this error, but if they reboot, they can get in." OK, fine, we've been dealing with this off and on for the last couple of weeks, they can get on because it's a problem on 1 of 3 load balanced servers. I presume that the appropriate L2's have been notified. Come 8:30 when the rest of the company gets in and tries to log in and we are getting *hammered,* I ask, "Hey, what's the ticket number for the problem with X application?" There was no ticket placed, no L2 called, no nothing, because "a reboot fixed it."

O. M. G. I was livid.

The Dumb, Part 2

Customer today, needs a new monitor as his is screen burned, ok, fine, whatever. I ask him if he is in campus location. He says he can't tell me that. What? you can't tell me if you're in campus location that matches the phone number you gave me? No, he can't tell me where he is "for security reasons."

Um... dude, it's going to be *real* hard to get you that monitor if you won't tell us where you are...

10 rules for calling tech support

[twitchfetish.livejournal.com]

I posted this in my LJ years ago. Don't know if I ever got around to cross-posting it here.

I think most of you guys can relate...

The 10 Rules For Calling Technical Support

1. heavy breathing down the phone will not: a)get your computer fixed any faster or b)turn me on; especially if you sound like an overweight Hutt with emphysema and a felch-gargling fetish.

2. telling me you're a technician from way back will not make me any more inclined to believe you when you say it's a "hardware problem with the RAM in the modem drive"

3. i do not speak japanese, chinese, russian, serbian, french, elven, klingon or regional dialectic ecclesiastical mongolian. please do not act as if i do.

4. this is not "you show me yours, i'll show you mine". just because i'm required to take your FULL name, address and phone details, doesn't mean i'm giving you mine. you want your computer fixed. i just work here.

5. i honestly dont give two curly buttfucks whether you are the queen of england or the CIO of the biggest company in the world. you were too stingy to purchase an upgraded warranty, therefore you will get the same service as everyone else. stop bitching. i know where you live.

6. yes, i have heard the one about the cupholder before.

7. if you talk to me like i'm something you scraped off the bottom of your hush puppies this morning just because you have more letters after your name than in it, i'm not going to help you any more than i'm required to. if you need to change one setting, instead of telling you what to change, i'll stick by the letter of the rules and charge you 40 bucks to set your screen res.

8. no i dont care that you know the Asia-Pacific manager of *my company*. i'm doing my job by the rules. i will not break them for you. call your fucking manager friend. i dont care. my ass is covered from here to breakfast. and you're probably lying. and i still know where you live.

9. screaming at me will not put your machine back in warranty. threatening to call my manager will not put your machine back in warranty. if you want a warranty service, invent a time machine and use it to travel back to before your computer ran OUT of warranty. preferrably to somewhere in the mid-paleolithic. yes, the world still existed before computers, telephones and your monumentally gyroscopic ego.

10. the most important thing for you to remember here is this: you have a contraction of my first name, one that 7 other people here share. i have you full name, your landline and mobile phone numbers, your fax number, address, work address, email and credit card details. i also have access to - and extensive experience in the use of - an axe and a sledgehammer. do you really want to fuck with me?

Have a nice day and thank you for calling.

Regards,

DasTwitcH