Happy Friday

[achernow.livejournal.com]

Yes, I know it's Thursday but it's just as good as Friday :)

Anyway, I got this in one of those Joke e-mails...



These are the unwritten rules from the highly over worked, but highly under
paid technical support staff at an Internet service provider near you...

1. DO NOT talk over me. Listen damn it, you can't do what I tell you to do
constantly jabbering bullshit over me. I talk... you do. Why did you even
ask me a question if you are going to &*%*# answer it?

2. DO NOT call me and then put me on hold. You called me, genius. You want
my help, stay on the &*%*# line and listen. We have much better things to do
than talk to you anyway.

3. DO NOT read long error messages to me unless I ask you to. Do you
honestly think we get anything out of a 50 digit hex number???

4. DO NOT start off a call by saying anything in the neighborhood of "hi,
how's it going" or "busy today?" That just serves to piss us off. Get to the
problem so we can get you off the phone. The day was great until I had to
start answering your totally moronic questions.

5. DO NOT get pissed when we tell you that your system is royally &*%*#. We
didn't &*%* it up. It wasn't us. We're simply telling it like it is.

6. DO NOT call about unrelated products. We DO NOT know the intimate details
of every piece o' shit shareware program you dredge out of the internet. Nor
do we want to. Stop it!

7. We DO NOT manufacture modems, write e-mail programs or engineer browsers.
If something in this arena goes wrong, call the people who made the &*%*#
thing. YOU DON'T USE THE INTERNET TO FAX!!! Can't stress that one enough.

8. DO NOT compare us to AOL when something goes wrong with your connection
to us. If you had the computer literacy of an 8 year old with a broken Atari
2600 you'd know better. Everyone else connects just fine. It's just you.
Keep that in mind. It's just you.

9. DO NOT call simply for the purpose of giving us your thoughts on the
content of our homepage or to request that we send you flyers so you can
pass them out at bridge tournaments and bingo night. Not only is this a
waste of our time, but it encourages just the type of user tech support reps
fear most... the elderly.

10. DO NOT make us sit there on the phone while you tip toe through setup
instructions so easy they were originally tested on lab chimps. We have
better things to do than act as zoo keepers.

11. DO NOT call us and complain about a problem with your system and then
say you're not in front of your computer when we try and help you. We aren't
technological psychics.

12. DO NOT call us assuming the problem you're experiencing is our fault. If
your computer crashes, performs illegal operations, gives you the blue
screen of death, or flips you off and runs away with the &*%*# toaster to
Mexico, you can be damn certain it isn't us who caused it.

13. DO NOT call us and announce to us that you don't know anything about
computers. This really pisses us off. Trust me, we're well aware of that
fact. We figured it out the minute you called and announced "help, the
internet
is broken!" Something here definitely needs help. People who know computers
don't call us.

14. DO NOT call us and act as if you know all that are computers and that
you're doing us a favor by gracing us with your call. This pisses us off
more than rule #13. Chiming in with stupid suggestions and comments only
increases the already tremendous temptation we face to use you as an
unwitting instrument of destruction and really do some damage to your
system. Not that you'd notice.

15. DO NOT (in addition to rule #14) say acronyms you don't know the meaning
of or even what they are for. Just admit your completely lost and leave the
techno bullshit to us.

16. DO NOT call in if you can't speak English. This might seem like a small
thing to you, but we find it just a tad annoying when we try and assess your
problem and we can only understand every fifth word you say. And no, just
because those words may be 'computer' or 'broken' doesn't absolve you of the
offense.

17. DO NOT call in hoping to get another tech rep to tell you something
different than the first one did. If one of us tells you your system is
&*%*#, it's &*%*#. The second guy is going to simply look at the log and
tell you the same thing, it's &*%*#. That is of course unless you really
piss him off and then he's going to make sure your computer has the
functionality of a house plant.

18. DO NOT be stoned or drunk when you call us. You wouldn't think this
would need to actually be said, but believe me it's come up. For god sakes,
if you can't control yourself and must call, at least have the common
courtesy to offer us some of what you're on.

(no subject)

[chiria.livejournal.com]

All right, I'm new the community, and haven't posted yet. Here's a little story from me. I don't feel like I do true tech support anymore (We switched clients from TS for Dell to CSR for WOW!), but it's still an evil.

I'm sitting in queue, minding my own business. I get the dreaded beep, and I say my spiel. Little oldy lady. Inward groan because they never seem to hear the pitch of my voice, too high I suppose. After the fourth time I ask for the phone number, I finally get the area code. Hmm, not found. Ok, let's try a house search. I wrangle the zip code from her bare hands. Well, her house number doesn't match, but her street is servicable. We'll get out a bill and get the account number from her statement. She creaks around and is it ok if I hold on? Sure, anything for the customer. Seven minutes later...(seven minutes is a long time when you're just sitting on the phone.) If this had been back in my Dell days, after two minutes I would have released the call. But I wait patiently, because I am an excellent CSR. (Ha.) She couldn't find it. She mailed the bill this morning, but she thinks she lost it... stop listening at this point. So she stops talking. I ask for her name, and try that. Ask if it could be under anyone else's name. Well, possibly her late husband, you know he just passed on... stop listening again. Well, what she wants to know is that she has basic cable and just what channel does the Game Show Network come on. In her voice, she capitalized all three words. I make sure she has analog service, I look it up for Michigan. Well, all right mam, it would be on channels 84 and 89. Well, she's going to try those out right now. And to my confusion, neither one of those channels happen to be the Game Show Network. She's never gotten the Game Show Network! She pays us for basic cable every month! Don't we think she should get the Game Show Network! I ask again about box, checking that it is in fact analog. Yeah, it's one of them old fashioned ones! You know what she's talking about! All right, well le...It says Comcast right on it! Halt. Cease. What the hell? I ask her if she has Comcast service. She snobily replies that of course she does! She's had it since we first... stop listening because she's not my customer. I politely suggest that she call Comcast. She is! That's who she's talking to! I replied that this was Wide Open West, known as WOW! Internet and Cable. She's confused. I told her to call her cable company if she wanted to get the Game Show Network. She argues with me that I am Comcast. No. I. am. not. Well, do I know the number to Comcast? Right. Let me give you that number. No? Can you transfer me? Mam, Comcast is our competitor, I cannot transfer you there. She lets out a scream and hangs up.

MY program isn't broken, but your head may be.

[baphomet93.livejournal.com]

OK, If you employee has 15 hours vacation to start with, and they use 5, they are SUPPOSED to have 10 HOURS LEFT. Why do you have to call me to make sure this is correct. You don't need accounting software, you need a brain!!!

Sorry, thanks for listening :)

Some things should not be done when talking to tech support

[oddball42.livejournal.com]

[you refers to caller]

I am so tired of the people who go to the bathroom while on the phone with tech support...

of all the things you can do to me on the phone that is truely the most offensive...

the one thing i hate more is "thank you for calling" interrupred by *GRUNT*...

if you have business to attend to before the call FUCKING ATTEND TO IT!!!!


sorry guys... had to let that one out in the open...