30 Tips from IT to the Kind Users

[kiwiria.livejournal.com]

1. When we say we'll drop by, log off your PC and take a coffee break. It's no problem for us to gain access to and remember 1500 networks.

2. When you call and want your computer moved, make sure that it's covered under hundreds of postcards, baby photos, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and recipes. We don't have lives of our own and we are deeply touched when you let us get a glimpse of yours.

3. When we send out important emails and relate vital informations, feel free to delete them - immediately and without reading them. We're probably just checking the mailing lists.

4. When we eat lunch at our desk, feel free to interrupt us with your problems, and expect answers immediately. We're here to serve, and we're always ready to solve computer errors.

5. When we're taking a coffee break, having a cigarette or joining the talk at the water cooler, we're also available for technical questions. The real reason for these human activities are that we offer ourselves to people without email and phone.

6. Send all important emails with CAPITAL LETTERS. The mail-server recognizes these as important and deliver them EXPRESS to the recipient.

7. If the photocopier, fax machine or coffee machine doesn't work, call us. There's probably some sort of electronic system in it, which makes it an obvious case for us to solve.

8. If there's something wrong with your home PC, leave it on an empty chair, without name, without phone number, without error message. We love a really good mystery.

9. When we try to guide you through problems over phone, feel free to read the newspaper while we talk. We don't expect YOU to do anything. We're just talking to ourselves.

10. When we offer training in new systems, feel free to ignore them. We're still here, when you need personal training.

11. If the printer doesn't work, send the job at least 20 times. It's a known problem that print jobs disappear into the great kosmos without explanation.

12. If the printer still doesn't work after 20 jobs, send the job to every printer available. There's probably one of them that still works.

13. Avoid using Online help. It's only for complete idiots.

14. If you take IT-classes in your spare time, please update various drivers in your own and your apartment's computers. We're grateful for the chance to troubleshoot for hours after you've gone home.

15. When we help you during lunch, feel free to eat your lunch in front of us. We work best when we're slightly starved and weakened.

16. Never thank us for our assistence. We're fully satisfied with "That's what you're paid for!"

17. When we ask if you've installed any new programs on your computer, lie. It's none of our business what you have on your work PC.

18. If the cable to your mouse constantly knocks over the photo of your hamster, feel free to place the cable under the PC. Cables are made to withstand heavy weights and sharp edges.

19. If your spacebar doesn't work, it's probably due to an update. Keyboards work best when filled with cake crumbs and spilled coffee.

20. If a message asks "Are you sure?" click Enter immediately. Of course you are sure! Otherwise you wouldn't be doing anything!

21. Please tell us that you don't know anything about this "computershit". We love when the need you have for our professional abilities is described as "shit".

22. When you need to change the toner, please call us. Changing a toner is an incredibly complex technical task.

23. When something is wrong with your computer, get your secretary to call IT. Nothing is more exciting than talking to somebody, who doesn't know what the problem is.

24. If you receive a 30 MB movie, feel free to forward it to every other colleague. We have plenty of space on our mail servers.

25. Never consider splitting huge print jobs up into smaller jobs. It would be awful if somebody managed to slip in a small rush job.

26. When you meet one of us at the supermarket Saturday afternoon, you're more than welcome to ask questions. We work 24-7-365.

27. If your son studies IT, feel free to let him use your office PC for his projects. We're always happy to help when his pirated copy of Visual Basic 6.0 makes our SQL databases crash.

28. Remember that it is a huge help for us if you can tell us that last time you had this problem, "somebody just did something and then it worked." This information is the key to everything.

29. When you bring us your private PC so we can troubleshoot it, remember to tell us, how important it is, because your kids need it to play Doom 2. We'll take care of it immediately in our spare time, which is held at the office anyway. Everybody knows, we just spend all day surfing the internet.

30. Feel free to download and install programs from the Internet. If it doesn't work - or destroys your office PC completely - it was probably a useless machine anyway.

Comments

[nulz.livejournal.com]

i can relate to pretty much all of these. isn't that depressing? especially this...

Remember that it is a huge help for us if you can tell us that last time you had this problem, "somebody just did something and then it worked." This information is the key to everything.

"this happens to me all the time!"
"oh really? how was it fixed last time?"
"the IT guy came and did something then it worked again."

ugh.

When something is wrong with your computer, get your secretary to call IT. Nothing is more exciting than talking to somebody, who doesn't know what the problem is.

"is there no way i can speak to the owner of this computer?"
"no, he's too busy."
"so what exactly happens when he tries to switch on his PC?"
"i don't know, he just told me to phone IT and you'll fix it."

...always. i could go on, but i'll only make myself more annoyed.

[shirenomad]

"i don't know, he just told me to phone IT and you'll fix it."

*brief pause* "There, I fixed it. Have a nice day." *click*

[taleya.livejournal.com]

If you're in an international location, and your laptop has just decided to screw up its citrix ICA software, feel free to ring up and scream at the IT Manager at six-buttfucking-AM and demand a Citrix specialist get out to our datacentre to "Fix the damned server".

Ensure you do this even after troubleshooting has determined the issue to be on your laptop. Real problems always lie with the servers. Especially when you're the only one with the issue.


//So glad I'm outta that job

[alicephilippa.livejournal.com]

23. When something is wrong with your computer, get your secretary to call IT. Nothing is more exciting than talking to somebody, who doesn't know what the problem is.
Similar but not quite the same. When I was working for a certain batwinged company at a small site I was part of a 2 person team doing the IT support there. One day my line manager (the site IT Manager) has been looking into an issue, which turns out is going to need vendor support. I'm asked to phone $vendor to deal with the problem. My words were pretty much, "Hang on. How can I discuss this problem with them when I haven't the faintest idea what it is and what you've tried?"

[lights.livejournal.com]

So tempting.

I do freelance support from home & a recent client told me, "I took it to [small local computer shop] and they fixed it." "Yes, but do you know how?" "..No.. I thought you could ask them." Like even if this shop kept meticulous records on every single customer and every single problem, they'd let ME see them? Wtf.

[shirenomad]

Hey, I fixed every problem I was told about. I don't know why he's complaining.

[lights.livejournal.com]

Because complaining accomplishes so much.

[xforge.livejournal.com]

[$next-incremental-number] When you submit a helpdesk ticket, make sure once it's submitted that you are never, ever at your desk again. Do not answer your phone, do not check your voicemail, do not read your email. If you do check voicemail and email, DO NOT AT ANY COST respond or reply. In three or four weeks, complain to the helpdesk supervisor that your issue hasn't been attended to.

[polarbee.livejournal.com]

Somebody once put in a trouble ticket on a paper shredder. A shredder!

[erunamiryene.livejournal.com]

I'm going to print this out and put it on my cube, just to remind me why I do crappy $28k/yr admin work instead of $50k/yr IT work.

[erunamiryene.livejournal.com]

OMFG, the people at my last job were SO FUCKING BAD about this. And then, of course, *I* got yelled at by the supervisor for "not doing my job".

[xforge.livejournal.com]

I just don't get it, I mean I realize I'm in "customer service" but if I were that incommunicado with *any* other associate for that long, my boss would start to wonder if I was actually y'know, doing *anything.*

[erunamiryene.livejournal.com]

IKR?

My last company has a supposed "policy" that if you can't get in touch with the customer after three tries, you can "resolve" the ticket, but ... yeah, that never happens, because then the irate incommunicado customer calls up his boss, who calls the IT boss to complain, and ... yeah. It sucked being unemployed for almost a year, but I really do not miss that job.

[xforge.livejournal.com]

I have in fact closed tickets after three and four attempts with "I give up, I tried in earnest to contact this associate and failed."

[erunamiryene.livejournal.com]

Haha, nice! :D

[vulpisfoxfire.livejournal.com]

Hmmm. I fear I have to play devil's advocate and provide a corollary or comments to a few of these...

1) When we say we'll drop by, *don't* take a coffee break once we've arrived. We *love* having someone loom over us while we're tryng to work.

2) When the fax/photocopier breaks, don't bother calling IT--we spent the extra money for networked devices for no reason at all, after all. (And as far as the coffee machine--if it's one also used by the IT crew, you *know* that's a priority repair. ;-) )

13) Depends on the Online Help. Some of things were apparently written *by* idiots...

14) I'm guessing that this was supposed to be 'department' rather than 'apartment'? 'department' would make sense. 'apartment'--I'd think that was a machine you'd *want* them to update themselves, rather than dumping it on you...

22) When you need to change the toner, feel free to try to do it yourself. We love getting irate calls from yourself, your boss, and housekeeping from the resultant redecoration due to you not knowing what you're doing. Black speckle is the new style!

[klytus.livejournal.com]

We do the same thing in my company. So long as the case notes show that we made at least three attempts over three days to contact the client by both voice and e-mail, we can close the ticket. And out boss used to work the help desk, so he knows how it goes. So if anybody calls our boss to complain, our boss will then pull up the ticket, read our notes, and then read the *complainer* the riot act for submitting a trouble ticket, yet not making themselves available for working on it. Those calls usually end with, "When you actually have some time to work with the technicians on this issue, feel free to call us back." Click.

[klytus.livejournal.com]

23. When something is wrong with your computer, get your secretary to call IT. Nothing is more exciting than talking to somebody, who doesn't know what the problem is.

Those are the worst! The folks who do this are always "too busy" to make the calls themselves, which means that they're also "too busy" to talk to you about the issue, let alone actually grant you access to their precious (though not-working) computers so you can actually attempt to fix it. But BOY do they get testy when you can't "just fix the problem."

[erunamiryene.livejournal.com]

Yeah, my old bosses had no real IT experience (all business majors), so the techs were kinda screwed. I think it wouldn't have been so bad if we'd had people that had our backs. /jealous

[mephron]

Yes.

I had one where I updated the tickets, which were auto-timestamped, "Call made for more information, no reply." Seven times in three days, on a severity two (resolve in 24 hours) ticket. Also a half-dozen emails, with read-acknowledgements, all deleted without being read. I also documented those.

When my manager came to me to ask what the problem was, I showed it all to him, and said, "He's in Dallas; I can't afford to go there to check it out personally."

Two months later, just after Memorial Day, the same guy started the same thing. I was going to Dallas the following weekend. My manager joked about if I went to help him, he'd put in for reimbursement of one day of hotel and my plane tickets, but we knew it would never go through. It was really tempting, though.

But yeah, if you try to get through and no one responds, it's ridiculous and the only way to deal with it is document, document, document.

(also, is that icon what I think it is? An image from "Have Space Suit, Will Travel"?)

[xforge.livejournal.com]

Yup, it's the title page and/or endpaper art depending on which printing you got. Still my favorite book of all time, even if that "humanity are dangerous warlike primitives who should probably be wiped out but we'll give you guys ONE MORE CHANCE" is a pretty tired trope by now.

[xforge.livejournal.com]

I still get the occasional person in a particular department (coughMarketingcough) who submit URGENT NOW NOW tickets and when I show up to fix it they say "oh you can't interrupt me now, I'm BUSY." Yeah hon, I was busy too HELPING THE TWELVE HUNDRED OTHER PEOPLE WHO WORK FOR THIS COMPANY when I DROPPED EVERYTHING to COME HELP YOU.

[xforge.livejournal.com]

We actually diagnose copiers and fax machines because they're connected to the network we're responsible for. 99 times out of 100 it's "machine is broken, call service department for that manufacturer."

[pne.livejournal.com]

Stuff like that should be enough (at least after a couple of times) to get someone's ability to mark tickets as urgent revoked.

[kiwiria.livejournal.com]

14) LOL!! Yeah, department. The list was in Danish originally, and I translated it to English myself. Any such errors are 100% my fault :-)

[xenelle.livejournal.com]

As a former secretary I had to do this once - he described the problem to me left the computer on and logged in then went to do his clinic hours. Then again as Dean of School he may have had priority service as it was the fastest response I'd seen.

[klytus.livejournal.com]

Ah, but this guy was helpful: by giving a written description of the problem and leaving his system logged in, it gave the techs what they needed to actually do something. Those kinds of clients, we like.

[wolfhound668.livejournal.com]

I can think of at least one real-life example I have of all of these.

Number 23 is my absolute pet-peeve for the last couple of years. I work for a major hospital group in Chicago. F-ing doctors are too important to call IT. That's what they have (clueless) office managers for. Combine a clueless office manager with a clueless helpdesk and you get tickets like the following:

$User at $Location says that $Major_program is slow.

Call $User:

I understand that $Major_program is slow.

Yes.

Is this just for you or for your whole location?

(Pause) I don't use the program but Dr. Big Shot said it was slow.

Ok, is anything else running slow? Like when you go to the internet are sites taking longer to load then normal? ($Major_program is a poorly written web app. Also, they can have a complete network outage and that's the one program they notice isn't working, no fooling)

(Pause to talk to someone else) Dr Other Big Shot said it was running slow too.

Was? Is it working ok now? (This happens, some idiot will run a query in the middle of the day that will slow things down to a crawl until the query is done).

Oh, this was from Saturday. (It is now Wednesday) Everything is fine now, we just thought you should know so you could look into it.

Headdesk.

[xenelle.livejournal.com]

Good to hear, I thought it was a bit odd mostly as I expected more in the way of troubleshooting that I couldn't help with.

[cs-neo.livejournal.com]

Clueless helpdesk is a little common for some software packages in healthcare. The hope is that someone higher up the chain has a clue, and of course that the helpdesk knows who to contact...
That second is the fun one. Nothing like calling 2 weeks after filing a ticket and finding out that the helpdesk sent it to the wrong group, who took 4 days to look at it and then send it to another wrong group...(who was looking at it at the time)...

[wolfhound668.livejournal.com]

Unfortunately no one up the line has a clue. This particular software is has been a thorn in my side for three years. There was talk of replacing it but politics got in the way. Now they've gone an bought a financial package from the same company.

As for sending to the wrong group I have one of those too. Not too long ago we transferred from our own help desk for our group to the corporate help desk. I got a ticket, oh, about a month ago, that should have gone to another group. I happened to know what group it should go to because I was moved out of that same group 4th quarter last year as part of a re-org. I sent it back to the help desk with case notes explaining what group it needed to go to and why. Kind of a "training exercise". She sent a nasty email with the help desk's written policy that if the help desk sends a ticket to the wrong group it is the responsibility of the poor sap that got the ticket to send it on to the correct group and if I ever tried a "stunt" like that I would get written up.

I'd love to have a written policy for my group that if I screwed up it was up to someone else to fix it. :)