Things I Am Not Allowed To Do At Work, Part 3

[delta_mike]

(Previously. Recap: Newly-minted sysadmin, university setting.)

• Install red lights in the Systems office for use by the Night Shift.
• ... or airhorns for surprising the Night Shift.
• Add additional functions to the text-to-speech agents on the undergraduate lab machines without prior approval from Management.
• ... or configure them to reproduce GLaDOS's speech-patterns without approval from Management.
• ... our your own speech-patterns.
• ... especially that god-damned laugh.
• Change the speaking fire-alarm system to say anything other the normal "In the interests of safety, please evacuate the building" message save with express authorization from the Fire Safety Officer.
• ... We especially disapprove of the particular phrase you chose to install prior to the last scheduled fire drill, "Containment failure in Sub-basement Two; unscheduled reactant excursion in progress. You have 15 minutes to reach minimum safe distance."
  Do you have any idea how hard it is to retain good security staff?
• ... No, you still can't take over Security operations.
• Requisition Gurkhas from the MoD for any purpose whatsoever.
• ... This prohibition likewise applies to Gurkhas who have retired.
• Declare martial law.
• Resolve problem tickets of the form "Help, I am over my disk quota!" with the gleeful response, "Fixed!"
• Suggest the best way to stop students from borrowing and not returning Mac VGA adaptors is to attach explosive charges to them.
• ... and when one of the other new Sysadmins asks, "What, the students, or the adaptors?" respond with the words, "Excellent; I can see your training is coming along nicely!"
• ... This is specifically and especially contraindicated in circumstances when the student making the request is still within earshot.
• Accept bribes in any form, including but not limited to: cookies, flasks of Dr. Pepper, or chocolate, in exchange for prioritizing a user's print-job above the others on Project Printing Day.
• Accept ransom in any form, including the aforementioned, in exchange for not suspending a user's print-job on Project Printing Day.
• Reset my password to '); DROP DATABASE;-- shortly before helping evaluate the projects of, as you put it, "final year students with low karma scores".
• Your first words uttered to the new teenaged work experience student shall not be, "Ahh, excellent! Another helper! Before we begin, tell me, you don't have any serious medical conditions that I should be aware of, do you?"
• ... Your new habit of grinning manically and steepling your fingers, whilst less audible than the previously forbidden hideously evil laughter, is likewise contraindicated.
• ... In fact, we'd prefer it if you made some noise when you moved, too.

Total time elapsed in post: 24 days.

(Continued!)

Comments

[aylinn.livejournal.com]

*chortles*

[poly-scott.livejournal.com]

This is my favorite so far.

[egearman.livejournal.com]

It's their own fault if they don't sanitize the inputs.

[mouser.livejournal.com]

... In fact, we'd prefer it if you made some noise when you moved, too.

Uh, had that one happen actually...

[taleya.livejournal.com]

Same here. Along with "Please don't smile like that"

Apparently I unnerve people. THIS PLEASES ME :D

[delta_mike]

I can see from http://glados.biringa.com/list.php that a lot of you are really enjoying that GLaDOS speech effect generator! :-)

Recent additions include:

• “Hark what rock through yonder window breaks”
• “You've got Nagios Mail!”
• “how are you gentlemen? You have no chance to survive make your time.”
• “Hello you PIECE OF CRAP”
• “This next test involves test subject response time to ringing bells.”
• “I am really very disappointed in you. I thought we were getting along so well.”
• “poke”
• “I told you not to touch that!”
• “Attention patrons. The building will close in five minutes. Please prepare your things to leave for the evening.”
• “Attention. Emergency. All personal must evacuate immediately. You now have fifteen minutes to reach minimum safe distance.”

[emsporter.livejournal.com]

Husband was asked to tie a cat collar style bell to his shoelaces, owing to his ability to just appear at someone's shoulder silently. In steelcap boots.

They were miffed when he demonstrated his ability to continue to move silently whilst belled.

[wolfhound668.livejournal.com]

I've been threatened with the bell as well. No one has ever managed to tie it on though.

[grayhawkfh.livejournal.com]

... In fact, we'd prefer it if you made some noise when you moved, too.

Yeah, the boss and other sysadmin have hit me with that one. They have a hard time believeing that a 6'4" 375+ lb person moves with almost no noise whatsoever...

[snyperwolf.livejournal.com]

Am I the only one who knows to keep my completely silent movement under wraps? (until the perfect moment, that is) Did you all even finish ninja training?

[ghostdandp.livejournal.com]

I dropped out, I didn't like the way the outfit looked

[hlwoods.livejournal.com]

Some of us don't do it on purpose. :)

[mouser.livejournal.com]

It's best to ninja them and THEN to deliberately make the noises they prefer.

[agmlego.livejournal.com]

I try to walk noisily. I do. I even use the rattling steel stairs instead of the quiet wooden ones. I still scare my coworkers.

[hiroe.livejournal.com]

See, i use the combo-breaker of lots of jangly keys on a carabiner, and a pocket full of silver half-dollars, so the others are *used* to my making noise. Then when i need to move silently, it has all the more effect.

[agmlego.livejournal.com]

Hmm, I could try the keys bit.

[caralindacat.livejournal.com]

I once had a coworker declare that she wouldn't be surprised if I went on a rampage and murdered everyone in the building because, as she put it, "you're one of those quiet creepy stalker types". I lol'd. She never sat with me at lunch hour again.

[yanni85.livejournal.com]

I have been officially labelled the office ninja and they haven't even seen my full range of ninja skills.

[awarrenfells.livejournal.com]

My Ninja skills were as such, that everyone at work called me Batman. XD