The anti-anti virus email

[spooforbrains.livejournal.com]

A friend of mine just sent out this magnum opus, the kind of mail I have always wanted to write but have never had the nerve (for fear of humiliating the idiot who sent out the original missive). I think I'm going to print it out and put it on my wall.

(Names have been changed to protect the gullible)


Dear Arthur et all,

Any email which purports to be an 'anti virus' email or tells you to email everyone you know is a load of bull, every time. Categorically.
Viruses do not 'burn' the hard drive, and no virus writer - with even a modicum of brains will use a fixed file name for their payload. Especially not the one making the 'most dangerous virus in the world' and anyway, wiping the boot sector is something the stoner virus did ... #IN 1983#.

In any case, Microsoft, CNN, the BBC, the Archbishop of Canterbury, the Pope or James Bond oh, oh seven will not - and I can say this categorically, ever refer to a virus as the worst ever! It would be stupid hyperbola and play to the authors ego.

If such existed you'd know because these companies,people and (probably) fictional personalities would take out full page advertisements in the newspaper, and put big flashing warning messages with bright red background on their collective websites, and the police and intellegence services would be banging on the doors.

Having checked MI5's website (along with the NSA, NASA, IBM, GOOGLE, MICROSOFT and THE MOST EXCELLENT WEBPAGE IN THE WHOLE ENTIRE WORLD), I can therefore categorically tell you that this is a joke written by some juivenile delinquent who wants to find out how many guliable people exist in the world.

I also consulted a pint of warm best bitter black sheet beer, and it concurred with me.

Please, in future, don't be one of those people who feels that they need to run naked down the street, with a sign covering their modesty saying 'I forward mails that say the worst email virus in the world is coming to get us all, and it is going to eat my pet rabbit and turn my dog into a rabid rabbi'.

Lots of love, your irrepresible brother,



Zaphod
Hanging out in the getto shoot'n pool with my man, the main man, 007.

(ding dong, excuse me, I have a man in a dodgy black looking suit and overcoat at my door with dark shades.. I have to go... Looks like someone has found me!)


-original message-
...BLAH BLAH BLAH ....
PLEASE FORWARD THIS WARNING AMONG FRIENDS, FAMILY AND

CONTACTS!

... BLAH BLAH ...
It is a virus which opens a postcard image, which 'burns'
... BLAH BLAH BLAH ...
This is the worst virus announced by CNN. It has been

classified by
... BLAH BLAH BLAH ...
Microsoft as the most destructive virus ever. This virus

was

discovered by McAfee recently, and there is no repair yet

for this

kind of virus.
... BLAH BLAH OH SCARY DIDDUMS BLAH BLAH ...

This virus simply destroys the Zero Sector of the Hard Disc,

... WOOO TECHNICAL DETAIL.... !NOT! ....

where the vital

information is kept.


... BLAH BLAH, BLAH BLAH.. DOUBLE BLAH..

If you believe this I have a large iceblock called antarctica which I have exclusive rights to sell you, please send me £5 attached to a postcard and I'll ask my best mate, the russian prime minister to give you the keys...

BLAH BLAH BLAH.

Comments

[naggy.livejournal.com]

I always liked the Good Times spoof.

http://www.cs.rutgers.edu/~watrous/goodtimes-spoof.html

[mouser.livejournal.com]

Oh and here is a link to SNOPES which they say agrees even though I never clicked it! (I really love that part!)

[agmlego.livejournal.com]

I may just have to edit that myself and add it to my growing collection of boilerplate clue-by-four emails.

--
"Memento Mori Ergo Carpe Diem"

[azurelunatic]

Ha, I got the 'burn' virus warning emailed in to the tech address at work. Round-filed, as we do with all such 'I will mail everyone in my contacts list' things.

The best mass-distributed email that I ever personally got [at work] was as follows:

Yesterday, someone hacked into my email. They sent a message out to many of you indicating that I was in need of money and asking you to wire it.
I don't believe any of you did that. I certainly hope not. It was a scam. I am safe and sound in [hometown] and not in need of your money.
It has taken me the day to get back into my email because Hotmail apparently recognized the scam and changed the password.
Thanks to [some dude] for helping me get back in.
Nevertheless, I appreciate the show of support and concern that I received throughout the day.
It was a wonderful oppertunity to talk to many of you I haven't heard from for some time.

Again thanks for you concern but please don't send any money.
[customer]

[ashonaut.livejournal.com]

I love that! Especially when Snopes says, "Yeah, the virus exists, but.. everything else in that email is BS."

[agmlego.livejournal.com]

I have several already...

• ...addressing the sending of Office attachments (first, second times)
  
• ...addressing the sending of unsubscribe messages to lists
  
• ...addressing the rude asking for help in fields I am not familiar with
  
• ...addressing the polite asking for help in fields I am not familiar with
  
• ...addressing the sending of Office attachments (third, fourth times)
  
• ...addressing the sending of Office attachments (fifth time)
  
• ...addressing the sending of Office attachments (sixth time)

And a couple others treating specific, work-related issues.

--
"Memento Mori Ergo Carpe Diem"

[katejaneway.livejournal.com]

Actually when I read that I LoLed, if you want anti-virus that's completely useless & eats most of your processes, that makes most of your programs not work, get McAfee. I love how it searches for spyware too, but never actually finds any of the 250+ that I found on my room mates computer with AdAware >_>

Virus Alert?

[yanni85.livejournal.com]

Hey, everyone, listen up, your attention if you please
We wanna give you a warning
'Cause I found out this morning
About a dangerous, insidious computer virus
If you should get it, an email with the subject, 'stinky cheese'
Better off protecting your chances
Under no circumstances, should you open it
Or else it will

Translate your documents into Swahili
Make your TV record "Gigli"
Neuter your pets, and give you laundry static cling
Look out!
It's gonna make your computer screen freeze
Look out!
Erase the Easter eggs off your DVDs
Look out!
Erase your hard drive and your backups too
And the hard drive of anyone related to you

Virus alert!
Delete immediately before someone gets hurt!
Forward this message on to everybody

Soon, very soon, it will make all the paint peel off your walls
It'll make your keyboard all sticky
Give your poodle a hickey
And invest your cash in stock in Euro Disney
Then, it will tie up your phone, making prank long-distance calls
It'll set your clocks back an hour and start clogging the shower
So just trash it now, or else it will

Decide to give you a permanent wedgie,
Legally change your name to Reggie,
Even mess up the pH balance in your pool

Look out!
It's gonna melt your face right off your skull
Look out!
And make your iPod only play Jethro Tull
Look out!
And tell you knock-knock jokes while you're trying to sleep
Look out!
And make you physically attracted to sheep
Look out!
Steal your identity and your credit card
Look out!
Buy you a warehouse full of pink leotards
Look out!
Then cause a major rift in time and space
And leave a bunch of Twinkie wrappers all over the place
That's right it's a

Virus alert!
Delete immediately before someone gets hurt!
Forward this message on to everybody

Virus alert!
Delete immediately before someone gets hurt!
Forward this message on to everybody
Warn all your friends, send this to everybody
Tell everyone you know, tell everybody now

If you get infected, you'll wish you had never been born
So before it emails your grandmother all of your porn
Turn off your computer and make sure it powers down
Drop it in a forty-three-foot hole in the ground
Bury it completely; rocks and boulders should be fine
Then burn all the clothes you may have worn any time you were alive!

Virus alert!
Delete immediately before someone gets hurt!
Forward this message on to everybody

Virus alert!
Delete immediately before someone gets hurt!
Forward this message on to everybody

Virus alert!
Delete immediately before someone gets hurt!
Forward this message on to everybody
Warn all your friends, send this to everybody
Tell everyone you know, tell everybody now
What are you waiting for?
Just hurry up and forward this to every single person that you know!
Hit send right now!

[yanni85.livejournal.com]

And this is why I should refresh comments before posting.

[agmlego.livejournal.com]

I might. I would have to grab them off the machine I store them on, but I would be willing to upload some of them later today and post a link here.

--
"Memento Mori Ergo Carpe Diem"

[pikaporeon.livejournal.com]

Snopes probably started that email off of their spam servers

[pikaporeon.livejournal.com]

"Goodtimes will make you fall in love with a penguin"

Most viruses do that.

[hisamishness.livejournal.com]

This could be interesting.... *grins*

I'm already thinking of how to present the message above to my Dad. He's mostly trained from my previous emails explaining such issues, but not quite completely.

[simoncion.livejournal.com]

Hotmail apparently recognized the scam and changed the password.

This is the bestest part.

zOMGz!!

[azzy23.livejournal.com]

TEH GOODTIMES WILL SODOMIZE YOUR PET RABBIT!!

[kalium.livejournal.com]

Consider it a public service.

[jjjiii]

hyperbola, lol. I think common sense and this guy's train of thought are asymptotic.

[the-s-guy.livejournal.com]

Or some people are just 'guliable'? :)

I'm surprised no one has posted these yet

[bex-is-roxor.livejournal.com]

I usually reply with the first one to anything snopesable

VIRUS WARNING
This virus warning is genuine.

There is a new virus going around, called "work." If you receive any sort of "work" at all, whether via email, internet or simply handed to you by a colleague...DO NOT OPEN IT.

This has been circulating around our building for months and those who have been tempted to open "work" or even look at "work" have found that their social life is deleted and their brain ceases to function properly.

If you do encounter "work" via email or are faced with any "work" at all, then to purge the virus, send an email to your boss with the words "I've had enough of your crap... I'm off to the pub." The "work" should automatically be forgotten by your brain. If you receive "work" in paper-document form, simply lift the document and drag the "work" to your garbage can. Put on your hat and coat and skip to the nearest bar with two friends and order three pints of beer (or rum punch). After repeating this action 14 times, you will find that "work" will no longer be of any relevance to you and that "Scooby Doo" was the greatest cartoon ever.

Send this message to everyone in your address book. If you do NOT have anyone in your address book, then I'm afraid the "work" virus has already corrupted your life.

Or

Beware, Voyeurwebbers! There is a dangerous virus being passed electronically, orally and by hand.

This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest pub. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolator-Neutralizer-Extractor (WINE). The quickest acting WINE type is called Swift-Hitting-Infiltrator-Remover-All-Zones (SHIRAZ) but this is only available for those who can afford it. The next best equivalent is Cheapest-Available-System-Killer (CASK). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

Forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life. This virus is DEADLY(Destroys-Every-Available-Decent-Living-Youngster).

Update 05-05-05: After extensive testing it has been concluded that Best-Equivalent-Extractor-Remedy (BEER) may be substituted for WINE but may require a more generous application.