Times when you shouldn't call tech support

[lihan161051.livejournal.com]

• While you're driving a car (my personal favorite as stupid moves go)


• While you're at the office, if the product is at home


• Above, vice versa


• While you're moving to a new house


• While you're remodeling a house


• While you're eating (ugh .. nausea)


• While you're waiting for your new product to be shipped and you don't actually have it yet


• While your kids are playing a MMORPG and can't be knocked off the LAN (if you want me to be at all helpful fixing routing issues, at least)


• While your kids are in attention-starved mode and won't let you concentrate on anything much more complicated than scratching your head


• ^kids are^spouse is^


• ^spouse^dog^


• ^dog^cat^

I probably forgot some things, but you get the idea. Especially the eating thing .. put the fscking sandwich down at least while you're talking.

(I was going to add certain regional accents and personality characteristics, but I'm virtually certain to offend people if I include those and it would generate more heat than light ..)

Comments

[azzy23.livejournal.com]

You forgot:

While you're using the toilet.

[two-pi-r.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I got the first few pretty often when I was helldesk.

P: So click on this, then this.
L: Okay...
P: And what does that say?
L: Oh. I was writing this down for later. I'm in my car, heading home.
P: No, I actually wanted you to follow these steps so I can see what's going on. Please call back when you're actually at your computer.

[gremlingirl.livejournal.com]

I've had a couple of calls that needed me to hold so the caller could go kick his chicken. No joke. Of course, I was sort of grateful after the chicken buggered off because then I could hear.

[two-pi-r.livejournal.com]

Oh, and the ever-favorite:

L: What's your mailing address?
P: [blahdittyblah]
L: Okay can you repeat that while I pull over and get a pen?
P (thinking): How about you call back when it's actually safe for you to be on the phone?

[canray.livejournal.com]

While you're having the Stupid.

While you think you need an electrician in order to "Unplug something from the Con-Ed in the same way you would a toaster or hair dryer." (I was dealing with New York at the time.)

While the person who has the computer's password is not available due to be in some Third-World Country protesting the War (No, I'm not joking.).

When the computer is on fire.

When the house is on fire.

[crywolf.livejournal.com]

If it was a business in New York City, they probably did need someone from the electrician's union to unplug something. Unplugging something yourself in a union shop will get a grievance filed against you.

[mrs-whiskerson.livejournal.com]

While you're waiting for your new product to be shipped and you don't actually have it yet

I once got a call from a woman wanting help writing a query for an access database. We discussed exactly what she wanted from the query and various other things, including the differing functions of forms, tables, queries and reports and the best part of an hour into this out-of-the-goodness-of-my-heart one-to-one Access Telephone Tutorial she started getting frustrated because I couldn't just give her a click this, click this, click this list that would give her the desired result. So we went back a few steps:
Me: What are the fields called and which tables are they in?
Woman: I don't know.
Me: Is the mdb somewhere on the network? Can I have a look at it?
Woman: I don't know.
Me: Well how are you opening it when you look at it?
Woman: Oh, I'm not opening it. I haven't made it yet. I'm waiting for *department* to give me the data.

[spooforbrains.livejournal.com]

Or on the job ...

[spooforbrains.livejournal.com]

Kick His Chicken? Is that a euphamism?

[spooforbrains.livejournal.com]

Now THAT'S forward planning ...

[lihan161051.livejournal.com]

Oh. Ew. Haven't had that one yet, as far as I know. I've had just about everything else imaginable, but for some reason, not that. Thankfully. :)

(Although, to be fair, the person calling from the same room as a couple having very loud and enthusiastic sex wasn't for a tech support job, it was an earlier phone bank job..)

[lihan161051.livejournal.com]

At least they're not trying to actually troubleshoot something while driving. Seen that a few times too. 8/

[lihan161051.livejournal.com]

Those I get all the time, unfortunately. (Not the computer/house on fire, thankfully, although I've heard rumors, and the service tech who called us instead of the police when an irate customer threatened him with a gun if he didn't repair the machine right that second.)

Unfortunately, one popular one is "oh, I don't have any of those passwords [i.e. none of about half a dozen that are absolutely necessary to fix, well, anything], my son/daughter/cousin/whatever gave me this computer and they set it all up for me [and thus bypassed a setup assistant whose ENTIRE PURPOSE is to make sure they remember those passwords when THEY set them up].."

[lihan161051.livejournal.com]

Also known as No, Ma'am, We Will Not Design Your Database For You. :)

(Or Compose Your HTML For You, or Write Your Document For You, or what have you.)

(When I design DB tables, especially supplemental subtables, they tend to have linked-list functions in them. Not only would I never, ever, want to talk somebody through that over the phone, I would never, ever, want to explain over the phone how the code to maintain the linkages works. :D )

[glitteringlynx.livejournal.com]

Yeh, I was going to mention that one.

[glitteringlynx.livejournal.com]

When you're no where NEAR the device you need to troubleshoot.

[gremlingirl.livejournal.com]

No. Sadly. It sounded like the damn thing was on his desk clucking and scraping.

[canray.livejournal.com]

Residential service.

[mrs-whiskerson.livejournal.com]

Had two further (and longer) conversations about design with her. Tried and tried to explain. Both before she started and after she screwed it up. She is currently perfectly happy with her 7 tables that all have the same set of core fields (10 or so) and then a couple of fields related to that specific table. I've never seen anything quite like it. I'm amazed she manages any queries at all.

[canray.livejournal.com]

Yeah... "I don know nuttin' 'bout dis computer! Muh Son dun gave it to me!"

[canray.livejournal.com]

Yeah. When you were put into the queue, you may have been free, and the Crotch Dropplings were alseep or distracted by the lead paint chips then, but, when someone is finally able to answer 45-minutes later (because the company is too cheap to hire sufficient staff) they might be back at it...

[canray.livejournal.com]

When they're child called complaining that it isn't working, and FIX IT! FIX IT NOW!!!

[antikythera.livejournal.com]

When you're stoned! He's called a couple of times, says he doesn't know a thing about computers but knows everything about plants from the South, and could tell me how to grow the best marijuana. He loves it when I say stuff like 'No worries' if he apologizes for being slow, because 'Canadians are so laid-back'.

[jon787.livejournal.com]

Its also a good idea not to call your IT guy's phone repeatedly while he is on the toilet. He might decide to answer it and describe his poop to you over the phone.

[alstaria.livejournal.com]

Ah, you must work at a Uni help desk like me...

poor soul.