Idiot VARs
Jul. 10th, 2007 04:08 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
darkrose.livejournal.com posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
techrecoveryNew-ish here. Joined a few weeks ago, been lurking for the most part.. I've been in IT professionally for 12 years, and geeking out on computers since I was 5 (I'm 32 now, do the math)..
Anyhow, I've worked at a small software firm/e-commerce company for 5 years or so now, and I've become quite convinced that "VAR" stands for "Very Aggravating Retards" as you will see below. Now mind you I've got a severe case of Clerks-itis (I'm not even supposed to be here today!) when it comes to supporting people because it's not my primary job function, but the boss is out of town and there's really no one else qualified to answer the phone intelligently, so *shrug* guess who gets stuck with it (My official title is Linux Admin for the record).
Anyhow, so there's this VAR that I am intimately familiar with. We'll call him Bob. Bob calls us about once every 2-3 weeks and every time he gets any of us on the phone, the first thing that passes our lips after he starts explaining the problem is "What is the error message?". Guess who never has the error message available.
So 3-4 minutes later after he's managed to duplicate the issue, I propose a solution. One he inevitably doesn't like. So what does he do? Rather than actually trying the solution, he argues. So another 5 minutes wasted with me trying to explain to him not only why we should try a particular course of action, but that it's imperative that if he wants to satisfy his customers, he should follow my directions and help me help him. Usually then it's a brief lecture about how troubleshooting requires us to try things, etc. 9 times out of 10 he's actually surprised when things magically work after he decided to pay attention and follow my instructions.
Today, he called because he was getting a particular error relating to opening a file in a built in development server. After the usual rigamarole about the error message, he says:
Him: It says "Cannot find file $path".
Me: Ok, and are the files in $path?
Him: Oh yes! I copied them from a backup!
Me: Ok, are you SURE they're in $path?
Him: Absolutely.
Me: Ok, let's search for them [and I had to walk him through that, too!].
Him: Ok, it found one file by that name in $notpath.
Me: ...
Me: So um, the files were in $path, then why are they in $notpath?
Him: I swear! I copied them to $path!!!!
Me: Ok, copy them to from $notpath to $path and let's see what happens.
Him: Why won't you believe me that I copied the files to $path!!
Me: Bob, please just copy the files over.
Him: Ok, done.
Me: Now try it again..
Him: Hey, it works!
Me: [muted] Yeah, because my 4 year old's a genius compared to you dumba$$.
My boss won't ditch him as a VAR because he sells too much software. Unfortunately, he knows nothing about what the product actually does, how to set it up, etc. He just calls us for that.
Anyhow, I've worked at a small software firm/e-commerce company for 5 years or so now, and I've become quite convinced that "VAR" stands for "Very Aggravating Retards" as you will see below. Now mind you I've got a severe case of Clerks-itis (I'm not even supposed to be here today!) when it comes to supporting people because it's not my primary job function, but the boss is out of town and there's really no one else qualified to answer the phone intelligently, so *shrug* guess who gets stuck with it (My official title is Linux Admin for the record).
Anyhow, so there's this VAR that I am intimately familiar with. We'll call him Bob. Bob calls us about once every 2-3 weeks and every time he gets any of us on the phone, the first thing that passes our lips after he starts explaining the problem is "What is the error message?". Guess who never has the error message available.
So 3-4 minutes later after he's managed to duplicate the issue, I propose a solution. One he inevitably doesn't like. So what does he do? Rather than actually trying the solution, he argues. So another 5 minutes wasted with me trying to explain to him not only why we should try a particular course of action, but that it's imperative that if he wants to satisfy his customers, he should follow my directions and help me help him. Usually then it's a brief lecture about how troubleshooting requires us to try things, etc. 9 times out of 10 he's actually surprised when things magically work after he decided to pay attention and follow my instructions.
Today, he called because he was getting a particular error relating to opening a file in a built in development server. After the usual rigamarole about the error message, he says:
Him: It says "Cannot find file $path".
Me: Ok, and are the files in $path?
Him: Oh yes! I copied them from a backup!
Me: Ok, are you SURE they're in $path?
Him: Absolutely.
Me: Ok, let's search for them [and I had to walk him through that, too!].
Him: Ok, it found one file by that name in $notpath.
Me: ...
Me: So um, the files were in $path, then why are they in $notpath?
Him: I swear! I copied them to $path!!!!
Me: Ok, copy them to from $notpath to $path and let's see what happens.
Him: Why won't you believe me that I copied the files to $path!!
Me: Bob, please just copy the files over.
Him: Ok, done.
Me: Now try it again..
Him: Hey, it works!
Me: [muted] Yeah, because my 4 year old's a genius compared to you dumba$$.
My boss won't ditch him as a VAR because he sells too much software. Unfortunately, he knows nothing about what the product actually does, how to set it up, etc. He just calls us for that.
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no subject
Date: 2007-07-10 08:39 pm (UTC)lol
Where they find those guys is beyond me.
no subject
Date: 2007-07-10 09:12 pm (UTC)Buzzwords for the win.
no subject
Date: 2007-07-10 09:23 pm (UTC)I took a call from one, once, where the guy was asking questions about a specific product. Now, that's Sales' job, but it was slow, and I was bored, so I started telling him about it. The model in question was a two port micro-switch, which was basically a glorified media converter/port extender. The guy interrupts me to ask if we make anything smaller. So I tell him the unit is fairly small, about the size (and weight) of a deck of cards, when he comes back with this:
"No, I mean smaller. Do you make a model with just one port?"
"..."
no subject
Date: 2007-07-11 02:07 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-07-11 05:36 am (UTC)That right there segfaulted my brain....
..... I need booze now.... and painkillers....
OUCH
no subject
Date: 2007-07-12 03:45 am (UTC)