A laptop is. A. LAPTOP!

[gilmoure.livejournal.com]

Background: Every user at my work has a desktop and a laptop.

User calls in, their life is about to end because 'teh server's down' (IE doesn't find MySpace or some such).

Gilmoure: "Can I remote in?"

User: "Yes, oh thank you!"

Gilmoure: "Are you on your laptop or desktop?"

User: "I'm on my desktop."

Gilmoure: "I don't see it online." -or- "No one is logged on." (blink-blink)

User: (blink-blink)

Gilmoure: "Are you on your desktop or laptop?"

User: "I'm on my laptop. I use it as my desktop."

Gilmoure: "Ah, so the last 3 minutes of my life are wasted (I average over 100 calls a day; those 3 minutes add up) because you are so stupid you can't tell the difference between a large ass honking tower and a laptop computer. Aaaaugh!" (breaks fingers repeatedly mashing the "2x4 to the customer's head" button.)

Dear Users,

A laptop is a god damn fucking laptop. I don't care if you have it sitting on a desk or are wearing as an expensive pair of Depends. I don't care if you balance it on your head, spin around in your chair and make motor boat noises (and still make more money than me) It. Is. A. Fucking. Laptop!

Be very glad I don't have the full bitch psychic (psychotic?) powers that you assume I do, when you email in "Printer Bad" or "Internet broke". Because if I did have the powers to decipher your grunts and scratches and just 'know' what the hell has climbed up your ass today, I would also have the power to telekinetically rearrange your body so that your ass was attached to your neck and your head was the end of your alimentary canal. No doubt, this would improve conversation with you, when you're not too busy to actually call and shower us with your wisdom (there's smoke coming out of the cd drive. Is email down?) and instead send an email with OMGWTF!!! NEED IT FIXES NOW! status when it clearly states on the email form page; 24 hour response time.

Oh, what the hell, just go die or play golf or something. Just stay the hell of my networks and computers!

Your loving tech monkey,

Gilmoure

Comments

[heinous_bitca.livejournal.com]

Heh, my favorite is when I have an assistant come and ask me how to turn on their boss's computer, as they need to get something off of it that's VERY IMPORTANT. Your boss is on a laptop. That monitor that's on their desk now? JUST A MONITOR. The computer itself is WITH YOUR BOSS. No, I CAN'T turn it on for you! That really is JUST A MONITOR.

[gilmoure.livejournal.com]

But, but, teh pictures and words show up there. GET THEM BACK!

[artimusdin.livejournal.com]

I... I know I'm going to sound horribly, insanely naive. But oh god, they really say things like that?

... what little faith in humanity I had left after working retail has gone down the drain thanks to this community. I ♥ you guys. Really I do.

[heinous_bitca.livejournal.com]

Yes, yes they do.

They see a monitor, a keyboard, and a mouse on the desk. So they think that there is an actual computer there.

FORTUNATELY, the occurrences of this have gone down the more laptops we've gotten in use. But of course, that just means more dropped laptops and more repair bills.

[redqueenmeg.livejournal.com]

Hee! And the tower is not a "modem" and the monitor is not the "computer" and the fact that you are at work but not right next to the server you want to get to does NOT mean it is a "remote access/VPN" issue!

[hangar.livejournal.com]

Siiiiigh. When I deal with stupid people, I feel a need for a "Techie needs hug" button.

[kamala-1.livejournal.com]

At least laptops are too big to fit in the toilet. When you introduce your PDA to Mr. Hanky, teh pictures and word are neveh coming back!

[canray.livejournal.com]

I, on numerous occasions when people tell me "I should already know this", have stated, "OK, now I shall utilize my Tele-Pathetic Powers to fix the problem. Is it fixed now? No? Well then, we'll just have to go through the regular routine."

[jjjiii]

Uh... Notebook?

[artimusdin.livejournal.com]

Sadly though, that's not them being more educated, that's just them being stupid in an entirely different way.