don't quit your day job, buddy

[ebtb.livejournal.com]

I <3 the whackos!  The entire email 3 pages, but here are the more amusing highlights...

• Dear Sir/Madam/Mr./Mrs./Ms./Miss/Fuzzy-faced teenage computer guru/or whoever might be concerned with my problem...
• My PC just tells me it is a bad boy and recommends that I execute it post-haste by ordering my anti-spyware minions to remove the sucker...
• I don't want this Frankenstein to keep growing back until it does some real damage to my computer...
• ...makes me wonder about my little Secret Service or CIA/FBI buddy in the computer, and what he will find tonight that perhaps is running a-muck in the recesses of my hard drive, motherboard, processor, and RAM memory chips.
• ...and cause me to lose all my files and then consider murdering my computer and the little gremlins inside, or maybe casting myself in front of a speeding train if I get audited by the IRS.
• So I consider myself a tongue-in-cheek wanna-be comedian, but seriously I would appreciate any help your own "Geek Squad" could give me in determining what to do about the unwanted Trojan horse...
• I will be out of town until the end of next week (now don't post that info on Burglars-R-US, because my son is still here, and the house is protected not only by a burglar alarm but also by Smith & Wesson, Glock, Colt, and several other of my little friends, who will say hello to anyone who breaches the perimeter of the compound!!! I wish computer security were as easy as the click click of a good pump action riot shotgun!
• If you think I could  make it as a free-lance contributer for a humor column in your company newsletter have your people get in touch with my people and we will discuss the terms of the contract!

Comments

[violetvixen.livejournal.com]

at least it's insanity of a different flavor. Or rather several flavors for this one. lol

[adamjaskie.livejournal.com]

He would have better success as a humour columnist if he learned to spell "amok" properly.

[ebtb.livejournal.com]

LOL I was just thinking the exact same thing!

[lihan161051.livejournal.com]

Last time I checked, there were about a hundred customers in the system listed as "Dale Gribble", and maybe another fifty listed as "Rusty Shackelford", with the city given as "Arlen, TX".

That's the code for the ones who go completely ballistic and tinfoil-hat paranoid when you ask them for their phone number. Which is the first step in creating a case for them. Usually that sets the tone for the entire remainder of the call, especially if they have a machine that I know for a fact is not only expired complimentary support, but was manufactured about 8 years ago and is so obsolete I'm one of like a dozen or two people here who even know anything about it, and they reach an even higher order of magnitude of ballistic when they're absolutely convinced all support for everything they ever bought from us should be free. ("Yessir, Mr. Grib -- uh, Shackleford -- we'll have your pizza right out. Yes, we know where you live, don't worry.")

Sometimes they're funny. Sometimes they're very much not. (Don't get me started on the lady who ranted at me for 2 hours about the radiation exposure from her monitor. Which happens to be an LCD.)

[phaedra-13.livejournal.com]

At least the person HAS a sense of humor...I particularly like the "anti-spyware minions." Anyone know where I can get an army of those?

So after three pages of his/her attempt at comedy...was the gist of the e-mail "please help me remove the load of viruses and other things infecting my PC?"