Selective Deafness Epidemic Spreading Across UK! News At Eleven!

[bubosquared.livejournal.com]

Seven calls into my working week and already five of them have demonstrated the First Rule of Tech Support: "Never trust the customer's assesment of the problem." Because for every person who does, in fact, know what they're talking about, there's twenty who see "Please enter your product key code" and then call claiming they need to acticvate their desktop software. (No, you need to enter your damned product key code.)

And this is why, a lot of the time, my job could be done by a recording of me going "What error message are you getting? Sir, please could you read me out exactly what it says on the screen? Sir, please just read me the error message." Augh! (And this is how you tell the people who know what they're talking about from the rest, because they will at best start out by telling you the error message, and at worst only need to be asked to do so once. And they know how to bloody well follow directions. "Okay, so select UK there and press OK." "It says Alpine Ski Region, press OK?" "... No."

I love my job, I love my job, I love my job, ...

Comments

[gilmoure.livejournal.com]

I think it has something to do with Halloween candy, here in the States. Have been seeing a rise in such deafness over here as well.

[major-error.livejournal.com]

I love my job, I love my job, I love my job, ...

No you don't!
You're a masochist that likes a paycheck ;)

Good call on the First Rule. These need to be visibly well-documented somewhere...
The second should be, "The customer will obfuscate information so as to influence the outcome in their favor."
Third, "The customer is deaf. The cluebat will have limited effect."

[bubosquared.livejournal.com]

Sadly, I do in fact love my job. I worked in Customer Service for two and a half years before this, so I've nailed the exact tone of voice that has the most soothing effect on people, and can switch it on and off at will. (Often to the bewilderment of my co-workers, especially when I go from snarling "Fuck off!" at the phone to my cheerful professional voice to snarling "I can kill you with my brain, and so help me god, I will!")

I've successfully talked half-blind, half-dead octogenarians through hour-and-a-half-long procedures, for god's sake, I just ... Is it that much to ask that people listen?

*wanders off in search of a stiff drink*

[kallell.livejournal.com]

see, this is how i tell good tech support.

How can I help you?
yes i a doesnt work and i have tried b c d f g h i j
Well have you tried e
. . . no, give me a second
[pause]
ok it works now (or) nope still not working
Ok thanks for calling (or) of we will send outa tech/transfer tyou to level 2/send out a replacement asap


I find sayingi know what i am doing is never effective, proving it is, and if it isnt 9 times out of 10 i am smarter then the particular tech i am talking to, the question then is am i able to train the tech to get the answer i need (like dns settings and such which would have been a quick question untilthey made it . . not so quick)

[bubosquared.livejournal.com]

I find sayingi know what i am doing is never effective, proving it is

Exactly! Except a lot of people seem to think that the way to prove what you're doing is to throw lots of buzzwords around without knowing that they mean, which is another headache entirely. Ow.

[the-s-guy.livejournal.com]

Oh yes, The Voice.

My favorite one is the fuzzy velvet voice that makes callers forget that they were going to ask me another question, and hang up instead.

Also good for forestalling rants. "Listen to the Velvet Voice. You will obey the Velvet Voice. The Velvet Voice is your friend. You feel fuzzy and comfortable. Everything is just fine and all taken care of. Bye bye." *kevorkian disconnect*

[kallell.livejournal.com]

i used to take calls for people with "DLS" lines, you never can correct them to understanding

[bubosquared.livejournal.com]

It often takes me five minutes of Twenty Questions to figure out what they have and what, vaguely, the problem is. Think the equivalent of people calling the computer "the modem" or whatever, except more frequent.

And that's not even getting into the confusion about the difference between GPS and GPRS ...