phone greetings

[ebtb.livejournal.com]

Since you probably have to do it a hundred (or more) times a day... if you had your choice, how would you answer the phones? Anything goes... Personally, I'd go with:

(In a cheery voice) Thank you for calling tech support, whaddya fuck up?

Comments

[pisceandreamer.livejournal.com]

OMG, so many options. :)

But I think it would be something along the lines of, "And what did we screw up today!?"

[malgrep.livejournal.com]

Lately I would have to go with "Tech support, if you hear any screaming it is just the last person that called me"

[ghostdandp.livejournal.com]

Just a simple "Have you rebooted? No? Reboot."

[brothersterno.livejournal.com]

My current favorite is simply: "Hello, this is Steve!"

(My name is Eric)

Of course, not having any long introduction is a weapon in and of itself, because it puts the cursetomer off balance immediately.

[usekh.livejournal.com]

Welcome to technical support. Reboot then call us back *click*

[vulpine137.livejournal.com]

"Sic semper evello mortem tyrannus!!!"

For the non-Latin speakers..."Thus death always comes to tyrants."

I also think tech support hold music should be something from the Exorcist or Omen, get them in the mood. :)

[shirenomad]

"Hello, you've reached technical support. This call may be monitored with our new SMITE(TM) technology."

"Hello, you've reached technical support. Glad I could help you." *CLICK*

"WAZZUP?!?"

Or if I feel like REALLY confusing them: "Hello, you've reached Mike's House of Whips and Chains."

[dukesnorre.livejournal.com]

"Hello IT, have you tried turning it off and on again?"
— Roy, the IT Crowd (who later goes on to automate it and follow-ups)

[kait-the-great.livejournal.com]

"Where are you located? I'll just come there..."

/university faculty help-desk

[kalium.livejournal.com]

When I walk into the office, I usually ask "so, what's blown up recently?"

Mostly it's a joke, but there was that one time when all the batteries in a UPS batt tray went all bad and bulgey at once.

[jecook]

I usually answer the phone at work short and sweet: "IT, this is jecook". My cell is even shorter.

[swwinchester.livejournal.com]

Ahh, see, back before we were Geeks, Best Buy's techs had no set, formal greetings, so I was in the habit of actually saying the following to customers walking up with things to fix : "Hi, what can I break for you today?"

... the sick thing is 3/4 of them didn't seem to notice that I hadn't asked what I could FIX today ... the other quarter was either suddenly mood-shifted from glum to amused, or very rarely, from unamused to extremely unamused.

[swwinchester.livejournal.com]

I do something similar to the last one when answering my cell phone.

In the most serious, urgent tone I can muster, I always answer an unknown number with "Brick Township Search and Rescue."

The most common response to that is stammering and a *click*

[wherdafux-d-cat.livejournal.com]

I may have to borrow the SAR line once in a while. Right now when I want to mess with someone, I answer '[Jones] Bakery, home of the world famous cookie throwing contest. How may I help you toss your cookies?'

Work phone dream answer: 'What did you do this time?' No hello, no greeting, just that.

[ravan.livejournal.com]

I often greet walk-ins with "Hi, what can I do to you today?" or "Greasings and lubrications!", but I'm twisted, and my users know it. The new guys always double take.

A certain user process we have, my standard instructions are "When you've hit enter, and it says 'provisioning in process', go get a cup of coffee, and then come back. It'll never tell you it's done, but that's about how long it takes."

I admit, I'm lame: I answer my phone with "Hello?"

[gilmoure.livejournal.com]

Now: "Help Desk. Gilmoure speaking."

Dream: "What? WHAT?!!! Why did you call me?!!!"

[twistedsyx.livejournal.com]

I'm personally a fan of any of the userfriendly.org (http://ars.userfriendly.org/cartoons/?id=20061128) greetings.

Something along the lines of, "Thanks for calling, my hears have been set to bleed."

[arkady.livejournal.com]

My standard greeting has always been "What can I do you for?" It goes over the heads of most people....

[hisamishness.livejournal.com]

I'll be your Evil Tech Support today.

What's fucked up this time?

[harry-whodunnit.livejournal.com]

"For fuck's sake, stop calling my personal line!"

[pleaseremove.livejournal.com]

Current favorite is: "Is there smoke?" "No" "call back when there is"

[fearrett.livejournal.com]

Hi! Thank you for calling "blank" This automated system should be able to handle most of your inquiries. Have you rebooted yet? if yes, press one, if not, please hang up. (Wait for the inevitable beep) Liar. *Click*

[torkell]

"There's smoke."

And re-Babelfished...

[guinevere33.livejournal.com]

GOOD DAY! RECEPTION To The TECH AID! It is ALWAYS a PARTY IN OUR SERVANTS!

[prozacnation.livejournal.com]

"Is this your first computer? It is?" :click:

[jon787.livejournal.com]

I had a friend who would interrupt you as you said his name with "No"

Personally I'd open with "I didn't do it!" or "You can't prove anything!"

[rorted.livejournal.com]

"Hello, Wang's Chinese restaurant, can I take your order?"

[255-255-255-0.livejournal.com]

BTW Excellent Thread

All my users are internal so for me it's:

" Hi, It's 255_255_255_0 "

To people I meet a lot it's:
"What have you done now?"

Now and again:
"I'm glad you work here, if it wasn't for you I'd be unemployed"

What I would rather say:
"Jesus! not you again!"
"How can you have possibly bust it again already"
"It's too early leave me alone"
"Fec Off"

[chixdiglinux.livejournal.com]

"Joe's Mortuary. You stab 'em, we slab 'em."

[ethereal-dusk.livejournal.com]

"Thank you for calling the help desk. Please take me off of the friggin' speaker phone before you say a word."

I get calls from some very loud industrial places, and I wear stereo headphones, and that shit hurts.

[ihateemo.livejournal.com]

"Then call the fire department. Adios!"

[trixtah.livejournal.com]

"Hi, systems support. Is that Helpdesk? Ok, do the troubleshooting first and then maybe I'll feel like talking to you. Have fun!"

[darkblade1.livejournal.com]

Ok, so what did you break this time monkey?

[captpackrat.livejournal.com]

I've actually answered the phone at work with, "Joe's Roadkill Cafe, you kill 'em, we grill 'em."

[chixdiglinux.livejournal.com]

LOL. Well, you know what they say; great minds...

[megpie71.livejournal.com]

I think my mine would be along the lines of the famous "Ghostbusters, whaddaya want?", only with [COMPANY_NAME] in the appropriate place, and an Australian accent rather than New Yawk.

[the-s-guy.livejournal.com]

"Tech support - what are we, your MOTHER?"

[kerberos.livejournal.com]

Techsupport - How may I compensate for your technological shortcomings today?

[jahbulon.livejournal.com]

A la Cleese from Fawlty Towers:

Oh what is it now, can't you leave me in peace?

[meandean.livejournal.com]

"Thank you for calling [company] tech support. My name is Inigo Montoya..."

"Dave's not here, man."

The Big Boppper's "HELLO BAAAYYY-BEEE!"

"Whussup, mah nizzle?"

"Thank you for calling [company] tech support. My name is Ayn Rand; why don't you learn to help yourself, socialist?"

[redqueenmeg.livejournal.com]

Eeegh.
Reminds me of the time I left a VM on my parents' answering machine nine years ago saying "Haven't heard from you guys in awhile, did you die or something?"

They were both in bed recovering from having been in a hundred-car pileup on a New Hampshire freeway. Whoops.

[wignersfriend.livejournal.com]

Since I'm looking for a job right now, I don't have the luxury of answering my phone in a witty way.

Though, at my previous helpdesk job, I would have really liked it if we could preface each call with "Please make sure your computer is ON before we proceed."

I used to have one of those fake-out answering machine greetings, I drew it out as long as I could, trying to turn up the volume on my phone, etc. I eventually had to change it for fear that my friends would attempt to lynch me.

[dreamofmyrage.livejournal.com]

My personal fav:

Thanks for calling Cocmast, how can you help me today?

followed closely by...... 'ummm what?'

'All righty then!'

*CLICK*

[anamacha.livejournal.com]

"they put me on hold!!!!!11!!111onezomgONE!!"

[anamacha.livejournal.com]

I refuse to talk to people on speakerphones. "Hello? Hello?" is all they get from me.

[bubosquared.livejournal.com]

"Yarrrrrrrr, matey, how may I be of assistance t'day?"

In fact, next September, I may actually try that one.

[darkrosetiger.livejournal.com]

"Thank you for calling IT Express. Before proceeding, please insert your original system restore disks, reformat your hard drive and reinstall your operating system. This will save us all a great deal of time."

[coraon.livejournal.com]

"Thank you for calling the IT service desk, read the error, follow the instructions AS THEY COME UP ON THE SCREEN, if it's frozen reboot, and check the help files I wrote personally, remember also that poor planning on my part does not consitute an emergency on my part. Now only if you have followed these actions, how can I help you?"

Also theres the classic that I've been dying to use:

"This is the emergency replacement geek, please state the nature of the techinical emergency."