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techrecoveryAs we all know, there are a large number of people on the Internet that have no business being here. Sometimes, they’re doing idiotic things like setting up cron scripts to reboot their Linux-based webserver on a daily basis or changing the hostname on their server because it doesn’t match their primary domain. Other times, they’re putting underage gay wizard porn on your computer without your consent. Some are trolls looking to kick up shit and disrupt communications on the Internet. Spammers, too, are a major annoyance. You’ve got your pedophiles, cyberterrorists, script kiddies, Halo assholes, torrent poisoners, and n00bs. Other people are just old farts that think that you “send…an internet” over “a series of tubes” that have somehow gotten themselves elected to the United States Senate. And of course, you’ve got those clueless computer users with a Dell that have allowed their computer to be turned into a botnet zombie. No matter who they are, they are people that should not be connected to the Internet, nor even own a computer.
Something must be done about the menace.
While we cannot keep a fool and his money together (doing so might be a dangerously bad idea), we can ensure that the Internet is a safe haven for those that want to exchange ideas and do business without major interruption, much like in the real world. Therefore, I propose that there be a protocol to remotely disconnect a user from the Internet.
It’s relatively simple to get a Media Access Control address and an Internet Protocol address from a computer with which you are connected. What this protocol does is sets up a daemon on an IP-based network’s routers that monitors which MAC addresses are connected, as well as the IP addresses they have been assigned and when those addresses are matched. Furthermore, this daemon monitors the open network on an unused port to collect information about stupidity complaints from a certain IP address. Once a certain score is reached from an IP address, the router will refuse any connections sent from that IP address as long as the MAC address is the same. Exemptions will be made for cybercafes, data centers, schools, libraries,, and public computer labs, where other users may be needed–though these sites will be required to keep logs of users’ computer use for disconnection purposes.
After this time, the MAC address user will be contacted by his or her ISP and administered a test on basic computer skills. If this person and all others in his or her household pass the test, they will be allowed back on the Internet with a warning. If three such events occur, efforts will be taken to determine the troublesome user and shoot that person. If the person fails, their Internet service will be canceled, their computer confiscated, their credit cards flagged against the purchase of anything more technically advanced than a wheel or box of matches, and a tattoo will be placed upon their heads in the event they try to change their credit card numbers or pay in cash.
These efforts will at least reduce the Internet’s stupid population. We’re still working on a way to choke people over standard TCP/IP.
Something must be done about the menace.
While we cannot keep a fool and his money together (doing so might be a dangerously bad idea), we can ensure that the Internet is a safe haven for those that want to exchange ideas and do business without major interruption, much like in the real world. Therefore, I propose that there be a protocol to remotely disconnect a user from the Internet.
It’s relatively simple to get a Media Access Control address and an Internet Protocol address from a computer with which you are connected. What this protocol does is sets up a daemon on an IP-based network’s routers that monitors which MAC addresses are connected, as well as the IP addresses they have been assigned and when those addresses are matched. Furthermore, this daemon monitors the open network on an unused port to collect information about stupidity complaints from a certain IP address. Once a certain score is reached from an IP address, the router will refuse any connections sent from that IP address as long as the MAC address is the same. Exemptions will be made for cybercafes, data centers, schools, libraries,, and public computer labs, where other users may be needed–though these sites will be required to keep logs of users’ computer use for disconnection purposes.
After this time, the MAC address user will be contacted by his or her ISP and administered a test on basic computer skills. If this person and all others in his or her household pass the test, they will be allowed back on the Internet with a warning. If three such events occur, efforts will be taken to determine the troublesome user and shoot that person. If the person fails, their Internet service will be canceled, their computer confiscated, their credit cards flagged against the purchase of anything more technically advanced than a wheel or box of matches, and a tattoo will be placed upon their heads in the event they try to change their credit card numbers or pay in cash.
These efforts will at least reduce the Internet’s stupid population. We’re still working on a way to choke people over standard TCP/IP.
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